I don’t want her to feel like she can’t lean on me because I don’t lean on her

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My friend has a very challenging life. Of course, there’s no competition when it comes to hardships, and no one has a monopoly on suffering, but whatever nisyonos I have pale in comparison to what she endures on a regular basis. She has a family, baruch Hashem, but each pregnancy was high risk and for every child she has, there were several miscarriages.

Due to an accident, her husband suffers from physical and emotional ailments that prevent him from working. She works two jobs, takes care of her home singlehandedly, barely has time to come up for air, but doesn’t begin to make ends meet. One child struggles socially, another has a physical limitation, a third has a learning issue. The list goes on, with many issues spilling over to create new ones; she often feels like she’s playing with one of those bopping toys — push one head down, another head pops up.

Through it all, my friend tries to remain a positive, put-together, respectable, happy person — which she naturally is — and not wear her challenges on her shirtsleeve. I’m her oldest friend, and because she isn’t comfortable sharing her struggles with her neighbors, I, who lives in another state, am one of the few people who know the truth. I’ve become a sounding board to whom she can vent when things are really rough.

Lately, I see that this dynamic has become hard for her. We’ll be shmoozing, things will begin to pour out, and after a half-hour she’ll say, “See, again, I just cried to you, and I have no idea what’s going on by you. Next time we’re only talking about you!” or, “I’m always the one crying to you, why are you always just listening? Don’t you ever have a hard day? You never call me to talk about things, and I feel like such a baby, I always complain to you…”

She’s not wrong. I do find it hard to share challenges with her. I don’t discuss my children’s struggles, as I feel it’s a breach of confidence, but I don’t feel I can share other issues either. I have no idea how I can afford food for Shabbos, but how can I talk about not being able to pay my bills? We’re a two-income family and the reason I can’t pay my bills is because we’re a blessedly large family with a never-ending cycle of braces, tutoring, therapy, tutoring, camp, tutoring, Yom Tov clothes, summer clothes, white shirts and more white shirts… How can I vent about the frustrations of a teething baby awake all night when she’s been praying for just that?

It sounds like a terrible thing to say, but when things are really hard for me, whether with finances or with a struggling child, I think of this friend and feel so blessed — and then guilty for being grateful on my dear friend’s cheshbon! Yet the reality is that for me to kvetch to her is as ludicrous as someone with a broken ankle kvetching to someone with terminal cancer.

So I wrack my brain trying to find something I can vent about. If I’m upset at someone, I run to call this friend so I can ask her advice or ask her for chizuk, which in all honesty I wouldn’t do otherwise. My nature is more reserved, and I prefer to mull things over to myself rather than “talk it out” with a friend, but I find myself looking for ways to be vulnerable to her and allow her to be on the giving end.

All this can, quite frankly, be exhausting. I suppose my question boils down to this: Is there a way to keep this friendship on solid, equal footing if I choose to stop trying to think of ways to get advice and chizuk from this friend? I care about her very much, she really is a friend, and I don’t want her to feel like she can’t lean on me because I don’t lean on her. But does that mean I need to keep allowing her to be on the giving end even if it’s contrived and strained on my part?