We can cultivate an attitude of gratitude

There’s no limit to how much we want. We’re never permanently satiated. One delicious meal is wonderful, but of course we get hungry again. One beautiful new outfit is marvelous, but it can’t be our last! Children, teens, and adult are always looking for their next “fix” — that dopamine-inducing sense of excitement and fulfilment. No wonder we’re challenged by the concept of gratitude!

Short Shelf Life

The birthday gift, that special treat send surges of pleasure through our the brain and yes, for those few minutes, we’re truly grateful. “Are those your chocolate chip cookies I smell in the oven? Oh goody! Thanks, Mom!” The gratitude is genuine and certainly likely to last at least until the cookie melts in the youngster’s mouth.

Unfortunately, however, the momentary high quickly dissolves, leaving barely a trace of its goodness behind. You’d think that all of us would be filled with constant feelings of gratitude toward our parents. How much kindness has every one of us received from those who brought us into the world?

And yet, it’s more likely we focus our thoughts on what we didn’t receive. “Sure, my parents provided me with clothing, food, a nice home, a nice neighborhood, a great education, fancy camps, and amazing vacations, birthday celebrations, a magnificent wedding, and support for the first few years of my marriage, but this is just what parents are supposed to do. My parents are selfish. Do you know that they have plenty of money, but they don’t buy any of us kids a home?”

We Have It All

Our brains are attracted to negativity, to search for and dwell on all that is wrong, hurtful, and bad. This material is somehow compelling and addictive, far more powerful than the occasional blasts of grateful chemistry that bathe our cells and then quickly evaporate.

If only we would find the practice of appreciation as compelling as that of complaining!

The reason why gratitude has been encouraged by mental health professionals is that it has been shown (when cultivated correctly) to enhance brain function, increase long-term happiness, heal depression, reduce anxiety, reduce the toxicity generated by negative thoughts, improve resistance to stress, improve sleep, and create permanent neural transformations that improve health and wellbeing.

However, none of these benefits occur from simply feeling grateful in the specific moment that something good happens. They only accrue when we carefully cultivate our capacity for gratitude by routinely focusing on what is right in our life. Our brain hums along, searching for more that is right, finding it, and distributing the accompanying healing chemistry evenly throughout our organism.

“My in-laws show no interest in our children. They don’t offer to babysit, they never call, and they don’t even buy birthday gifts. They think that if they pay our kids’ tuitions and set aside bonds for them for when they’re older, that they’ve done everything they need to do. Of course, I’ve asked my husband to intervene, but he refuses, saying that this is just how his parents are, and that it’s nice of them to give the kids so much money. But I see what my friends’ in-laws do and I feel ripped off. I can’t make peace with this.”

Yes, it’s hard for us to not get what we want. But if we focus our attention on what we aren’t getting instead of what we are getting, we pay a heavy physical, emotional, and spiritual price.

Alternatively, we can begin a practice of directing our attention to everything beautiful, good, satisfying, pleasurable, positive, and right. We can see these sorts of things, talk about them, and even record them in a notebook. Setting a goal of noticing at least three such things a day is sufficient to change the permanent patterns of our neural pathways. Then the brain itself will do the search, and we’ll no longer have to work consciously on seeing the light — it will just be there for us.

Simultaneously, many of our problems will magically disappear, and those that don’t will become easier to address. If this all seems too good to be true, a personal experiment of a month-long commitment to the strategy, would be sufficient to see if it would work.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 743)