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| Family Reflections |

Crossed Lines

When a simple conversation turns complicated, one party may be hearing more than was actually said

 

D

inah (thinking quietly to herself): Maybe I should give Dan’s grandmother a call. Oh, but wait… what if he already spoke to her today? I know it’s hard for her to have too many calls. I’d better check.

Dinah: Dan, did you speak to your grandmother today?

Dan: Why? Is she complaining I didn’t call her?

Dinah: No, but I was thinking of calling her.

Dan: Well, you didn’t ask me to call her.

Dinah: I know. I just wanted to make sure you hadn’t called her already.

Dan: Well, why would I have called her? Did you ask me to?

Dinah: No. It’s just that you’ve sometimes called her even when I don’t ask you to.

Dan: Well I didn’t, and I don’t understand why you’re complaining that I didn’t call her if you didn’t even ask me to.


Strange Conversations

Dinah and Dan regularly have exhausting conversations like this. Why didn’t it just go like this?

Dinah: Dan, did you speak to your grandmother today?

Dan: No.

The answer is crossed lines. In the first example, Dan is responding to the question he thinks his wife is asking rather than the straightforward question she is asking.

What Dinah said: Dan, did you speak to your grandmother today?

What Dan heard: Dan, why didn’t you speak to your grandmother today?

The whole conversation on his part is a defensive explanation about why he hadn’t called. His lines all make sense once we change Dinah’s words to constitute blame and criticism.

The problem, of course, is that Dinah’s actual conversation included no blame or criticism whatsoever. So why is Dan responding to an imaginary attack?

One possible reason is that Dinah routinely does blame and criticize her husband, so he’s assuming that this communication is the same old, same old.

Another possible reason has nothing to do with Dinah. It’s just that Dan used to be a little boy who routinely found himself in trouble. Suffering from a bad case of ADHD, he experienced constant complaints from teachers, parents, and others throughout all his developmental years.

Although Dinah is not a critical person, he assumes that any question about his actions must be some sort of complaint, as this is where his impulsivity and inattentiveness had gotten him his whole young life. Now that he’s an adult, being questioned about the weather could bring about a defensive response.

How to Deal with Strange Conversations

If Dinah is, in fact, a critical, complaining wife, she’ll need to improve her own conversation patterns before her husband improves his. People under regular attack do become defensive after a while, creating strange-sounding conversations.

If, on the other hand, Dinah is a casualty of Dan’s childhood experiences, she’ll need a different strategy. First, she needs to be on the alert for “crossed lines” — responses to her simple questions that are about something other than her literal question. Once she has identified a crossed line, she has a couple of options.

One, she can just end the conversation. Here’s an example:

Dinah: Dan, did you speak to your grandmother today?

Dan: Why? Is she complaining that I didn’t call her?

Dinah: No. I was curious. No problem. Thanks.

The abrupt end to the conversation will prevent the flow of further defensive and irritated remarks. When an issue isn’t that important, this may be a good strategy to employ.

However, if an answer to the question is necessary, then it may be possible to “trick” the person into answering it by simply repeating the question and then quickly ending the conversation. It might look like this:

Dinah: Dan, did you speak to your grandmother today?

Dan: Why? Is she complaining that I didn’t call her?

Dinah: Did you speak to your grandmother today?

Dan: No, but why are you asking?

Dinah: Okay thanks. I was just wondering….

Being able to recognize crossed lines is an important skill. It helps prevent one from drowning in a sea of confusing and painful conversations, wondering about one’s own sanity. Over time, it can also help reduce defensiveness and conflict.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 698)

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Comments (4)


  1. Avatar
    0
    Anonymous

    Mrs. Radcliffe, you offer two good options for dealing with an over-reactive, defensive spouse. But you do not address the low quality of life that comes with living with such a person.
    What if “Dinah’s” words did contain traces of accusation or irritation? “Dan’s” sensitivity does not allow her to have a range of regular feelings.
    “Why is the counter covered in crumbs and grease?”
    “You didn’t even thank me for making breakfast, you just accuse me and point out every minor mistake! How was I supposed to know that the toaster leaves crumbs? I didn’t even get a chance to clean this up before you jumped down my throat!”
    Life with hyper-defensiveness is narrow and exhausting; every word is weighed against a potential flood of backlash. Normal needs (ie., please don’t leave messes on the counter) go unaddressed because the risk is high and the reward is null. One spouse disappears while the other’s endless neediness takes up all the room.
    Besides for these two methods of looking aside or skirting the issue, can you suggest ideas to address the core issue?


    1. Sarah Chana
      0
      Sarah Chana

      When a person has a chronic personality problem such as the one you are describing, there are a few different scenarios that can unfold. One is that a serious confrontation of the issue may yield some improvement. That should always be attempted first. If raising the issue and asking for change results in no change, marital counseling can be the next step. In some cases that may also involve individual counseling.
      If all these steps have been taken and there’s still no improvement, the marriage will be compromised. Not everyone ends up living with a healthy, mature, pleasant partner. It is simply a sad fact of life that some people enjoy certain blessings that others don’t, such as more financial comfort, better health, more successful children, and more pleasant spouses — among other factors. How one copes with life’s difficulties, including an unpleasant spouse, is all part of one’s spiritual journey.


      1. Avatar
        0
        S.B.

        I respectfully disagree with Sara Chana Radcliffe’s response that some people are married to kinder spouses, and some people are not. This is very disempowering for wives and disheartening. There is a better way.
        I have a close friend who was told by her therapist that she needs to “accept” the fact that she is married to an inflexible and difficult person, and will never have the warmth and connection in her marriage that she was hoping for.
        Fortunately, instead of going that route (and accepting this), this friend learned and incorporated six skills from The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. She felt empowered and began seeing immediate changes in her marriage. Her husband became supportive and started treating her like a queen; she decided to stay married because she was truly happy!


        1. Sarah Chana
          0
          Sarah Chana

          Yes, first, one tries everything. I myself am a psychologist who helps people change all day long! Improved relationship skills such as those described in Laura Doyle’s book, marital counseling, personal therapy, marriage and personal-development courses and so much more is available to help us all do better and most often, these things DO make us all so much better. However, even when they help us, some of us will still have our essential personality challenges and even disabilities. While one woman can transform her husband with her new skills, another may not be able to do that. It is this latter scenario I was referring to when saying that some spouses will be less wonderful to live with than others. This is just the same as “some children are easier and more well-adjusted than others” even in the care of the most wise and nurturing parent. It is a fact of life.