Become a curious investigator. Ask your child specific, open-ended questions

Class Act

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz

F

ew things unsettle parents more than hearing their child is having difficulty in the classroom while the teacher maintains radio silence. It’s a situation that demands careful navigation.

First, if this happens to you, let me validate your concern and worry. Hearing that your child is being removed from class or struggling — especially without any communication from the teacher — would worry any parent. I’ve been there and I know how unnerving it can feel. But as parental involvement is a delicate dance, more information might be helpful to consider the best next steps.

Kids are notorious for being unreliable reporters. One of my own children used to walk in the door, regularly reporting that he’d had a terrible day. When I checked in with the teachers, they reported that he’d actually had a great day — he just didn’t enjoy the last subject of the day so he went home feeling it was all terrible. What a child perceives as “getting kicked out” might be something entirely different — like a teacher’s supportive strategy of taking a quick break.

Here’s a measured approach I suggest:

First, become a curious investigator. Ask your child specific, open-ended questions: What happens before you leave the classroom? Where are you sent when this happens? Do you know what you did to prompt the rebbi to ask you to leave?

If your child can’t provide clear details, turn this into a collaborative fact-finding mission. I sometimes invite students to investigate. I give them a small notebook and ask them to become “classroom reporters” for the next two days. If the child doesn’t have the skills to do that, I might even create a simple tracking sheet with columns for time of event, what happened, what my behavior is, and what the rebbi did.

This approach accomplishes multiple things:

Gives your child agency in understanding the situation;

Shifts focus from being “kicked out” to understanding their own behavior;

Provides you with concrete information;

Helps your child develop reflective skills.

Oftentimes, this small action will shift the situation and help it resolve on its own. If, however, the situation continues, your son reports something concerning, or he can’t figure out what is unacceptable about this behavior, I would suggest you reach out to the rebbi. When you do communicate with the teacher, remember the cardinal rule: You’re both there to support your child. Using phrases like “I would love to better understand, as I’m confused about what my child is sharing,” or “I’m curious to hear your perspective about what my son is sharing,” along with “I would love to do all I can to support my son,” are sentiments that go a long way in ensuring that communication is supportive and not combative.

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz is an educational consultant. She is the author of How to Stop Caring What Others Think: For Real and Always On: An Interactive Parents’ Guide to the (Dis)Connected Generation.

Skipped, Not Sidelined

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

IN

n a recent column, we advised a younger sister who was getting married before her older sister. But if you’re the older sister being skipped?

I’ve been there and done that — for several siblings — and here are some ideas that helped me through.

I asked myself: Do I really want the pressure of holding my sibling back? I’d hate for my sisters to feel frustrated or secretly (or not so secretly) resentful while waiting for me. It would have added even more pressure to an already fraught situation. It was better for both of us that my sister moved forward, even if I felt stuck. We imagine a perfect timeline for school, seminary, marriage, kids, but life rarely follows our neat timeline. Once seminary ends, all bets are off. The sooner we accept that, the easier the wait becomes.

I was also acutely aware of a pattern that often emerges when a younger sibling skips. Younger Sib wants to share the details of her prep. But she sees it’s causing Older Sib pain, so she hides the bags from her shopping trip and stops conversation midstream when Older Sib walks in.

Then Older Sib get stung, claiming: You don’t care about me, you’re not including me, etc. And on the sad cycle goes. If you can be warm and gracious, you’ll sidestep this. Even better, see if you can get involved. Go with your sister to choose a gown or sheitel, or if that’s too hard, weigh in on home decor or accompany her on errands. This can give you back the older-sister role of guiding and advising and will help bolster your connection.

On a practical level, you can learn from your sister’s wedding mistakes. Being the guinea pig isn’t always fun; take careful notes of what you’ll do differently when your time comes.

Also, keep in mind that people will be watching you. If you can stretch and be warm and gracious, it can open the door to fresh suggestions.

Mostly, hold on to the belief and the hope that im yirtzeh Hashem you’ll have your own moment of joy. It’s her moment now and, as someone who loves her, try to celebrate with her, and be as happy for her as you know she’ll be for you.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

After the Storm

Shira Savit

WE

all go through times when we run on adrenaline — a simchah, a child’s crisis, a medical concern, emotional turbulence. Sometimes the stress shows up instantly in the stomach, yet other times, almost strangely, the gut stays quiet. You grab whatever food is available, keep going, and the stomach doesn’t react at all.

And then life slows down, and suddenly your body speaks: bloating, cravings, emotional eating, constipation, indigestion. You wonder: Things are calmer now, why is this happening?

When you’re pushing through, the gut holds everything in. It tightens, slows digestion, and stores the emotions you don’t have room to feel. It keeps you functioning by suppressing symptoms.

When the pressure softens, your gut begins to release what it’s been carrying. If you can simply acknowledge what’s happening — oh, my body finally feels like it can breathe again — the gut can continue to ease on its own. Sometimes awareness is enough to help things settle.

Shira Savit MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 974)