The Rise of Wives

The Pew Research Center released a report this November covering four decades of research on the American family. The results clearly show that the trend all across the US has been toward “the rise of wives,” noting that women are increasingly better-educated than their husbands. In fact, wives are currently the principal income provider in a fifth of all marriages.

“Females have been the majority of college graduates for the past thirty years,” Claudia Goldin, a professor of economics at Harvard University, pointed out in a recent New York Times interview. The higher levels of education mean higher salaries, and greater incentive to work out of the home.

Sharp-witted commentators have dubbed the current US recession a “mancession,” because it has affected men so much more severely than women. In 2008, three-quarters of the jobs in the US lost by adults in the work force were lost by men, leaving many women in the role of breadwinner by default.

Baila F., a Flatbush mother and grandmother, saw her husband lose his job in a financial firm. “He’s been miserable with our changed situation,” she says. “I’ve been running out to my job as the manager of a company, and he’s been home looking for work and taking on occasional consulting jobs. He feels terribly diminished and insecure.” She adds, “It’s a good thing we’ve been married for thirty years, and have built up a solid base of mutual respect, because his self-respect really took a beating.”

The Many Ways to Butter Bread

Marriages in which women’s earnings exceed those of their husbands come in several versions. Baila’s scenario, in which a wife becomes the principal breadwinner because her husband loses a job or becomes physically disabled, is particularly difficult, because neither party expected or desired to find themselves in that position. Both spouses are forced to reshuffle their expectations and adapt to a new lifestyle.

The blow to a husband’s self-esteem when he’s rendered unable to provide can also make matters difficult. And a wife may feel resentful about being forced to take on a job in addition to her household responsibilities. Both need extra moral support at a time when struggling with new challenges.

A happier scenario is one in which both spouses have jobs, but the wife just happens to get paid more for what she does. Rabbi and Dr. T. is one such couple; she’s a doctor and he works in kashrus for a large certifying agency. “I make more money than my husband,” Dr. T. jokes, “but I still have medical school loans to pay off, so maybe at the end of the day we really come out even!” Since they met while Dr. T. was still in medical school, both fully expected her to finish her degree and embark on a well-paying career — even though it took her several years longer than the norm to finish up due to marriage and childrearing. The T.’s seem very content with their situation. Rabbi T., who says he learned a lot about kitchens working in kashrus, takes care of half the food preparation in their home.

A third scenario involves couples in which the wife’s high income allows the husband to pursue a low-paying career that might more appropriately be termed a “calling.” Faigy, for example, is a computer programmer whose husband is a rebbi in a yeshivah. “He has a professional degree, but he loves teaching Torah,” she says. “My job allows him to contribute to the community and fulfill himself without worrying about making ends meet on a rebbi’s salary.” The fact that Torah occupations tend to be high-status helps offset any issues a man may have about making less money than his wife.

Other situations involve a wife working to allow her husband to pursue a “dream.” Tzivia teaches while her husband tries to break into the music world. “This has always been his dream,” she says, “and I want to support his efforts to succeed.” Laughing, she adds, “Hey, you never know — maybe one day he’ll get ‘discovered’ and make it big!” But she qualifies that their children are still small, and if her husband doesn’t “make it big” in a few years, both have agreed he’ll have to move on and take a nine-to-five, regular, bill-paying job.

The Identity of the Provider

When women are the primary providers, are they robbing the man of his primary identity? Rebbetzin Feige Twerski discussed the ideal. “Having the man of the house be the primary provider is more true to the way we’re meant to be, both religiously and psychologically,” she says. “When the Jews were in Mitzrayim, one of the ways in which Pharoah demoralized them was to force men to do women’s work and vice versa. It’s very hard for a man’s ego when he’s not the one out in the world, delivering a parnassah to his family.”

Many of us, consciously or unconsciously, share these kinds of expectations. A man’s status and self-esteem are more likely to be concentrated into a single basket called “work,” whereas woman’s self-esteem tends to be split more equally between her role as a nurturer (wife, mother, daughter) and her individual talents. Zisha Novoseller, the director of the Emergency Parnossa Institute, says that many men become deeply depressed when they lose their jobs, with an intensity rarely seen in women.

If men derive their deepest pride from being the family provider, you’d expect to find some psychological backlash when their wives surpass them in meeting the family’s financial needs. Dr. Yael Respler, a well-known Orthodox psychotherapist, has encountered cases in her practice in which women earning the lion’s share of the family income suffered repercussions. Dr. Respler spends her sessions with these couples helping them to better identify and express their feelings; the husband learns to communicate his needs more directly, and the wife learns to show her husband more respect and admiration for the fine qualities he has.

Some women make a conscious effort to protect their husbands by “changing hats” when they come home from work. “I supervise twenty people at my job,” Baila says. “I spend my days giving orders to people. So when I’m on the way home to my husband who isn’t making much money any more, I try to imagine myself literally taking off my manager’s hat and replacing it with a pretty, feminine tichel. I’ll think, Hashem, don’t let me be bossy or demanding when I get home — let me see only my husband’s good points, the ways in which he is supportive.”

