Kayla and Eli Greenberg* were distraught over their son’s aggressive behavior. Every day, there was another incident that ended with ten-year-old Shaya’s siblings in tears. The Greenbergs had taken parenting courses, read parenting books — but nothing seemed to help. That’s when they heard about Judy Kanner, a psychotherapist who specialized in dealing with children with behavioral issues. With cautious optimism, the Greenbergs scheduled an appointment.

Judy seemed pleasant and intelligent, and she asked the Greenbergs targeted questions about Shaya to get a picture of what they were dealing with. Kayla and Eli asked Judy a few questions of their own, trying to gauge if she’d be the right “shidduch” for helping them and their son.

“By the way, how many kids do you have?” Kayla asked curiously.

She couldn’t have been more surprised — and dismayed — when Judy gave a small smile and replied, “None of my own.”

Kayla and Eli looked at each other. No words were necessary to interpret what the look meant: If she hasn’t dealt with children of her own, how in the world will she know how to help us with our child?!

This type of scenario can evoke many uncomfortable feelings on both sides of the therapy couch. At the root of the discomfort is a larger question: Does a therapist need to experience personal success in the areas in which she is counseling clients? Can a divorced therapist, for instance, be a successful marriage counselor? Can an overweight therapist coach clients struggling with weight loss? Can someone with a temper effectively teach clients to manage their anger?

To broaden the question: Do mental health professionals need to wear a mask of “perfectly managing” in order to earn their clients’ trust and confidence?

Getting Personal

In other fields, like law or medicine, professionals rarely come under this type of scrutiny. We would never size up a divorce lawyer by checking into his marital status. We choose surgeons and cardiologists based on reputation, not character. But when hiring a therapist, suddenly personality does matter, and details about their personal life might very well impact the hiring decision.

Perhaps this is because, unlike in other fields, a foundational part of the healing process is the relationship between the therapist and the client — and trust and comfortableness are essential ingredients in building that connection. How well a therapist communicates, and how open a client feels, can dramatically impact how much healing can occur. And whereas you might forgive a surgeon for being in a bad mood, a therapist’s emotional health and her ability to manage her own emotions is not just a “bonus,” but a critical component of successful therapy.

All of this creates a very high bar for therapists to live up to. As Jeffrey A. Kottler writes in his book, On Being a Therapist, “The client comes prepared with his own expectations for a mentor, a guru, a doctor, a friend, or a wizard.” Those are big shoes for any therapist to fill.