You shouldn’t follow the “don’t go to sleep angry at your spouse” rule

M

arital conflict is unique in that the pain it produces is so excruciating, people usually want to resolve it immediately.

During conflict, a fire is lit between two nice people. Perhaps it was due to a misunderstanding. Perhaps one party felt diminished or neglected. Maybe it was due to a carelessly spoken word or to an unfounded accusation. Maybe it was because of a “look” or a tone of voice. Whatever it was, both parties are now upset.

When the “fight” begins, one or both of them are overtaken by the fight-or-flight response. When this happens, adrenaline may lead to speaking way too loudly (fight) or to a sullen shutdown (freeze). There may be crying (flight); someone may hurl ultimatums (fight); someone may threaten divorce (flight) or leaving for the night (flight). There’s endless futile repetition, demands for change and demands for apologies, increasing hysteria, deeply wounding remarks, and all the other hurtful cuts to the heart.

Never Go to Sleep Angry

Someone somewhere made up a rule: “Never go to sleep angry.” Many people have lived by that rule, believing that if they could only resolve their issue before falling asleep, they would live happily ever after.

In reality, couples who stay up late to work out their issues usually end up tired and resentful. As fatigue sets in and their nerves are frayed, the husband and wife have less and less impulse control, along with more and more stress and anxiety. The fight feels like a battle for personal survival.

When the couple does eventually fall sleep, they’ll be tired, which will impact their ability to function the next day. Often the fight will then drag on into the next morning, with both parties hoping that the kids won’t notice that they haven’t exchanged any words all day. Each spouse will struggle to recall what the fight was even about while feeling completely disillusioned, drained, frustrated, overwhelmed, and miserable. This state of affairs will carry on until one spouse is so tired of it that he or she initiates a surrender. If the other one accepts, the fight is over — until next time.

Things to Know About This Advice

This marital advice is quite common and, unfortunately, damaging. Fortunately, no one has to follow this pattern. It’s completely optional and since it’s so painful and harmful, dropping it is highly recommended. Here’s a better way to deal with marital conflict:

Follow the new rule: No fighting past 9 p.m. This rule asks married couples to limit their availability for conflict resolution. No attempts at resolving issues should happen after 9 p.m. The marriage will continue the next day; there is no emergency. You can resolve the issue over a series of days if necessary. Following this rule helps reduce the feeling of panic and the subsequent spilling of adrenaline into the bloodstream that inevitably leads to hurt through aggressive behavior (fight) as well as extreme defensiveness (flight) and shutdowns (freeze).

Add a rule: Resolve conflict only when sitting down and sipping a (preferably warm) beverage. This protocol also helps ward off the fight-or-flight response. Threat is reduced and the body is primed for digestion and communication, rather than for war.

Follow a fair fighting protocol that outlaws insults, exaggerations, raised voices, threats, and other escalatory tactics, and favors close listening, acknowledgment, and clear requests. Again, the goal is to address the pain point without triggering adrenaline.

If the first three steps cannot be achieved, enlist the help of a trained and licensed marital counselor for temporary assistance. Once the new pattern is established in the counseling context, it will be easy to use independently at home when conflict arises.

Commit to a drama-free marriage. It’s the foundation for a secure and lasting bond that will nourish you and your family. Recognize the all-nighter as a serious threat to the achievement of a healthy home and take steps to completely eradicate it. Whatever it is that triggers conflict needs to be attended to and corrected, but there’s a way to do that without destroying the marriage. When you fight in the dark or when you pull an all-nighter, it’s impossible to see things clearly. Let the sun shine on the issues — deal with them while you’re wide-awake and able to see where the conversation will lead you and your marriage.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 978)