Stalled at the Beginning

In the communication cycle described above, the negotiation starts and ends at Step One. Since the couple never arrives at Step Four, the fight remains unfinished, remaining like an open file in the couple’s emotional “filing cabinet.” It will stay that way until Step Four is reached — which might be never.

What stopped this issue from progressing through Steps Two, Three, and Four? Both husband and wife put up barriers to progression. Keep in mind that one partner always has the option to take down a barrier that’s erected by another, but this particular couple doesn’t take advantage of that prerogative.

Let’s see what went wrong:

When A raises an issue, they need to do so in such a way that B will allow for a smooth progression to Step Two. By raising an issue in the wrong way, A can create an immediate barrier to the Four-Step process.

In our example, the husband began the negotiation (Step One: asking for something) the wrong way. He didn’t ask at all; rather he did what many other people do — he complained. “The mess really bothers me,” isn’t a request; it’s a complaint. Complaints upset their recipients. These emotions then act as a barrier to progressing through the Four Steps.

Indeed, we see that this man’s wife responded to the complaint with deep hurt, anger, and grief. Although complaining doesn’t always trigger such strong negative emotions in people, this husband knows that his wife is very sensitive to criticism. He definitely needs to find another way to raise issues!

But what caused the wife to have such an intensely negative emotional response to her husband’s relatively minor issue? The depth of her negative feelings is likely due to her life experience with complaints, rejection, and lack of recognition — all of which either started in childhood or at least early in the marriage itself. It’s also possible that her own inborn insecurity has fed into the problem and exacerbated it.

For one or more of these reasons, the wife gets stuck when she feels criticized. She can’t pursue Step Two, which involves finding out more about her husband’s issue. Instead of moving forward, she attempts to manage her intense negative feelings with a series of counterattacks designed to halt the conversation in its tracks. She has successfully diverted the threat when her husband stops talking about the mess in the hallway (his original issue).

The wife’s behavior is not a conscious, manipulative plot. Rather, it’s a subconscious defense she likely developed in childhood to ward off her parents’ complaints. We suspect it started that long ago, because it involves a complete disintegration of her adult composure. When grownups cry because someone complains to them, it’s their inner child who’s responding, not their adult self. Children fall apart and cry; adults cope and speak. Recognizing that our strong emotions are signaling unfinished business from the past can help us take the right steps for healing, such as psychotherapy. Addressing our vulnerability will then allow us be able to have more adult conversations and negotiations.

Even if the upset, hurt, and deep frustration only began in marriage, a person who becomes completely dysregulated in the face of provocation is still dealing with their child ego state. As long as we blow up or melt down (like a young child) during negotiations, our negotiations will never make it to Step Four.

Many people will be able to move through the four steps without needing to access personal or marital therapy. A little bit of psychoeducation may be all they need in order to progress.

Returning to our couple, and assuming the wife has baggage that’s causing her deeply emotional response, could the husband have avoided triggering a full-blown regression on his wife’s part? We can’t know for sure, but had he phrased his request properly, there’s a chance things would have gone much better.

It’s possible, for example, that had he waited until an appropriate calm moment (not in his moment of exasperation upon seeing the mess) and said something like, “I was wondering whether it would be possible to clear up the front hall a little just before I get home every night?” his wife would not have become so emotionally dysregulated. Although this offers no guarantee of a smooth transition to Step Two, it at least doesn’t present a barrier.

Getting to Step Two

Although the husband had created a barrier at Step One, all was not lost at that point. The wife could have removed it. Even if she was triggered, she could use new communication skills to properly address his concern. Slowing things down by repeating his request would help both of them. And from there, she could’ve moved the conversation to Step Two by asking him to explain what he had in mind.

Step Two is for flushing out the issue, exploring what the real problem is, and discovering what the person is actually asking for. It gives the person who raised the issue the green light to talk about his or her concern in more depth. In this case, an invitation to commence Step Two might sound like, “What exactly is bothering you in the front hall?”

