The rabbi shook his head. “Ilana, it’s not the horse that wants to be on the side, it’s you"

I f felt like something out of the prairie. There we were in a long line of horses. Rabbi Eckstein in a cowboy hat and vest was in the lead. David rode somewhere in the middle bright red first-aid bag strapped to his back and Yoram brought up the rear. I was number four in the line; Ilana rode in front of me. Dahlia and the others brought our total to ten.

Our instructions were fairly simple: Stay in line. We talked some among ourselves but mostly we just took in the refreshing air the peacefulness of the countryside and the thrill of being propelled forward by the powerful beasts beneath us.

When you’re out on a trail ride horses pretty much play follow the leader; whatever the horse in front of you does your horse does. Sometimes they defend their personal space with a threat sometimes they squabble but mostly they’re complacent and plod along willingly. Staying in line then was not an overly complicated instruction even on the somewhat narrow trail we traveled.

Ilana though seemed to be having trouble. Her horse Topaz kept stepping out of line and moving toward the front. Ilana tugged the reins to the left but her efforts met with only partial success.

“Get back in line please ” Rabbi Eckstein said.

Ilana tugged harder and Topaz went back into the line.

A few minutes later Ilana and Topaz were once again off to the right.

“Ilana ” the rabbi said “you need to stay in line. Just pull the reins to the side.”

“I am pulling the reins ” Ilana said. “See?” She demonstrated pulling them hard to the left and Topaz got back in line. “Well I did that a minute ago and she just didn’t listen.”

Rabbi Eckstein nodded.

We hadn’t gone 50 feet when Ilana was off to the right yet again approaching the front at a fast pace.

Rabbi Eckstein looked at her. “You need to stay in line. This path is not wide enough here for the horses to walk side by side.”

Ilana flapped her hand at the horse. “I’m trying to stay in line. This horse wants to be on the side not in line!”

The rabbi shook his head. “Ilana it’s not the horse that wants to be on the side it’s you.”

“It’s not me ” Ilana shot back immediately. “You see I’m trying. It’s this stupid horse!”

As she said that Topaz calmly reentered the line this time in the number two slot directly behind the rabbi.

I thought Ilana had the horse under control until yet again Topaz pulled off to the side and tried to overtake the lead horse.

The rabbi motioned her back.

“I don’t know what’s with this horse!” Ilana said. “She just doesn’t listen. For some reason she wants to be up front.”

Rabbi Eckstein turned around and smiled at her. “And I’m telling you it’s not the horse it’s you.”

“It’s not me!” Ilana said exasperated. “I’m telling you it’s the horse! She has a mind of her own and she’s just not listening to me!”

He pulled his horse to a stop; all the other horses followed suit.

“The horse is doing what you tell it to do. You’re the one who wants to go the side not the horse. Would you like me to show it to you?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Show me. Prove it to me. I’m positive about this.”

“Okay. Dahlia, would you mind switching horses with Ilana?”

“Sure,” Dahlia agreed.

With Yoram’s help, Dahlia and Ilana both dismounted. Ilana mounted Petra and slipped back into her place in front of me while Dahlia, now riding Topaz, moved back to where she’d been.

I paid close attention as the line began to move. We passed a row of prickly sabras on the left, and then the trail widened, emptying into a broad, bare rectangle. Petra was a perfect gentleman, not veering to the side despite the ample opportunity now that we’d left the narrow trail. I looked back at Dahlia. Topaz, too, was behaving nicely, staying in line with the other horses.

We turned left, passed a trail marker, and that’s when Petra stepped out of line. I watched as Ilana pulled the reins to the side. Petra took one step back into line, then stayed where he was off to the right.

Rabbi Eckstein looked over his shoulder at Ilana but said nothing. After a few minutes, we came to an olive grove. He told us to dismount and tie our horses to the trees.

Sitting in a circle, we said the Serenity Prayer and looked expectantly at the rabbi.

The rabbi looked directly at Ilana. “Will you share with us what you just experienced?”

“I don’t know how to explain it,” Ilana said, looking down at the ground. “I really wanted my horse to stay in line. I pulled the reins, but she did what she wanted. I was so, so sure it was the horse.”

She looked up at Rabbi Eckstein. “When you told me and Dahlia to switch horses, I was positive it would prove me right! But then Dahlia’s horse stayed in line, and mine went out! I was on a different horse, how can that be?”

Rabbi Eckstein said, “A horse doesn’t have his own feelings, but he feels you. He senses what you want. You wanted to go out of the line, and your horse obeyed.”

Ilana shook her head. “But that’s not true. I wanted to stay in line.”

“You thought that’s what you wanted. But a part of you didn’t want that. Perhaps a part of you that likes to be different. Or to be in the lead. Or to be noticed.”

She seemed frozen in place.

“I don’t know you very well,” he said, “I don’t know who you are in life, what you do, what kind of relationships you have. But your horse is revealing something. It’s showing you that you don’t always want to be in the line.”

Ilana nodded slowly.

“It’s also telling you that you’re not always aware of the different parts of you, that there are more sides to you than you realize.”

Her head kept nodding, a rhythmic motion that seemed almost trancelike.

I looked around at the others. What had their horses told them today about themselves?

“What’s more,” Rabbi Eckstein added, “we create situations based on these unidentified needs of ours, deny we’re the driving forces behind them, and then unconsciously shift the blame to others for creating those very situations.”

It was clear that he wasn’t speaking only to Ilana, and I felt a sudden need to defend myself. But I had no clue against what.

I looked over at my horse. What had my horse told me today?

And what had I told him?

More importantly, what hadn’t I told myself?

to be continued...

(Originally featured in Family First Issue 546)