Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Hard Truths

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

“Danny is everything I’m looking for,” Meira told me. “Smart and hardworking — he already has semichah, and now he’s in law school. He’s fun and funny but also has a serious, thoughtful side. And he’s good-looking, too.”

I said nothing, waiting for the “but.”

Sure enough, she got very quiet, then said in a small voice, “But I’m worried about some of his habits.

“He vapes, which I really don’t like. He told me it was once in a while, but as he’s gotten more comfortable with me, he’s started lighting up on dates. I could probably live with just that, but he also uses weed….”

“How often are we talking about?” I asked gently.

“That’s just the thing! I’m really not sure. Danny made it sound like it was infrequent, but every time we speak in the evening — and that’s a few times a week — he sounds strung out. When I ask what he’s doing, he’ll say he’s ‘having a little smoke.’

“When I called him on it, he told me to stop making mountains out of molehills, that his life is stressful and there’s nothing wrong with chilling. He also said”— she gave a strangled laugh— “that it sounds like I could use a joint myself. How do I know how deeply he’s addicted? And how this might impact my life?”

I’ve been hearing variations of this challenge more and more often. The guy smokes a little, enjoys a joint occasionally, or drinks at weddings. And at kiddushim. And sometimes, just to chill.

For some girls, this is a red line. But others are willing to turn a blind eye to occasional usage, yet agonize over when something crosses from the realm of casual use into the territory of addiction.

I’ve discussed this topic at length with a therapist who specializes in addiction. He explained that two signs of addiction are frequency and withdrawal — how often someone uses, and how they respond when they can’t.

I shared those guidelines with Meira. She told me Danny’s usage was almost daily, so I encouraged her to have a difficult conversation with him.

She confronted him, and he told her that if it really bothered her he’d stop when they got married. Meira was ready for that and asked him to try a two-week period with no weed.

Danny agreed, but three days in, she could already see the change. He complained he was having a hard time getting his coursework done, and he was anxious and agitated, snapping at her with alarming frequency. When she pointed it out, he became enraged, accusing her of trying to control him.

At this point it was clear: Danny was substance dependent. Compounding the problem was the fact that, like most addicts, he was in denial.

There’s an interesting paradox I’ve noticed. Men who are open about their battle with addiction — who are actively getting help or in 12-step programs — are rejected more frequently than the ones in the throes of addiction but who insist nothing is wrong.

Of course, someone who’s aware of his problem and working on it is a far better bet than the one burying his head in the sand. But it’s uncomfortable to face the bald truth.

After several agonizing weeks and many tears, Meira gave Danny an ultimatum: Either he gets help or she’d have to end the relationship. She was willing to support him through the journey to sobriety — but only if he was willing to take that journey.

Danny wasn’t ready to let go of the substances he’d come to rely on. With a heavy heart but a clear mind, Meira told him their relationship was over.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date.

Am I Addicted?

Shoshana Schwartz

H

ave you ever asked yourself: Am I addicted?

Here’s a small experiment that might surprise you.

Try going a week or two without the behavior, substance, or person you’ve been wondering about.

Not to prove you can, but to notice what surfaces. How much do you miss it? Does your mood shift? Does your sleep get thrown off? Do you find yourself reaching for something else instead?

Was the first week easy, and the second more of a challenge?

Missing something doesn’t mean you’re addicted. And managing without it doesn’t mean you’re not. But your reaction can give you valuable information about how much you’ve come to rely on certain people, places, or things to regulate your inner world.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She’s the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Right, Not Easy

Sara Eisemann

“It’s okay to be sad after making the right decision” (as heard on Meaningful Minute).

Everyone loves a good happily-ever-after. Something about a neat ending, wrapped in a bow, brings peace to our soul. We love when the good guy wins, and we are gratified when the protagonist perseveres, succeeds, and finds endless joy.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always pan out that way. We sometimes make wrenching decisions that include leaving relationships, jobs, and homes that are not good for us. And it confuses us when something that is so right feels so hard. It’s important to realize it’s okay to feel a sense of loss even though we’ve chosen well. Just because it’s right doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 955)