Getting to Step Three

Let’s suppose that the husband learns how to raise an issue in a manner that’s more inviting, and that his wife becomes self-supporting enough to be willing to explore his request. In Step Two, he explains that he feels stressed after a long day and that visual orderliness is a balm for his tired nerves. He says it would mean so much to him if she would keep this in mind and attend to the front hallway in the early evenings before he gets home.

He acknowledges how busy her day is and how hard she works and that this request requires extra thought, effort, and work on her behalf. He lets her know that he would feel very nurtured and loved if she were able to apply herself to this project.

Step Three involves working out solutions through creative problem-solving, negotiating and compromising. Just because a spouse has asked for something, doesn’t mean that they will get exactly that. Another person, with another set of needs is involved. Step Three is necessary in order to explore solutions that will work for both parties. Both must be willing to be flexible. When one spouse isn’t flexible — or worse, when both aren’t — the negotiation fails to reach Step Four, which means that the fight will go on forever.

If B has no objections to the request made by A, then Step Three can be skipped and the couple moves directly to Step Four. Step Three is always initiated by the “requestee” rather than the “requestor.” In our example, the wife would need to open Step Three.

She can do this by recapping what her husband has asked for and what her modified solution might be. “I understand you’d really appreciate it if I could make sure the entrance way was cleared before you come home. Because the kids are still coming and going and playing in that area, I can’t promise to have it completely cleared. However, I can clean it up before I start to work on dinner, and then, whatever mess the kids make will be minimal after that point.

“I will try to give it another quick sweep just before six p.m., but because things are chaotic around that time, I can’t promise to always do that. There might still be a few things lying around there.”

With her suggestion on the table, the husband is free to make some counter-suggestions and the two of them would hammer out details until they are both satisfied that they have a practical solution.

Getting to Step Four

Interestingly, many couples actually successfully negotiate Steps One to Three, and then manage to fail at Four. This failure — despite the partial success they attain — means that there will be constant wounding, a deep lack of trust, and repetitive arguments throughout the marriage. Step Four involves not only “shaking” on the agreement, but also ensuring that the agreed upon solution is permanently carried out.

Imagine that a four-year-old child has a neglectful parent. The child is undernourished and constantly hungry. He begs his mother for regular, healthy meals, and she agrees to provide them. She provides them for two weeks, but then starts to forget them occasionally, then more often, until she is completely back to her old ways. Now he is undernourished again, but also, more hurt, neglected, and betrayed than before. He knows that she knows what he needs and see she’s choosing to neglect him anyways — and this betrayal devastates him.

Similarly, when a couple has gone through Steps One to Three — raising an issue, exploring it, discussing options and agreeing to a plan — and then all that effort is for naught, a spouse feels deep abandonment, hurt, and mistrust.

Step Four can be initiated by either spouse. It involves two processes: 1) making a formal agreement explicitly stated out loud (or in writing for some issues), and 2) arranging a schedule for follow-up.

The first process is fairly easy once Step Three has been completed: simply repeat the agreement you’ve come to. The second process can be a bit trickier. Different kinds of solutions require different kinds of follow-up. The crucial factor is that there is follow-up with particular times/dates and criteria involved.

Here are some different types of follow-up appropriate for different types of issues and their solutions:

•  “Let’s do it for a week and see how it goes. Can we set aside a few minutes on Sunday night to review our progress? What time would work for you?”
•  “Let’s follow up in two weeks to work out the glitches. How is Monday, Jan 12, at nine p.m. for that meeting?”
•  “Let’s follow up the first of every month for the next three months to see how the arrangement is working. Would nine p.m. in the evening work for you?”
•  “Let’s make sure to re-evaluate quarterly from now on. Do you have your calendar handy? We can put in the dates right now.”

A common error that spouses make is to simply “hope” that the spouse will carry through with the “commitment.” When there’s a tiny slip up, the spouse overlooks it. Then when there is another and another, the spouse starts to feel uneasy or resentful but again, doesn’t confront it. Eventually the couple is back to square one and the spouse is now massively resentful, hurt, and withdrawn. It takes two people to create such a scenario — both husband and wife. One isn’t the victim of the other.

