Break Down, Build Up
| November 1, 2017It was very early on in my rabbanus when I learned that “not all that glitters is gold.” Too often those families who at first glance would be perfect to adorn the cover of Mishpacha were in reality the most dysfunctional.
When I first began dealing with shalom bayis issues I still believed with a sense of na?vet? that all marriages are salvageable and blissfulness could always be restored.
Goldy and Laibel (names changed) were the first (but unfortunately not the last) couple who rid me of my innocence and propelled me into reality.
Goldy and Laibel were married for 17 years. They had four children yet they never had one day of true serenity in their marriage.
When they first came to me I insisted they see a competent marriage counselor. I am adamant that in matters that require professional intervention the issue should be handled by trained and licensed experts.
Even after a year of therapy the situation only continued to deteriorate and despite my heartfelt desire for them to reconcile it was obvious that their marriage was imploding.
The home was saturated with stress and laden with anxiety which caused everyone — especially the children — to be constantly walking on eggshells. The children described their home as a place of constant worry and apprehension revolving around what or what not to say.
Goldy was miserable; she had no soul mate with whom to share her life and Laibel was equally unhappy as he never emotionally connected with Goldy. I realized the situation was worsening so I suggested a trial separation.
After three months we met again. Surprisingly both of them admitted they felt calmer and more at ease not living under the same roof.
Finally it was agreed that a get was the best solution to their predicament. The only sticking point that they expressed was “We have a 17-year-old daughter entering shidduchim. What chance does she have coming from a broken home?”
I looked at them with empathy and love as I answered “And what chance does she have coming from a dysfunctional home?”
The get was given a month later.
Exactly two years later this daughter Leah became a kallah. I was honored to officiate at her chasunah.
As we danced the couple into the yichud room Leah asked me to close the door. She turned to me and said “Rabbi thank you. There is no way I could have ever reached this day if I had remained in that house living together with my father and mother. I love them both but the best advice anyone ever gave them in their 18 years of marriage was to stop trying to fix that which was permanently broken.
“Our house was not a home — I lived in constant fear of saying the wrong thing. The feeling of stress and anxiety was palpable. Once they divorced each of them felt liberated. They were able to express to me their unconditional love and I was able to do the same in return. There was no longer the dread of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
“After the get I was able to be me and that freedom allowed me to establish real and stable relationships with each of them in an emotionally healthy environment. If not for the get I would still be living under a cloud of strain and anxiety. It was the get that emancipated me from the psychological paralysis that panic precipitates.”
“Leah ” I answered “when you married you rebuilt one of the destroyed homes of Yerushalayim. Only this time there was a need to first dismantle a dysfunctional home. On top of those ruins you and your chassan are building a true bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.” (Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 683.)
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