| Double Take |

Comfort Zone

By Rochel Samet | October 14, 2020

“Shidduchim, Ma? I just got back... I’m looking into college programs. One thing at a time, no?”

Devori: I need space and quiet, and Bubby’s house offers me that.

Chava: We need to think about your future, and not only about what feels good right now.

Devori:

Just when I was actually starting to enjoy the seminary experience, it was suddenly over.

I know I’m not the only one who had to deal with this, my classmates all went through the same, but still, it was different for me.

I don’t have an easy time getting used to new situations. It’s just my personality, I like what I’m used to, and seminary was a huuuuge step out of my comfort zone. I was excited to go, and the classes were incredible, but dorm life was hard for me on so many levels. My messy roommate, who left her stuff all over the room, the noise in the hallways that my sound machine barely muffled, and the food, with its strange, unfamiliar taste. I had crackers for supper pretty often.

And all that’s even before talking about friends. I don’t know, are my social skills lacking, is it introversion, is it shyness or anxiety, or is it just me? Building up relationships from nod-in-the-hallway to say-hello to stop-and-talk was a tedious, step-by-step process on my end. I’ll admit, I had a few flashbacks to those tutoring sessions years ago that Ma made me take, “tutoring” being a euphemism for “someone to help you learn social skills.”

But whatever it was, friends took time, adjusting to seminary took time, and then it was all snatched away just when I was finally getting into things.

At first, no one knew what was happening. We still hoped to go back to Israel to finish the year, no one really believed it could be over just like that. Then reality sank in, together with the extended lockdown.

I was back for good.

“Not for good,” Ma said brightly when I mentioned something to that effect. “Shidduchim is just a temporary stage, and then who knows? Maybe your chassan will want to live in Israel?”

I smiled weakly. I loved the kedushah of Eretz Yisrael, even now, the thought of the Kosel made something in my chest tighten — but living in a crowded apartment building, squeezing onto buses every time I had to go anywhere, and dealing with forthright Israelis and their questions in the supermarket? I didn’t think I’d do very well like that.

“Shidduchim, Ma? I just got back... I’m looking into college programs. One thing at a time, no?”

Ma pursed her lips. “You’ve been back three months already, Devori, it’s not too early. Look at your sisters, they all got engaged in their first year back home. But it doesn’t make a difference, you can look into college, start working. Leave shidduchim to me and Ta, and don’t worry about anything.”

But I was worried. The idea of starting shidduchim was... overwhelming. I wanted to get started on my degree, find a part-time job. I wanted to settle back down, maybe reconnect to old friends — right now, I didn’t have much of a social life. My two or three close friends from seminary lived far away, and keeping up long-distance wasn’t always so easy. There was just a lot on my plate, and I preferred to push off dating for at least a few months.

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Comments (4)

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Miriam Adahan
5 years ago
Reply

The young woman in the Double Take story “Comfort Zone” is obviously on the spectrum, probably Asperger’s, a term which has since been replaced by various substitutes. She is super-sensitive to noise, feels no need to talk about her feelings with others, must be urged to form social connections but fails to maintain those connections, because she does not understand the effect of her behavior on others and does not show understanding or interest in people’s feelings, or her own, etc. This article screams out “autism,” although the word is not mentioned.
The mother hopes to hide her daughter’s social deficits and just get her married off. I hope the future groom will not be deceived.
In my experience, it’s best for two “Aspies” to marry each other. Otherwise, they will feel incredibly frustrated with each other, like a “kilayim” relationship in which a donkey and an ox are tethered to each other, each one tortured by a failure to have similar goals and needs.
1. 0
  M.S.
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  I am writing in response to Miriam Adahan’s assessment of the young woman portrayed in the Double Take story “Comfort Zone.”
  I think that with all due respect, Mrs. Adahan may have jumped to a hasty and possibly unjustified diagnosis. When I read the article, I found myself understanding both the grandmother, who would be happy to host her beloved granddaughter, and the granddaughter, who finds all the hustle and bustle in her own home overwhelming and who would love to spend more time with her grandmother.
  All of the supposed deficits are described by the mother, who seems to me to be pushy, relentless, undervaluing any opinion other than her own, and inconsiderate of the feelings of others. Her daughter’s teachers did not agree with her, her husband did not agree with her, but she forged on because she “knew better.”
  Why she thinks that her daughter is not normal for wanting to settle down and start college before jumping into shidduchim is beyond me! Who forces their child to start shidduchim at such a young age?!
  This young girl was made to feel from a very young age that she did not measure up in her mother’s opinion, that she does not have the sparkling personality of her sisters, etc. Perhaps this young woman is just more of an introvert, which is clearly not a disorder, simply a personality type.
  The young woman appears to me to be a mature person, who understands herself and her needs, despite having a mother who invalidates all of her opinions. Diagnosing this young woman as being “obviously on the spectrum” is insulting, and failing to see the whole picture. While Mrs. Adahan is a respected person with often valuable insights, she seems to have missed the mark on this one.
2. 0
  A mom who knows
  5 years ago
  Reply
  
  I was so relieved to see Miriam Adahan’s letter in last week’s Inbox pointing out that the daughter in the Double Take story likely has Asperger’s — because that’s exactly what I was thinking as I read the story!
  I’m the mother of a similar daughter. Some people might say she is just very introverted, but I know there is a lot more going on. Females with Asperger’s usually present differently than males, and it takes awareness and courage to acknowledge the issue and pursue a diagnosis. My daughter might not have gotten the skills and help she needed if I would have dismissed it as, “oh, she’s just a real introvert.”
  Like it or not, we live in a very social-oriented society. The social cues and relationship skills that so many of us take for granted can be incredibly daunting for someone like my daughter to master. She wanted so badly to succeed in school and in her relationships but couldn’t read body language naturally, didn’t have the knowhow to keep a conversation going or to intuit when it’s over, and didn’t realize when her habits and likes or dislikes might be perceived as “off” to others.
  We’re doing our best to help her and have seen so much progress. But it starts with understanding the nature she was given — which of course also comes with amazing gifts, talents, and abilities. Most of us consider it terrible to label a child. But sometimes — like in my daughter’s case — a label is the key to getting important help. And sometimes — like in this Double Take story — ignoring a child’s unique nature, personality, gifts and yes, deficits, just guarantees a life of frustration.
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Lea Pavel
5 years ago
Reply

The debate in “Comfort Zone” is, does Chava want her child to be normal or to be happy?
True, Devori is different from her other children, but reading her perspective you do not detect any unhappiness except when her mother is pushing her to do things she isn’t ready for. It’s not unreasonable for an 18-year-old to not want to date yet. Chava is catastrophizing that if Devori isn’t dating (or married) at the same time her older daughters were then she’ll . . . what? Be single forever?
Some parents will try to shove a square peg child into a round hole, but that’s not what their role is. Yes, Chava was responsible in assisting Devori as a child with socializing therapy, but it’s a whole different ball game to believe that getting her married post-haste will “fix” her.
Devori could be eased into the next stage in life, rather than dragged there kicking and screaming. And it’s a shame that Chava demonizes her mother-in-law’s influence, when to be fair, there is no influence. Bubby is quiet, Devori is quiet, and they enjoy being quiet together.
It’s very possible Devori will have the same sort of relationship with her future husband, and be happy there as well. When she is ready.