Do you have a predominant zone? Which is it? What contributes to that? Is it working for you?

Four Zones: Part II

Sara Eisemann

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a previous column, we introduced the concept of the four zones — comfort, stretch, stress, and overwhelm — as a tool for measuring what plane we’re functioning in, and noted that we can use that information to become more intentional about creating a life that supports our goals.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you garner and channel this information:

Think about each of the four zones and identify which area of your life is lived in this zone. For example, parenting your toddlers might find you constantly overwhelmed, whereas your understimulating job of the last eight years might find you in the comfort zone. What do you need when you are in each of these zones to live your most optimal life?

Do you have a predominant zone? Which is it? What contributes to that? Is it working for you?

What would need to change for you to shift from one zone to another? What is one small change you can make to help push that forward?

As we identify our patterns and dispositions, we’re armed with useful information that can help us become more intentional.

If you notice that most of your life is spent in “stress bordering on overwhelm,” you can ask yourself whether that aligns with your personal goal of living a life of menuchas hanefesh.

Alternatively, if honest reflection leads you to recognize that most of your life is spent somewhat complacently, you can ask whether that is bringing you closer to the life of growth you imagined for yourself.

Hopefully, you’ll find that your life is a healthy mix and that you drift in and out of the four zones in a balanced way. You might also conclude that if one area of your life is in “overwhelm,” it might be useful to scale back other areas so that you can maintain equilibrium.

Whatever conclusions you come to, hopefully you’ll find this tool useful in identifying where you’re at and where you want to go.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Telling Kids About a Tragedy

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

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any of us are torn when it comes to sharing news of a public tragedy with our children: Do we share or do we try to shield them?

Today, news is a fast-paced machine and between relatives calling, WhatsApp messages, and news sites… we know. And honestly, so do our children.

For years, because I knew of too much bad news, I was very selective in what I shared with my children. I was well intentioned, but wrong. Our children deserve to have a safe adult sharing bad news as opposed to hearing versions from their little buddies.

Obviously, we can still decide how much and what to share. Don’t share more than you’re comfortable with, but share it well.

Here are some ways to start:

“I’m not sure you heard, but there was a sad event today….” At that point they may fill you in and you can take it from there.

“I hate sharing this sort of news, but I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.” By modeling this, we’re preventing one of the biggest reasons many of us hold back: We don’t want to be voyeuristic or “excited” to share bad news. That’s a middah that would be awful for our children to take out of our sharing.

It’s okay for your kids to see you’re uncomfortable. Share factually, without drama or assumptions. Don’t buy into swirling rumors. And don’t make false promises that this will never happen to them or to someone they know, or reassure them of anything else that is beyond your control.

Tell them it’s important to you that they hear it from you and that you know other kids will discuss it. Show them that it’s okay to say to their friends, “I don’t know if we should be talking about someone else.” Of course they can and should bring up any questions they have with you and know that you’ll give them as many answers as you can.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

First, Face the Fear

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

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ecently, I worked with a girl who was very excited to date a particular boy, but on their dates, she realized she wasn’t being herself. Some of it stemmed from her excitement, which led to nervousness; she didn’t want to blow this!

But there was more.

I suggested she step back and try to see if there was fear lurking inside. And when she looked, she found several sources of anxiety.

If there’s something you really want — but you’re also afraid of that same situation — work through your fears before you go out. Otherwise, you’ll be stepping on the gas and the brakes at the same time, and that leads to nowhere fast.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 972)