In my years of advising couples how to effectively communicate criticism, I have developed four guidelines

IN every marriage, it occasionally becomes necessary for one spouse to voice displeasure at something the other spouse is doing. It is virtually impossible, therefore, to live with a spouse without ever having to express disapproval. And one of the keys to a successful marriage is knowing how to give that constructive criticism. Delivered incorrectly, marital mussar can have devastating consequences.

Consider the case of Dov. A soft-spoken, successful sofer, Dov approached me one day after Minchah quite a few years ago.

“Could I please talk with you for a minute… privately?” Dov meekly asked.

I stepped out into the hall with Dov to hear what he had to say.

“I know you speak publicly, at times, on shalom bayis,” Dov began. “I would like to tell you my story so that you can share it with others, without my name, of course. It is painful for me to tell you about this now. But if it will help one other couple, it will be worth my discomfort.

“For the first ten years of our marriage, my wife suffered from chronic depression. We consulted some of the best doctors and psychiatrists. No one was able to help her. As a result, she was incapable of functioning as a proper wife and mother.

“Then, after some serious soul searching on my part, I came to the realization that I was the cause of her problem. I had been short-tempered and critical of my wife, much more than I realized. It was an extremely painful revelation. But I finally understood that if I didn’t get control of myself, no one would be able to help my wife.

“It was the most difficult challenge I ever had to face in my life. But I succeeded in turning myself around with the help of a very supportive, patient, and caring mentor. And as you can probably imagine, that had a dramatic impact on my wife, who gradually recovered from her depression and finally became the wife and mother she had always been capable of being.”

In my years of advising couples how to effectively communicate criticism, I have developed four guidelines. Dov’s case offers a perfect lead-in to the first.

1. Never in Anger

When Shmuel Hanavi was instructed by Hashem to anoint the next king after Shaul, he was only told to anoint one of the sons of Yishai. Upon arriving at Yishai’s home, Shmuel was struck with the regal stature and appearance of Yishai’s oldest son, Eliav. Surely, thought Shmuel, this must be the son Hashem intended to be the next melech.

But Hashem told Shmuel, “I have rejected him” (Shmuel I 16:7).

And Rashi explains why Eliav was rejected: “Because he is an angry person.”

If Eliav had not suffered from anger management issues, he would have assumed the exalted place in Jewish history that his younger brother Dovid now holds. Royalty is not the only treasure forfeited by one with an uncontrolled temper. When criticism is conveyed to a spouse in anger, shalom bayis is another casualty, and a much more common one.

2. Praise First

In parshas Vayeitzei, we learn how Yaakov Avinu acted when he arrived in Charan (Bereishis 29:4–8). He saw a group of shepherds lollygagging around, and he criticized them for it. Instead of tarring and feathering him, they respectfully explained the reason for their inactivity.

Why, asked Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky ztz"l, did the shepherds respond so civilly to a total stranger’s criticism? He explained that Yaakov began speaking to the shepherds by addressing them as “Achai,” my brothers, which is a term of endearment. We learn from this that whenever one needs to criticize, he should be sure to preface the negative words of disapproval with some positive words of praise.

In my work with couples, I always make a point of explaining this fundamental principle of effective marital communication. Of course, complimenting before criticizing doesn’t mean that any negative feedback must be immediately preceded by a positive comment, as in, “Thank you for helping me yesterday. And, you know, I really can’t stand it when you always….”

Rather, it means that you should be banking your praise well in advance of your criticism. Just as you make sure to maintain a proper balance in your checking account, because you never know when you will need to make a withdrawal, so, too, you must be sure to make deposits of compliments in your marital “account” to cover any “debits” of criticism that you may need to make in the future.

3. Behind Closed Doors

In parshas Ki Seitzei, the Torah describes the mitzvah of the ben sorer u’moreh (Devarim 21:18). Included in that description is the condition that the son is “einenu shomeia b’kol aviv uv’kol imo” — that he doesn’t listen to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother. Why does the Torah take care to repeat the word “voice”? Why not simply state “the voices of his father and mother”?

The Gemara answers that it comes to teach that the voices of the father and mother must be equal (Sanhedrin 71a). From this Gemara, Rav Shamshon Rephael Hirsch extrapolates that the Torah is teaching us that a child is only held responsible for extreme misbehavior if his parents have been unified in their parenting. If, however, there has been any dissention between mother and father, the child cannot be held accountable for the misconduct of a ben sorer u’moreh.

Of course, parents may disagree at times, even on critical parenting issues. What Rav Hirsch is teaching, however, is that those disagreements should never be aired in the presence of their children. Whenever it may be necessary to criticize your spouse, therefore, it should only be done behind closed doors.

A rav who is heavily involved with gittin and related matters once shared with me that he met a matrimonial lawyer who was a US army veteran. The former soldier had the build of a football player and was heavily tattooed. And he confided to the rav, “While on active duty, I was shot and wounded. I saw some of my buddies die in front of me. I also needed to shoot and kill people. But in spite of all that, the most traumatic experience of my life was lying in bed at night as a child and hearing my parents yell at each other.”

Besides traumatizing your children and violating the prohibition of halbanas pnei chaveiro b’rabim, when you criticize your spouse in the presence of your children, you virtually guarantee that your spouse will dismiss, disregard, and discredit whatever you have to say. In addition, you will be giving your spouse ample ammunition to use in criticizing you.

4. Criticize without Attacking

When an insult, a negative characterization, or a disparaging comment is directed at a person, that is a verbal attack. And attacks usually provoke defensiveness and counterattacks. On the other hand, however, when one expresses how his feelings were triggered by someone else’s behavior, that is not an attack.

For example, if you say to your spouse, “You are selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic,” that is an attack that will surely fail to improve anything. If, however, you say, “It makes me feel so hurt and disregarded when you make your plans for Sunday without including me,” then there is a much greater chance you will be heard, which could lead to positive, meaningful change.

When you criticize your spouse, therefore, disparaging the whole person, painting with large brushstrokes, you decrease the chances that your words will have the desired impact of changing your spouse’s behavior. If, however, you limit your criticism to describing the feelings triggered in you by your spouse’s behavior, it stands the greatest chance of being effective.

And you may even get away with it.

Dr. Meir Wikler, a frequent contributor to this space, is an author, psychotherapist, and family counselor in full-time private practice, with offices in Brooklyn and Lakewood. He is also a public speaker whose lectures and shiurim are carried on TorahAnytime.com.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1022)