“I have to be honest with you, dear. It just seems problematic to me that you’d want to take it easy at this age”

Dear Shadchan,

I see your eagle eyes skim the room, and I quickly look away, but you never fail to spot me when I least want to see you. You confidently stride up to me and start firing questions: “What’s your name? Are you so-and-so’s daughter? Didn’t your sister just get married? Are you next?”

I respond to your questions calmly. “Hello, it’s nice to meet you, too. Yes, I am so-and-so’s daughter. Baruch Hashem, my sister recently got married. And… uh-huh, I’m next,” I reply.

You lean in close and loudly whisper in my ear, “Are you in shidduchim?”

For a moment, I feel a wave of panic. Then I compose myself and reply calmly, “Not really, we’re in no rush, and I’m still very young. I want to take it easy for the moment, and I’ll see, im yirtzeh Hashem….”

You give me that strange look, indicating that my response didn’t satisfy you. Despite your strained smile, I sense question number two is around the corner.

I’m proven right.

“I understand,” you say. “It’s a wise decision to wait. But, may I ask, how old are you?”

Your tone says that you’re well aware of my age. “I’m nineteen; I’ll be turning twenty this March, im yirtzeh Hashem,” I reply with a smile.

Your smile, though, has vanished.

“I have to be honest with you, dear. It just seems problematic to me that you’d want to take it easy at this age. I mean, you’re almost twenty years old! You should be getting into shidduchim and dating seriously! Waiting too long can make things difficult, and you don’t want to be left behind while everyone else is moving on with their lives. Nobody will wait for you, and you’ll regret your choice to wait in a few years!”

Maybe. Maybe to you waiting at this age is problematic. Maybe to you not being ready at this age is problematic. So you say nobody will wait for me and that I’ll regret waiting.

But maybe you just don’t know me well enough to give me advice on this next vital period in my life?

I understand that in the Jewish world, particularly in the chassidish community, it’s the norm for girls to get engaged between the ages of 18 and 20. While it’s not within an individual’s control when they meet their bashert, choosing to hold off on shidduchim at this age is often considered a red flag.

I just turned 20 and am not ready for marriage yet. The reason for this is that I still have some personal issues I need to work on, and I don’t feel settled or stable enough to enter into an intimate relationship. I’m currently in therapy, and it’s not the right time for me to focus on marriage. If my parents or shadchan were to push me to start dating and get engaged, I know it wouldn’t end well.

I’m not immature, selfish, or spoiled, and I don’t prioritize partying or hanging out with friends over marriage. I wish I were in a different place emotionally, where I could get engaged and everything would be perfect. My decision to wait isn’t coming from a place of selfishness. It’s the opposite. I don’t want to ruin an innocent boy’s life by marrying him when I’m not ready.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment that requires hard work and dedication to build a strong relationship with one’s partner. Jumping into it without being fully ready or committed isn’t fair to oneself or one’s future spouse.

Please view my decision to wait as a courageous and mature one, rather than something problematic or a cause for concern. It’s important to me that you recognize that not everyone is ready to take on the responsibilities of marriage at the same age, and that’s perfectly okay.

I know you mean well, and I appreciate your concern. But I wish you would recognize that everyone moves at their own pace. Some people are ready for marriage at a young age, and that’s great for them. But for others, it takes longer.

And that’s okay, too.

Sincerely,

That “Problematic” 20-Year-Old

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 912)