Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Beyond the Comfort Zone

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz

E

ver notice how quickly we say “be careful” when our children try something new?

It’s at times like this that we face the hard truth: Often, the limits we set for our children stem not from real dangers but from our own unexplored anxieties. Sometimes, unintentionally, we create the ceiling that caps our children’s growth and our unexplored anxieties become our children’s invisible prisons.

While it may feel protective, when we experience feelings of discomfort or worry, they aren’t always a warning sign; sometimes, discomfort and anxiety are just the feelings of stretching beyond the familiar. For our children to thrive, we must distinguish between protecting them from harm and hindering them from growth.

The boundaries we set for our children can sometimes reveal more about our unresolved anxieties than our children’s capabilities.

Consider my friend’s nine-year-old who desperately wanted to walk alone to her friend’s house around the corner. Her mother’s initial response was an automatic no. But after identifying the fear as a personal anxiety rather than a true danger, she created a plan: First, they walked together, then she watched from the driveway, and finally, she let go. Today, that little girl beams with newfound independence and regularly visits friends within two blocks of her home.

When nurturing healthy risk-taking and independence in our children, remember these key principles:

• Distinguish between discomfort/anxiety and danger – There’s a crucial difference between a situation that makes you anxious and one that poses genuine risk. The key to resilient parenting is figuring out the difference. (I joke that I have “statistically based worry,” which means I frequently research risks before making an informed decision; always a helmet, freedom to bike in the neighborhood.)
• Model courage through your actions – Children watch how we approach new challenges. When they see us step beyond our comfort zones with optimism, they internalize that discomfort is simply part of growth and doing new things. When they see risks as healthy, they are more likely to take their own healthy risks and move out of their comfort zone.

Our children need to understand that discomfort and anxiety aren’t always a bad signal; they’re often simply the feeling of expanding possibility. Every time we let them do something new, take a little risk, embrace a little discomfort, push past some small anxieties, even if it makes us feel nervous, we teach our kids that discomfort is okay and pushing past anxieties is key to development.

And if you’re still unsure, keep in mind that the research confirms our instincts: Children whose parents allow appropriate risk-taking develop greater confidence, better judgment, and more resilience than their overly protected peers.

Shona Kaisman-Schwartz is an educational consultant. She is the author of How To Stop Caring What Others Think: For Real and the book Always On: An Interactive Parents’ Guide to the (Dis)Connected Generation.

Choice Paralysis

Shoshana Schwartz

WE

tend to think more choices mean more freedom. More opportunity. A better shot at getting it right.

But in real life, more choices often just mean more overwhelm.

You walk into the grocery store for yogurt, and 20 minutes later you’re still staring at 42 nearly identical containers, wondering if you should go Greek, low-fat, zero-fat, lactose-free, high-protein, oat-based… or just give up and buy nothing. That’s choice paralysis.

It happens in the kitchen when you’re deciding what to make for dinner; standing in front of your closet before an event; or when you finally have a free hour and can’t decide whether to read, nap, clean, or call someone.

In fact, this phenomenon is sometimes called jam paralysis, after a well-known study that showed shoppers were more likely to buy jam when offered six options than when offered 24.

Too many choices can stir up self-doubt, second-guessing, and decision fatigue. It doesn’t feel like freedom; it feels like pressure.

Choice paralysis doesn’t just waste time; it chips away at your confidence. One minute you’re pondering yogurt, the next you’re wondering if you should’ve bought the Sienna instead of the Odyssey.

One way to ease that pressure is to simplify. That might mean setting limits, like choosing three priority tasks at work and letting the rest wait. It might mean predeciding, like picking out your outfit the night before, keeping a default dinner rotation, or sticking to your usual yogurt, no matter how appealing the new mango-cherry-acai looks. Or it could mean having a set way you handle minor sibling squabbles, like separating the kids first and asking questions later, so you don’t have to rethink it each time.

Less choice doesn’t mean less control. It means less spinning your wheels, and more getting somewhere.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She is the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Right, Not Easy

Sara Eisemann

“I

t’s okay to be sad after making the right decision” (as heard on Meaningful Minute).

Everyone loves a good happily-ever-after. Something about a neat ending, wrapped in a bow, brings peace to our soul. We love when the good guy wins, and we are gratified when the protagonist perseveres, succeeds, and finds endless joy.

Unfortunately, life doesn’t always pan out that way. We sometimes make wrenching decisions that include leaving relationships, jobs, and homes that are not good for us. And it confuses us when something that is so right feels so hard. It’s important to realize it’s okay to feel a sense of loss even though we’ve chosen well. Just because it’s right, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach, and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 957)