Why does someone who has a poor self-image have such a hard time making up his mind?

“I’m not calling for therapy,” Rabbi Baum began over the phone. “I just need your advice on how to handle a difficult situation at home.”

When he arrived for his appointment, Rabbi Baum, a middle-aged mesivta rebbi, got straight to the point. “My wife is terribly indecisive. And it’s beginning to drive me crazy. I always feel like shouting, ‘Just make up your mind, already,’ but I somehow manage to control myself.

“Let me give you a couple of examples. Recently, we were invited to a bar mitzvah. The invitation arrived two weeks before the simchah. For the next two weeks, I kept asking her if she would be coming with me. But she kept saying that she wasn’t sure.

“Then, the day before the bar mitzvah, she still had a difficult time deciding one way or the other. Finally, later that night, she asked me to call the baalei simchah and tell them that we would both be attending.

“One more example should suffice. This summer we wanted to rent a bungalow for the month of August. After an exhaustive search, we finally found one that was reasonably priced and suitable for our needs. We even went up to the country to check it out. When my wife couldn’t decide whether or not we should take it, the owner said he’d be willing to hold it for us for one week.

“At the end of the week, my wife had still not made up her mind and someone else took the bungalow. We then looked for another one but couldn’t find anything comparable to the first. In the end, we stayed in the city for the whole summer, and there was unanimous displeasure about that. Even my wife regretted her indecision. And she had to acknowledge that it had spoiled bein hazmanim for the entire family.

“What I would like to know is: What causes such chronic indecision? And, what can I, as her husband, do to help her overcome it?”

Like Mrs. Baum, many people suffer from similar indecision that can severely interfere with their daily functioning, as well as cause great frustration to their family members.

We can gain a valuable insight into the root cause of indecision from the words of Shmuel Hanavi. After Shaul Hamelech acted indecisively and failed to fulfill the ratzon Hashem to wipe out Amalek and all of their possessions, Shmuel rebuked Shaul saying, “If you are small in your own eyes, [you should remember that] you are the leader of [all of] the shivtei Yisrael.” (Shmuel I, 15:17)

In other words, to put it in modern parlance, indecision is rooted in low self-esteem. When people view themselves as inadequate and they lack confidence in their own judgment, they will feel challenged whenever they need to make a decision.

What is the connection between low self-esteem and indecision? Why does someone who has a poor self-image have such a hard time making up his mind?

I once heard an excellent explanation from my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin. People who suffer low self-esteem are also often very self-critical, magnifying their imperfections and faults while minimizing their positive traits and successes. And since all decisions that anyone makes always result in unanticipated consequences, both positive and negative, whenever someone with low self-esteem encounters one of those negative outcomes of a decision he made, he beats himself up.

“Why was I so stupid?” he berates himself. The only way he can spare himself from that inevitable self-flagellation is to put off making the decision in the first place. That offers him a temporary reprieve. In the long run, however, it creates considerable collateral damage, as the following case example illustrates.

Yossi* came to see me a number of years ago because he desperately wanted to get married. But in spite of his extensive efforts contacting shadchanim and dating actively, he was failing miserably.

When we reviewed his dating history, it became clear that Yossi was making a good impression on the young women he was dating. And he had already met women with whom he felt compatible. The problem was that when crunch time came and he had to make a decision about getting engaged, he was unable to pull the trigger. He would become crippled with indecision, and attempt to stall for more time. Eventually the young woman would lose patience and break it off with him.

Digging deeper, I learned that in spite of his outgoing and jovial nature, Yossi suffered from deep feelings of inadequacy. He compared himself unfavorably with others, exaggerating his flaws and minimizing his accomplishments.

For example, Yossi had created a highly successful business, with a number of employees working under his management. Nevertheless, whenever Yossi noticed a small detail that wasn’t running properly, he took it as evidence of his inadequacy. And he was unable to see the big picture, taking pride in having created this business from scratch.

Eventually, we traced his self-critical nature back to the relentless disparagement Yossi had received growing up from an overly critical father. Yossi had never received any approval from him, despite his concerted efforts to win his father’s favor.

During our work together, I had to repeatedly point out to Yossi whenever he was being unfairly critical of himself, as well as whenever he failed to give himself credit for any of his many successes or accomplishments.

Some time after Yossi ended his therapy with me, he called. I was delighted to hear the besurah tovah that he was engaged. On the envelope containing the invitation to his chasunah that he sent to me, he wrote, “Thank you for everything.”

Returning to Rabbi Baum, I recommended that the most effective thing he could do to help his wife overcome her indecision would be to take advantage of every opportunity to praise her. Of course, all wives and husbands need and deserve to hear compliments from their spouses. Someone who is constantly indecisive, however, needs an extra dose of that powerful elixir called praise.

It may take time, as it did for Yossi. Eventually, however, if one is consistent and patient, b’ezras Hashem, he can succeed in helping a loved one overcome chronic indecision.

Dr. Meir Wikler, a frequent contributor to this space, is an author, psychotherapist, and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, NY, and Lakewood, NJ. He is also a public speaker who gives lectures and shiurim.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1084)