There are multiple reasons why we might feel resistance to getting things done

Feel Into Procrastination

Hadassah Eventsur

Have you ever wanted something with all your heart and soul, but can’t seem to find the motivation to complete it? The desire to do it is there, but it’s as if there is a boulder on your back keeping you from taking action. This could be a lifestyle choice like eating healthy, exercising, or davening every day. Or it could be a behavior that you want to minimize such as spending time on your phone or speaking lashon hara.

There are multiple reasons why we might feel resistance to getting things done. One of them is the influence of our emotions on our behavior.

Emotions have a much stronger impact on our behavior than logic. For example, a smoker may have knowledge of the data that shows how smoking negatively impacts our health, but he still chooses to smoke.

The centers in our brain that govern emotion are tightly connected to the centers that manage learning, behavior control, and motivation. Our emotions are the override switch for our behaviors. Even if we know logically that we should or shouldn’t engage in a behavior, our emotions will govern whether or not we do it, no matter how much we understand how these behaviors impact us.

Here is a relatable example of how this plays out in real life. If you have to give a presentation, you may have practiced it a thousand times and know it inside out. But when you get on stage, your brain may completely shut down because the emotional override switch kicks in. Even with all the motivation in the world, you may actually not be able to remember a word of the speech while on stage.

In the case of being on stage, the strong emotions that impact behavior is evident. But when it comes to everyday tasks, we may not feel a blockage when we’re unmotivated.

Why don’t we feel the emotions that come up that are causing resistance? The reason for this is that when negative emotions creep up, we generally tend to engage in distracting behaviors so we don’t have to feel these uncomfortable emotions.

Here’s an example. You have to write an email to your boss to let him or her know you need to take a day off. In that moment, all sorts of emotions may pop up. I’m irresponsible for taking time off… I’m not a team player… My boss is going to fire me.... So instead of feeling and processing those uncomfortable emotions, you whip out your phone and start online shopping or washing the base boards in your dining room. In essence, your brain has learned how to protect you from negative emotions by prompting you to engage in distracting behaviors.

If you find yourself with a lack of motivation, the missing link may be avoiding your emotions. When faced with resistance as it relates to behavior, pause and ask yourself: What emotions am I avoiding?

Spend some time processing these emotions instead of pushing them down. Doing this can help increase awareness of the emotions that are holding you back and help you shift from avoidance to action.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS,OTR/L is an occupational therapist and a Certified Life Coach in the Baltimore area. She is the founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with executive functioning.

Gunnysacking

Abby Delouya 

Gunnysacking: It’s a funny word, not such a funny experience. Gunnysacking is a conflict resolution term associated with storing up resentments or issues and then unleashing them all at once.

Say Michal trips over her husband’s shoes in the morning. She doesn’t say anything. Then she finds his socks randomly strewn about, but again, she doesn’t say anything. Then he comes home later than expected and she ends up having to do bedtime alone. Again, she doesn’t say anything. Then hubby tells her he forgot to follow up and call the car insurance company for her policy renewal.

Now Michal erupts. “I knew I couldn’t count on you! You think I can just do everything around here? You leave your stuff lying around, you leave me with the kids and now, I can’t even drive! Do you even care about me at all?!” She stalks off, leaving hubby more than a bit dazed and confused.

In this scenario, Michal tossed each resentment into the imaginary sack she was carrying until it got too heavy for her to bear. Of course, this is a pretty simplistic example, and usually gunnysacking happens over a course of weeks or even months. Still, the concept is the same.

Imagine if instead of letting her sack of grievances fill up, Michal had dealt with each one as it came up, respectfully sharing with her husband how his actions made her feel?

Of course, we don’t need to share every resentment, and we can choose to self-regulate without sharing our feelings with our spouse. Self-talk along the lines of, “My husband must be working so hard that he forgot to… XYZ” or “Sometimes I’m pretty scatterbrained myself. I’m so glad my husband usually understands,” can also go a long way to diffuse hoarded negativity.

Abby Delouya, RMFT-CCC, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. She is also the Director of Intake and Care Management at Ray of Hope.

Happy Hear — Or Not?

Shoshana Schwartz

How can you tell if you’re people-pleasing or just being kind and helpful? Tune into your emotional state — and your body’s signals.

Are you making scrambled eggs after he rejected sunny-side up because you’re afraid of his reaction — a tantrum, a harsh comment, or subtle revenge? Or are you doing it because you genuinely want him to feel cared for and loved?

Are you picking up a friend’s groceries because you’re worried you’ll look selfish if you don’t? Or because you truly want to ease her day and enjoy helping her?

Your body can offer clues about your true motivation. A heaviness in your chest, tightness in your stomach, or a clenched jaw may signal resentment or obligation, while a light, airy, energized feeling often points to joy and generosity.

Paying attention to these differences can help you make choices that come from a place of love and sincerity — not fear or anxiety.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 931)