When people grow in a different direction from their spouse, it can cause deep erosion in the marriage

Connecting through Difficulty

Abby Delouya

Walk into any marriage therapy practice and you’ll likely hear these phrases: “She’s not the same person I married,” and “We’ve grown apart.”

While personal growth isn’t only inevitable, it’s preferable (imagine if we stayed our 20-year-old selves in intellect, wisdom, and abilities our whole lives?). When people grow in a different direction from their spouse, it can cause deep erosion in the marriage.

General life, the passing of time, and the maturation process will change our personalities, reactions, and worldviews. Our brains aren’t even fully developed until our mid-twenties, so cognitive development and various neurocognitive and psychological processes will happen during the very early years of marriage.

But there are certain experiences that can be so potentially impactful, that in retrospect, couples might be able to identify that experience as a turning point. Some examples may include (but aren’t limited to):

• Loss of a child, Rachmana litzlan
• Other significant griefs and losses (parents, siblings, mentors, friends)
• Spiritual growth
• Significant differences in parenting styles
• Serious illness, Rachmana litzlan
• Emotional, physical, spiritual, or social challenges with a child
• External trauma or crisis, such as an accident, attack, natural disaster, or war
• Fertility issues/pregnancy loss
• Significant financial issues/trouble or change in financial circumstances (even for better)
• Significant career change that disrupts or changes an expected or agreed-upon lifestyle
• Discovery of an addiction or trauma

Each one of these categories is an enormous challenge. Yet they’re unfortunately not so uncommon, and they all have the capacity to affect a person’s soul, personality, and behavior.

How do we stay connected to our spouses through these difficult life circumstances? It’s challenging enough to carve out connected and emotionally intimate couple’s time during regular life. What if someone is just barely holding on as they navigate a possible excruciating challenge? What happens when the challenge affects both spouses equally, and they have very different ways of reacting to it?

1) Keep up with yourself. You can’t expect anyone to provide what you need if you’re not tuned into yourself. It may feel impossible while in the middle of an emotional or physical storm to stop and listen to yourself, but it’s the best thing you can do. What do you need? Is it help — additional help in the home? Guidance from a rav? Help from a trusted mentor or friend? Therapy with a licensed professional?

2) Get in touch with your physical needs. Are you eating, sleeping, drinking, and exercising enough? When we’re in survival mode, it’s easy to forget our basic physical needs, yet when that happens, we’re so much less equipped to take care of emotional selves.

Once there has been an understanding, acceptance of, and attunement to what we need as individuals, then we’re able to communicate those needs.

3) Share your insights/needs/journey. Your spouse may or may not be capable of supporting you fully, depending on how the challenge is affecting him/her. However, just the process of sharing what you’re going through, and listening to what they’re going through, can strengthen the bond between you. It’s so much harder to stumble through a challenge with your spouse nowhere in sight. Including each other, as potentially difficult as it may be, is an important factor in staying connected to each other.

4) Try to spend time together doing fun, creative activities that enable you to connect. During this time, stressful conversations may not be had. Only light and breezy date conversations allowed. Try to do this at least once every few weeks. It doesn’t have to be out of the home; it can be cooking a meal together at home, or participating in a free outdoor activity.

We can’t control the challenges Hashem sends us, but we can control our reactions to them, and decide that at the end of it, as changed as we may be, we will have evolved as people and as spouses as well.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

Black-and-White

Shira Savit

AS

we discussed previously, instead of viewing our unwanted eating as self-sabotage, we can explore it through curiosity, asking ourselves which voice is showing up while we’re eating. Oftentimes, it’s our child part who wants instant gratification, or the teen rebel who is anti-authoritative.

Another common persona that shows up during eating is the black-and-white voice, also known as the All or Nothing Eater. This part tends to see food choices in extremes: either you’re eating “perfectly” or you’ve completely failed. The voice of this persona says, “I already messed up today, so I might as well eat whatever I want!” We end up in a barrage of self-attack, concluding that we don’t have enough willpower.

Instead of striving for self-control, we can shift to self-awareness. When this black-and-white voice comes up, we can remind ourselves: This is just a part of me showing up right now; it’s not the definition of who I am. It can be helpful to dialogue with this part — Ask yourself what this black-and-white persona is afraid of and why it feels the need to be so extreme. Often, it’s trying to protect you from feelings of failure or inadequacy. By understanding its fears, you can begin to address them more constructively. Of course, this is a process that might entail deeper emotional work, as the black-and-white part usually has a lot of layers to it.

Engaging with these parts compassionately can lead to more balanced and more sustainable eating habits. Recognize that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you don’t have to swing between extremes. With patience and self-compassion, you can find a healthier relationship with food that honors all parts of yourself.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

They’re Not Flawless Facts

Shoshana Schwartz

Memory isn’t a perfect recording of events, it’s an interpretation shaped by our perspective, understanding, and life experience.

While memories may not be entirely factual, they’re still important because they offer insights into our perceptions, emotions, and patterns. For example, if you clearly remember that your mother always smiled, that might not be factually true, but it reflects your experience of her. Such memories reveal valuable information about ourselves, even if they aren’t perfect accounts of what actually happened.

It’s essential to recognize that memories, especially those formed at a young age or during intense emotions, may not be precise representations of events. Embrace them for the personal truth they hold, but don’t assume they’re flawless facts.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of SlimHappyMama.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 909)