"Parents who hope to positively impact their children’s chinuch must build a strong foundation and collaborative relationship with the mechanchim"

The Question

My son is in therapy for anxiety, but his rebbi and menahel, who are very skilled mechanchim, are a bit old-school. I worry they don’t have the trust in professionals or the patience for the lengthy therapy process. How can I, as a parent, best advocate for my son so that his school experiences help his progress, not hinder it?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

With respect and trust, a partnership can be forged that becomes a bridge through which concerns are shared, ideas are exchanged, and solutions can be developed — together

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arents who hope to positively impact their children’s chinuch must build a strong foundation and collaborative relationship with the mechanchim. There is no alternative way. Period.

Just as effective parenting begins with the firm belief that a child wants to succeed and is doing his best, so too, effective collaboration with educators begins with the belief that they genuinely want to help your child thrive. Mechanchim are deeply committed and hardworking, and care immensely about their talmidim. When a parent approaches with respect and trust, it opens the door for a true partnership. This relationship becomes the bridge through which concerns can be shared, ideas exchanged, and solutions developed together.

This relationship can be most strained when the parents’ understanding of what their child needs doesn’t fully align with the approach of the mechanech or menahel, but it is then that it is most critical to maintain a posture of mutual respect. That doesn’t mean avoiding important conversations — it means having them in a constructive tone.

In a situation like this one, it may be most productive to focus on specific behaviors and classroom strategies rather than on clinical terms. Words like “diagnosis,” “anxiety,” or “therapist” can sometimes trigger resistance. Instead, try discussing practical supports: “what helps her stay focused,” or “what tends to calm him when he’s overwhelmed.”

Equally important is to ask the rebbi and menahel for their ideas. What’s worked for them in the past? What do they observe that you might not see? A truly collaborative conversation draws on everyone’s strengths: the parent’s insight, the therapist’s tools, and the mechanech’s experience and intuition.

Very often, when a suggestion sounds practical and supportive, a thoughtful rebbi will be eager to try it. And if he resists, there’s usually a reason — whether logistical, philosophical, or experiential. Rather than respond with frustration, it’s worth digging deeper. Understanding those reasons can open the door to finding a shared approach.

Finally, there are times when a parent must return to the therapist and say honestly, “That strategy might work in a quiet office, but not in a noisy classroom.” It takes creativity, flexibility, and persistence to build a plan that works in real life — for this child, with this teacher, in this environment. But when everyone sees themselves on the same team, the results can be transformative.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

If you are faced with a teacher or administrator that lacks appreciation or understanding of your child’s needs, it is important that you do everything in your power to advocate for your son

Before attempting to address the question, I want to make clear that from my experience in all the schools I have worked in, and in speaking with many of my fellow menahelim over the years, the scenario being described in the question is much more the exception than the rule.

The frum community has made tremendous strides in understanding mental health challenges. Almost every mainstream elementary school yeshivah has either a school psychologist or a social worker on staff. Many middle schools have mashgichim who are trained to understand and help the struggling child. So I would hope that this type of disconnect is a rare occurrence. Even in some of the very best mesivtas, there has been a seismic shift in awareness and readiness to understand the different challenges that talmidim face from clinical perspectives.

That being said, there will inevitably be situations where you are faced with a rebbi, a morah, or an administrator who lacks appreciation for or understanding of your child’s needs. If it is not something that really affects the day-to-day schooling of your son, it may not be worth your while to go head-to-head with the school.

However — and I am trying not to be dramatic — if you feel that in your entire school, there is not a single person you can rely on to be there for your son in his current environment, then you’re in the wrong place.

Imagine your son had a diagnosed reading disability, and instead of allowing him to get the help he needs, his teacher and principal blamed his laziness and lack of motivation. You would do everything in your power to advocate for him and get them to understand his struggle. But you would also start to doubt whether you have the right partners in the chinuch of your son.

Anxiety and other mental health struggles are just as real and potentially disabling as reading disabilities if they are not handled with care and understanding. It is confusing and sometimes overwhelming for a kid who has anxiety and panic attacks. He can feel shame and a lack of self-worth, and he needs a team of adults on his side.

Sit down with his principal. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Maybe even be emotional. Supply the administration with phone numbers of people you think they trust and maybe will listen to. But demand that your son be understood and treated with the care, sensitivity, and dignity he deserves. If not in this yeshivah, maybe in another.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

 (Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1061)