Mazel tov — it’s a bar mitzvah, a wedding! How to make everyone more comfortable, and put joy back in the simchah when the guest of honor is a child of divorce

“M y parents got divorced when I was five and I was 23 when I got married” recalls Perri. “Even though 18 years had passed it was still a big source of tension to know that my parents would have to be together in the same room again for my wedding.

“My father was remarried which further complicated things. You have to dance with your mom and even though in general she might not be jealous of your stepmom this is a loaded moment for her. You can’t even focus on the simchah because you’re juggling so much — you need to dance with your mother and then you need to dance with your stepmother but you can’t dance too much with her because it will insult your mom.

“And then there are the grandparents and they hate the ex. You’re scared for your parents who will have to face those nasty comments again. There are the relatives on both sides who make comments about your parents too. And you feel guilty because you’re the one making them all come together again. At a certain point I felt like I don’t want to have a wedding I want to just elope.”

Partnering Again 

As many children of divorce share a shared simchah throws a divided family into a maelstrom of anger hurt pain and raw emotion… with the baal or baalas simchah smack in the middle of it.

“It affects every part of the event” says Batya whose parents divorced when she was a teenager. “Arranging the kibbudim was a nightmare. There was a rav who my mother wanted to give a brachah to but my father didn’t get along with him anymore. Should he get a brachah? Could my father bear to be under the chuppah with him? As a kallah you feel like it’s all about you but it’s not. It’s also about the people in your life getting what they need out of the wedding.”

A simchah for a mutual child forces two people who are no longer married to interact again and on some level to become partners in creating a happy event.

“When a couple divorces they — theoretically at least — go on to live separate lives” notes Rachel Rose a family and individual therapist in a private practice in Jerusalem. “A simchah for a joint child brings them back together in the same room. Any issue that wasn’t resolved properly at the time of the divorce can resurface at the hall of a child’s simchah.”

Often these issues interfere with the parents’ ability to focus on the simchah. “Is Moishy having a bar mitzvah or are Mom and Dad getting a chance to show everyone how the other side is no good?” Mrs. Rose asks. “Overcoming a bruised ego and putting your child first may require an Academy Award performance but your child benefits and you get to look like a star.”

The battle can begin long before the event itself as two distinct units try to create a simchah that will be comfortable for both parents. Even happily married couples often disagree on how much money to spend and what kind of event to hold. For couples who are divorced these questions are that much more tension-fraught especially if the two live in different economic brackets or finances are tight as they often are in single-parent homes.

“Ideally the parents should sit together and plan the event taking into consideration what they want and what the kid wants and try to reach a mutual agreement ” says Elisheva Tobin Attali an educational psychologist in Jerusalem with a private practice in couples and family therapy. “But before they do that each parent should sit down alone to think it out. What kind of atmosphere do they want? How much money do they want to spend? Come prepared to the meeting.

“It’s easier said than done” Mrs. Attali continues “but both parents should remind themselves that it’s a one-time event for the child and they both want the child to have positive memories of the simchah. Anything that’s not relevant to that put aside.”

As a milestone event in the lives of both the parents and the child the simchah will inevitably stir up many deep emotions. “On some level no one wants to have a simchah while divorced. Almost everyone wishes they could have the simchah together as one big happy family” says Rabbi Dovid Hochberg LCSW-C director of the Maryland Counseling Network and a psychotherapist in private practice. “The parents may have to mourn the loss of that dream — that their family can no longer be the way they envisioned it.”