As a healthy, functioning adult, the only approval you truly need is yours and Hashem’s

Compared to…

Shoshana Schwartz

Pop quiz: Are you short or tall?

IF you’re on either end of that spectrum, your answer is obvious. But if you’re average height, you might say, “Compared to my sister, I’m quite tall, but compared to my husband, I’m short.” When there’s no clear-cut answer, comparison helps clarify your status.

Occasional comparisons can be helpful, offering a reality check. But if your go-to is comparing yourself to others, it might be a sign that your sense of self needs a boost.

But wait — aren’t we supposed to fit in, understand, and apply social norms? Of course! Staying connected to the tzibbur, especially in areas that affect our values or halachic standards, provides protection from negative outside influences. But living a life of constant comparison keeps us from developing our unique, authentic way of showing up in the world.

Developing a strong sense of self — knowing who you are independently of others’ views — is key. When that’s lacking, it’s hard to feel secure. You might struggle to know where you stand on important (or even unimportant) issues, what clothing or hairstyle you prefer, or even your favorite flavor of ice cream. This uncertainty can be anxiety-provoking, making you feel like you have no choice but to rely on others to establish your identity and reaffirm your sense of belonging.

To compensate for this shaky sense of self, some people try to create a sense of security by aiming for perfection — striving to do everything “just right” as defined by their environment. Whether it’s how you present yourself, how you parent, or how you manage your home, perfectionism can feel like a way to align with external standards and create an identity that seems acceptable. But trying so hard to fit in can actually camouflage your individuality and prevent you from discovering who you truly are.

Rebuilding a compromised sense of self is an inner journey. But there are actions you can take to start the process and make you realize that you can survive unfavorable comparisons — whether they’re made by you or others.

One idea is to sporadically practice doing an action that’s just different enough to challenge you, but not so different that people think you’ve lost your mind. Wear two slightly different-colored socks, hold an umbrella on a sunny day, or order your latte with a straw. The idea is to occasionally go out of your comfort zone and face the possibility of standing out.

This may sound daunting, even terrifying. But imagine what would happen if you could learn to tolerate discomfort! Imagine wondering what others are thinking about you, then being able to acknowledge it and just sit with that anxiety — without needing to act on it. Instead of avoiding people or places, making excuses, or trying to justify yourself, you could act in line with your values. You could stop worrying so much about what others think and start focusing on what you think.

It might also help to journal. Ask yourself questions like, “What do I truly care about?” or “What choices feel authentic to me, even if they’re unpopular?” Reflecting on your personal priorities can help you shift the focus from external approval to internal clarity.

When you practice surviving the discomfort of wondering what others think about you, you’ll begin to wonder what you think about you. As a healthy, functioning adult, the only approval you truly need is yours and Hashem’s.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Eating your Seeds

Tsippi Gross and Rivky Rothenberg

A farmer married off his daughter to a local peasant. He wanted to set his son-in-law up with a lifelong ability to provide for his daughter. He gave them sacks and sacks of seeds and showed the young couple how to plant them. The young couple got married, and after a short time, realized they were hungry. They took the sacks of seeds in their cellar and got to work grinding them up and making fancy dishes out of them.

But what happens when the sacks are finally empty?

They literally ate their seeds.

Financial expert Mel Abraham teaches that so many of us do exactly this: we eat our seeds. Imagine $100 invested at 8% for 40 years. That $100 turns into $2,172.45. (The same assumptions, but with a $10,000 seed, could turn into $217,245.21).

But most people use the $100 to buy something they need today, and then it’s gone. Putting money away isn’t easy, especially when we need it (and generally we do). The good news is that it’s a muscle that can be built. It’s also incredibly rewarding. When we start making investments, and we monitor the amounts climbing ever so slightly, it releases oxytocin, and we feel great about it, we want to do it more, and we figure out ways to maneuver our budget around.

It’s a great feeling knowing our seeds are planted and are growing, and that even when we pick the apples off the tree in the winter, those planted seeds ensure that there will be more the following year.

Taking the first step is the hardest. So start small, but start.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

Collector’s Item

Zipora Schuck

Since time immemorial children have collected things. Stamps, coins, sports cards, gedolim pictures, specific toys, stationery, and stickers have all been timeless favorites. Many children start collecting things around six to eight years old, as they begin to develop the skills needed to build and maintain a collection.

There are many social benefits to collecting items, such as having a common interest with other collectors, which can serve as entry into a friendship and lead to conversations about the collections. Other benefits include an increased sense of responsibility as they look after their collection, improvement in organizational and categorization skills as they keep on top of it, delayed gratification as they slowly build it up, and the pride and self-esteem boost they get as they watch it grow.

Make sure your child knows how to trade fairly and doesn’t take advantage of others or get taken advantage of.  Collecting is supposed to be enjoyable and fun, not a pressure or an unhealthy preoccupation.

If a child tires of the collection, consider keeping it. It’s fun to look back at it when your child is older, and you never know, some items may even go up in value!

Zipora Schuck MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 925)