Although her husband can’t provide much financial support, she points out philosophically, “What is support, really, when you think about it more deeply? It’s not only about the money; there are many ways in which a husband can support a wife: spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, helping around the house. And even if a wife is bringing in the money, she can show her appreciation for what he does do. I always appreciate when my husband fixes a leaky faucet or resolves a problem on the computer for me.”

Baila, like many women in her position, has worked on herself to build up her husband’s self-esteem. “A woman who is out-earning her husband has to work on sustaining her respect for him,” says Rebbetzin Twerski. “She may have to focus more on his strengths in Torah learning, or as a father. While there are always exceptions, in most cases men want to be the provider, and when that’s not happening, one must expend effort to avoid endangering the relationship.”

Mrs. Yitti Bisk is a certified marriage educator and kallah teacher who gives relationship skills workshops to women, as well as a Advice Line respondent. When discussing this situation in which women earn more than men, Mrs. Bisk provides a refreshing attitude that can diffuse much of the issue.

“An important attitude to keep in mind,” she says, “is that parnassah is decreed from the beginning of every year, on Rosh HaShanah. Your husband is bringing in what Hashem decreed that he bring in that year. The amount of money that he gets is not the direct result of his efforts. We get what we need.”

Reminding ourselves of the “True Breadwinner” is essential to keeping a proper hashkafic perspective. This ideal can prevent a lot of resentment. “Ideally, a couple should strive to develop a fondness and admiration system early on in their marriage,” says Mrs. Bisk. “When you have lots of things that you admire in your husband, when you have invested so much in your relationship, you can more easily see the positive perspective in the issue. Instead of feeling resentment to your husband for not living up to his side of the bargain, you see a wonderful guy who is frustrated that he can’t provide adequately for his family. You feel his pain. You see this as ‘our problem’ not ‘his problem.’$$separate quotes$$”

On a practical level, Mrs. Bisk advises sitting down and actually making a list of all the attributes you respect in your husband. Is your respect only based on how much money he nets a year? Realize that that’s only one facet in a marriage. When you’ve developed true respect it’s not dependent on a single source. You respect him for so many other things, for his spiritual strengths, his good middos, for how he completes you as a human being. Focus on what he is doing right, and look at everything he gives you.

Enlisting His Support

Mishpacha writer, Azriela Jaffe points out several ways in which a higher-powered woman may help her husband feel more at ease. Azriela researched and wrote a 2002 book entitled Permission to Prosper: What Working Wives Crave from their Husbands — and How to Get It.

Azriella explains: “It may be hard for a man and it’s often embarrassing for him if his wife is doing better than he is. One thing that helps tremendously is for the wife to bring him on board. If he sees her business solely as her business, then that creates a spirit of competition. But if she involves him, if she seeks his help and he comes to feel that it’s our business, or that her job exists to help the two of them attain a shared goal, then it’ll be easier for him to handle.”

She also warns that some men are threatened by the separate lives women develop when they become involved in a job. A husband should feel you’re saving the best of yourself for him. “I can completely understand a woman who comes home from work and can’t wait to pull off her sheitel and put on some comfortable clothes,” Azriela says, “but you have to keep in mind trying to please your husband. He saw you get all dressed up to go off into the outside world, but he deserves your best side far more than your office mates.”

Azriella writes that many of us, underneath, are confused and contradictory; the wife who wants a career but wants it to be an optional source of income, or the husband who mouths support for his wife’s career but doesn’t like it when dinner isn’t on the table on time.

There are occasional cases in which both husband and wife appear comfortable with a situation in which the wife takes over most of the parnassah as well as the running of the home. But most couples seem to struggle with the imbalance that a working mother places on the home.

Whose Place is in the Kitchen?

Randi Minetor, a former classmate of mine, thought she’d hit the jackpot when she married a mild-mannered Midwesterner who did lighting and technical maintenance for performances. He’d told her he wasn’t sure he’d have the kind of income that could support a family, as his work can be sporadic, but at the time, she was doing PR work and her income was even lower than his.

However, she soon moved into a different field in PR, thereby doubling her salary. Shortly after they were married in 1990, her salary was practically doubled yet again. They bought a charming vintage home, and split mortgage payments while Randi’s increasingly demanding job allowed her to pay the other bills and put money into retirement accounts for both of them. While her husband had entire seasons when business was slow, she’d become a vice president and was managing six people.

“I chafed against the drastic imbalance between my husband’s free time versus my own and the inequities of our responsibilities at home. I felt used, unappreciated, and taken for granted,” she recounts in Breadwinner Wives and the Men They Marry: How to Have a Successful Marriage While Outearning Your Husband, the book that came out of her experiences.

”We’re still very happily married, twenty years later,” she told me from her home in New York — but it took time for them to figure out ways to make their living arrangement one in which Randi wasn’t the one always taking all the responsibility for both income and the household.

