My friend is needy and negative. I don’t want to get sucked in

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I’ve been blessed with a large family, b”H. The COVID-19 outbreak has meant all ages and stages are suddenly home together. This translates into varying emotional and physical needs to be met all day, every day. It’s exhausting, and if I don’t stay one step ahead, it can spell disaster for everyone.

For every person “staying one step ahead” will mean something else; for me, it’s focusing on my family (easier said than done — it’s a full-time job), my simchas hachaim (also easier said than done, and also a full-time job), working to keep my house in order (let’s not even go there!), and trying to ensure there’s normalcy and security inside my home.

Truthfully, nurturing friendships and connecting with friends hasn’t been on my radar for the past three months. I’m not a martyr; it’s simply not a need I have. If I do want to connect for a few minutes, I find myself gravitating toward the friend or two whose approaches are similar to mine and who understand my particular situation. A funny text, a quick phone call with my coffee, an upbeat checking-in to see how the other is doing. Key word: Upbeat.

There’s a particular friend who I struggle interacting with these days. In the best of times she’s more emotionally needy; she has a number of challenges,, and her way of coping is deep relationships with others. In “normal times,” this is manageable (albeit occasionally difficult) for me, but now her struggles are exacerbated, as is the intensity of her personality.

The COVID-19 outbreak has her checking the news all day and stressing about the terrible things going on — and feeling the need to share it all (George Floyd and protests have now taken over…).

I’d be able to tune this out, but the real challenge is the constant venting and complaining about how hard it is to be home with her kids day after day, how their issues are not manageable, her house is not manageable, she has no help, no break... on and on and on. She’s not looking for solutions; she’s looking for validation, sympathy, and agreement.

This is really hard for me. Too many of my nearest and dearest have suffered personal tragedies — I don’t need the statistics and numbers she reports to me from the news. Secondly, I can’t be focused on doom and gloom all day! I need to focus on keeping upbeat, positive, and sane. My time for “reality” is at night when I say Tehillim; the adrenaline is gone and I can let go. I’m not concerned about my children seeing me cry when I daven — that’s not traumatic or negative. What is traumatic is a mother who is stressed, tense, and feeling sorry for herself for three months straight.