It’s exactly the same when a parent tells a child “no” to having a cookie and then doesn’t confront the child when he reaches into the cookie jar. The parent shouldn’t be surprised when the child continues to ignore directives in the future. Not carrying through with the confrontation communicates that you are complicit with breaking the agreement (“Well, she saw that I didn’t show up for date night and she didn’t say anything about it, so I assumed she didn’t care that much about it…”). The refusal to confront the breech is equal to participating in the breech.

Why do some spouses fail to “close the deal” with proper follow up and necessary confrontations? Sometimes a person just feels hopeless. Having the experience of numerous failed agreements has given them the impression that success is unattainable. The cure for this is to complete Step Four!

Another reason is that the partner has used some form of intimidation in the past. “If I confront him, he starts attacking me,” or “If I confront her, she has a million excuses that I can’t stand listening to,” or “If I confront him, he apologizes profusely, and then just continues to break the agreement, so what’s the point?”

Just as parents have to be prepared for the manipulations of their kids (i.e. a child tries to wear a parent down to get the parent to change her mind, but no matter what, the parent does not change her mind), spouses need to anticipate and be prepared for the manipulations of their partners. Spouses may try to wiggle out of the confrontation using many different strategies, but you need to hold steady with your focus. You must bring them back again and again to the commitment, otherwise you will bring yourself back again and again to the same old battles.

Break the Endless Cycle

In order to apply the Four Steps in your own marriage, take a few moments to review your common conflict themes. Is it always about the kids? Does it tend to be about hurtful communication? Is it usually about money? Each couple normally has a few hot button issues that trigger the repetitive fights.

Suppose one of your own hot buttons is the discipline of your children. Your husband always lets the kids off the hook for their transgressions, whereas you believe in the importance of discipline. Review a typical conversation in your own mind. See which of the four steps is problematic for you.

For instance, if you raise the issue to your husband: “Yaakov has stolen money from my purse again, and I feel that we need to give him a severe consequence for this behavior from now on. I’d like us to be on the same page as to what should happen. Can we discuss it?”

Your husband blocks you with his standard response: “He’ll grow out of it. We just need to show him love. Maybe he’s having problems with his friends. I think punishment will only discourage him more and he’ll develop more behavioral problems.” In other words, “I’m not willing to discuss it with you.”

If the conversation normally ends right there, then you never progress past Step One. You’ll need to correct that by refusing to end the conversation at that point.

Suppose, however, that you normally invite him to get to Step Two by asking him to explain his concerns in more detail. Your husband then goes into depth about his philosophy of education. You acknowledge what you hear, understanding that your husband’s own experience in life was that punishment invariably created more anger in himself and his siblings. You express your own fears that your child will become deviant and explain your thinking well enough that your husband can hear and acknowledge your anxiety.

You move into Step Three by asking him to compromise with you to find a solution that makes you both feel comfortable. You’ve been making it to Step Three with no problem and once there, you brainstorm solutions until the two of you come up with a basic plan for what to do when this child helps himself to the contents of your purse.

Now you realize with greater clarity that you’ve been failing at Step Four. You become aware that previous agreements and commitments have all fallen by the wayside, as your husband finds reasons to make an exception for every occasion. He cannot bring himself to carry out the previously agreed-upon plan. You can identify that your frustration, helplessness, and utter exhaustion has led you to concede; you have never gone back to hold him accountable for carrying through with his promises. You step up to your plate and commit to yourself to ensure that promises are carried out going forward, no excuses accepted.

Anyone who finds themselves experiencing repetitive battles can do this same analysis. You are looking for entry points — places where you (not your partner) can make a change. If you get stuck, you may want to enlist some professional help. However, many people find that just making a change in what they themselves are doing, is sufficient to end the battle once and for all.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 735)