Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Everyone Has a Different Plate

Sara Eisemann

“Maybe you think someone doesn’t have a lot on their plate compared to you. But maybe their plate is smaller than yours and doesn’t have a lot of room to begin with. Or maybe their plate is paper, and their flimsy paper plate can’t hold as much as your sturdy ceramic plate can.”

— Anonymous

Yom Kippur is here, and the topic of forgiveness is front and center in our minds. Throughout the year, it’s tempting to accrue a laundry list of complaints against those who disappointed us. We may hold our grievances like a security blanket, afraid that if we let go we’ll have to face some truths about ourselves or about the offending party.

On a superficial level, holding the other person completely accountable gets us off the hook, but also prevents us from avoiding some truth about ourselves. If every conflict becomes reduced to a question of who is right and who is wrong, we can easily lose an opportunity to look within and refine our inner world. Our insecurity can easily turn a conflict into a contest of moral superiority — I do more, therefore I am more. We can quickly go to a place of judgment where we measure the behavior of the other against the standards and tools we have.

But we could use a different lens. Rather than viewing the world from a comparative/judgmental lens, we can look at each other (and ourselves, for that matter) with compassion. When we feel slighted, or maybe even deeply hurt, because someone else didn’t live up to our expectations, perhaps we can show them some understanding when we realize that everyone comes to This World with a different set of tools. Perhaps our internal world is stronger, perhaps our energy level is higher, perhaps our coping mechanisms are better developed.

As we stand in line waiting for life to be scooped onto our plate, let’s understand that everyone gets a different plate. Some are sturdy, some are flimsy. Some plates are already full by the time we meet them in line. Looking at others from this perspective affords us an opportunity to be dan l’chaf zechus from a genuine place. This isn’t about trying to form some fantastical hypothesis about why they let us down; it’s about understanding that we don’t ever really know where someone is coming from and what they’re really capable of at any given moment. It makes it possible to actually not judge.

Sometimes, however, this work comes with a painful realization and that is the acknowledgment that the “offending party” may be working with limited tools. On the one hand, seeing the limitations of the other frees us up to be more understanding and forgiving. On the other hand, it means we now see them as less able or maybe even as unwell. There’s a strong sense of loss when we recognize that someone we hold dear is limited in their capacity to be there for us. The intensity of that disappointment is often enough to blind us to what they’re really capable of, and we may prefer to avoid that awareness at all cost. We prefer to be angry at what we think they’re not doing than to be sad at what they cannot do.

Maybe it would hurt less if we realized that we’ve all got a lot on our plate — and every plate is made of different stuff.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Make Friends with Yourself

Abby Delouya

M

ost people are their own harshest critics. They can treat many people with kindness and compassion, yet when it comes to themselves, they’re less than loving. What if we made friends with ourselves, showing up in a way that allows us to not only put up with ourselves, but actually enjoy our own company?

(Liking yourself doesn’t mean being self-obsessed or me-centered, it simply means building a connection with yourself that allows for safety, trust, kindness, and wisdom.)

Practicing kindness to yourself looks like:

Noticing your inner dialogue. Would you say that, in that way, to a friend?

Swap criticism for curiosity. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” try “What’s going on for me?”

Keep promises to yourself. Show up consistently in small ways.

Offer yourself comfort without conditions. Comfort isn’t a reward for being “good.”

Forgive and repair. Acknowledge when you have let yourself down, and make amends by being gentle with mistakes and allowing yourself second (or third) chances.

When we treat ourselves in a loving, dignified way, and show up for ourselves with compassion and integrity, we not only feel more connected emotionally and spiritually to ourselves, we will also have so much more capacity to give that to others.

Abby Delouya RMFT, CPTT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. She’s also the Director of Intake and Care Management at Ray of Hope.

To Sushi or Not to Sushi

Tsippy Kraus

M

ost expectant mothers know that sushi containing raw fish is best avoided during pregnancy as it carries a higher risk of bacterial contamination, such as Listeria, that can be harmful to a baby. Sushi made with cooked fish or vegetables is generally considered safe, but there’s another factor to consider: the rice.

Cooked rice left at room temperature can quickly grow bacteria — because of bacillus cereus spores which are naturally present in raw rice and are heat stable, meaning they aren’t killed through cooking — making storage of sushi just as important as whether or not it has raw fish in it. To enjoy sushi safely, purchase it from a reputable store where it’s kept properly refrigerated.

Be cautious about taking sushi on a road trip without cooling facilities, or eating it after it has sat out for several hours — think a Shabbos morning kiddush, you look at the fancy shmorg and reach out for a vegetable sushi; perhaps not, if it’s been sitting out for hours.

In short, sushi can be enjoyed during pregnancy with care: focus not only on what’s inside, but also on how and where it’s been stored.

Tsippy Kraus is a childbirth educator and birth trauma release practitioner. She also founded Birth Journeys Online, a pre-recorded online childbirth education course for Jewish couples.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 962)