“Back in the 1990s, I thought my situation was unique,” she says. “Then I stumbled upon a couple of other women in the same position as me.” She undertook a survey of married couples and concluded that housework seemed to be one of the most major issues for many couples. Randi had automatically assumed responsibility for housework, cooking and laundry around the house — then realized this wasn’t working for her, since she was also working many more hours than her husband. Eventually, she realized the issue was not only about fairness, or keeping score, but rather every woman’s needs to be recognized and appreciated for her contributions to the household.

After interviewing many women, and struggling with the issue herself, Randi now has some pointers for women hoping to elicit greater household cooperation from their husbands. “Be explicit about what you would like your husbands to do,” she says, “and resist criticizing if the job isn’t done to your standards. Suggest choices between tasks, and reasonable deadlines.”

Mrs. Bisk also advocates that communication is the key to a smooth running household. “Although you may be earning more than your husband, you still need his help. Express that to him clearly. Sit down with him, lay out your schedule with him; ‘Let’s see together how we can get this done.’ Demanding help does not work as well as requesting help and appreciating all that he does do.

“You’re a unit. Husbands like to be your knight in shining armor — let him know how he can help you. By losing his position as family provider, his self-respect has taken a big hit. It’s up to you to build that up.”

Randi sums it up, “Hire help if possible, and say thank-you often and sincerely.”

Trends of Spending

Speaking of hiring help leads to the topic of shared finances. Common wisdom maintains that the person who fills the purse holds the purse strings.

“Women feel empowered when they earn most of the family income,” says Rebbetzin Twerski. “We live in a culture that worships money.” But does this translate into asserting control over family spending? In her research survey, Randi Minetor found, to her surprise, that wives with powerful incomes didn’t take advantage of their hefty paychecks to take over financial decision-making. On the contrary, whichever partner was most talented with banking and bookkeeping kept track of the bills and made decisions about the money. Financial control was generally based on competence, not salary.

Dr. and Rabbi T. divide their income into two accounts. His account pays for most household expenses: food, the mortgage, etc. Her earnings go into a business account. “If one account runs short, we funnel money in from the other,” Dr. T. explains. Women who are not self-employed like Dr. T. most often put their salaries into joint accounts, but some couples prefer keeping their money separate and working out an agreement about who will pay for what.

Azriela warns that a woman who opens a new, separate checking account when she begins working may raise her husband’s fears that she no longer needs him. Disagreements about money, she points out, are often not really about money at all. They may reflect a man’s hurt or resentment that his wife has less time for him or the kids. They may be an expression of his insecurities about her work, or his sense she’s cares more about her work than the family because she seems to put more time and energy into it.

Generation Gap?

“I first got married in 1960,” says Susan Levy, a retired teacher now in her sixties. “Even though I grew up with a mother who was a teacher, there was a mentality back then that the husband had to be the main breadwinner. So when I married a musician whose earnings were spotty and who spent a lot of time at home practicing, it was humiliating for me. Often I got really frustrated. It didn’t feel right for a man not to be supporting his wife!”

Baila, who’s in her late fifties and has older siblings, also admits that “my family is appalled that my husband isn’t bringing in much income, even though they know it’s not his fault. All my brothers supported their wives their entire adult lives. I’m very careful to praise my husband to my family so they hear that I stand behind him regardless of the size of his paycheck. But the truth is that the situation is hard for me to swallow too. I nurse my wounds in private, and try not to envy women my age who are supported by their husbands or able to contemplate retirement.”

Yet, perhaps such feelings are becoming a non-issue for people born in the late 1970s and on. Given the Pew result that the last forty years have seen a dramatic increase in the number of wives working outside the home, it seems evident that children’s expectations have changed as they grew up watching more of their mothers share breadwinning with their fathers. Randi Minetor observes that the younger generation is much less fazed by the idea that a father might bring in less money than his wife, even outside the special case of kollel families.

“The younger folks don’t care who’s making more!” she says. “They’re doing a lot of crossing over — the men are cooking, the women are changing the carburetor.” But she also acknowledges that the blurring of traditional roles may not be an unmitigated boon. When you absolve men of responsibilities for their families, and make them feel irrelevant, they’re more likely to deteriorate. A man who feels no one is depending on him may lose incentive to advance in his profession or contribute to the family.

Rabbi Michel Twerski likewise warns of the dangers of blurring the roles of husband/provider and wife/nurturer, citing three points that concern him: 1) respect and authority for the Jewish father, 2) proper role modeling for the children, and 3) the potentially corrosive effects of the workplace on tzniyus for women at every level. His wife adds that, although many women feel compelled by economics to work, “there’s always fallout for the children when a mother has to be absent much of the time.”

As time goes by we’ll see how these new parnassah permutations sit with Jewish families, many of whom have been conditioned through years of a kollel lifestyle to consider a wife’s bigger paycheck a “new normal” situation. Our kesubos still say it’s the husband’s job to keep clothes on our backs and food in the pantry, and many men find this challenge deeply motivating. But if circumstances or personal inclination require us to step up to the parnassah plate, may we find ways to do so that preserve our marriages, chinuch habanim, and priorities as Jewish women.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 227)