In rare moments of silence I would ask myself: Where is the simchah in all of this?

Many years ago before I grew too old for costumes and candies Purim was a deliriously happy day.

But one day I suddenly found myself all grown-up. The excited little girl in her kallah gown became a mature newlywed skillfully constructing mishloach manos setting a beautiful table for the seudah keeping the house presentable for the devoted visiting students … and in rare moments of silence I would ask myself: Where is the simchah in all of this?

The passing years brought small children and adorable costumes into my home. I wake up early on Purim morning long before the queen the clown the candy man and the Hatzolah medic to cram in an early morning Shacharis. But my heart is still searching for simchah. The question resonates deep within me: Why is this day different from all the other holidays Hashem gave us? And how do I truly rejoice?

“Purim gives us a taste of the World to Come and techiyas hameisim. The purpose of the day is to enjoy everything we have accomplished. Throughout the year an oved Hashem urges himself to work on his many shortcomings and achieves simchah by overcoming his material desires. This is the ‘Yom Kippur’ aspect of simchah. Conversely on Purim an oved Hashem celebrates his spiritual successes rejoicing in those areas in which he grew and developed. Purim is a day to contemplate our current situation as compared to the previous year. Over the year we were zocheh to learn more deepen our understanding and develop healthier hashkafos … and although we still have many unachieved goals dwelling on them is for other days of the year — not Purim. On Purim the thrust of our avodah should be: ‘Who is rich? He who is happy with his lot.’ Some mefarshim interpret ‘his lot’ in a spiritual sense.” (Ma’archei Lev Rav Moshe Schwab) 

All year I strive to notice what I’m lacking and where I should be headed. Every night I tell myself — in my most encouraging voice — Tomorrow! Tomorrow I’ll be calmer more in control more diligent.

But Purim hands me a different set of binoculars. Instead of seeing tomorrow and next week I see yesterday and the last week and last year. Look says Purim with admiration in its voice. Look how far you’ve come. Look at these children! Who comforted them when they were sick or miserable? Who taught them to wash negel vasser in the morning and say Kriyas Shema at bedtime? Who helped them believe in themselves and become successful confident human beings?

And while you’re at it take a good look at yourself. That woman who used to lose her patience when she found bath towels forgotten on the backs of chairs who didn’t know how to separate work and home priorities — she’s in a different place today. She’s kinder more mature more understanding. Look how many kapitlach of Tehillim you said how many tefillos you davened how many minutes you devote to Shabbos preparations. An entire year of mitzvos trails behind you.

“If a person realized the value of elevating himself by just one madreigah he would surely be filled with simchah. ‘One who saves a soul of a Jew is considered as if he saved the entire world’ because that person who was saved may keep one Shabbos or even fulfill a single mitzvah. This teaches us that the value of a mitzvah is comparable to an entire universe.

If we take a careful look each of us has the power to discover not only one but several ‘entire worlds’ he has built throughout the year — by overcoming desire by conquering pride and ego or by avoiding lashon hara. The joy of these achievements justifies a Yom Tov.” (ibid.)

I cast off remnants of everyday cynicism fold up my racing gear and step out of the fast lane. Purim is the time for a different type of avodas Hashem. No personal demands no self accusation — only sincere inner rejoicing. Look how much I’ve achieved! Look how many mitzvos I’ve done! Look how close I am to Hashem!

I’m happy. Satisfaction and contentment fill my heart and for once the inner voice doesn’t goad but praises.

And this is my simchas Purim.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 330)