When challenges loom, support groups can provide a lifeline

Have you ever had that comforting experience of your friend describing a funny quality of hers, or a silly pet peeve, and you immediately jump in with “me too!”? What once seemed like a quirk that made you seem strange suddenly becomes a point of connection,  relationship, and understanding.

You’ve met someone who can relate to you on a level no one else can. Because just like you, she always clicks her tongue when she’s bored, or she doesn’t know how to read lips, or she’s extraordinarily bothered by water on her hands. Maybe she cries when she sees a sunset, or she feels like she can never cry.

Finally, someone gets you.

That’s the comfort — multiplied many times over — that people feel when they join a support group.

Taking the Plunge

Miriam was married for six years when she met Minky Rechnitzer, CMFT. Miriam had always been an accomplished individual and a pillar of chesed among her friends; she wasn’t seeking any kind of support. Minky told her about the new support group she was launching for women with ADHD. The idea interested Miriam, as her sister had been diagnosed with the condition when she was a teenager.

“When Minky described some of the challenges facing adult women with ADHD, it sounded all too familiar. Something wasn’t sitting right with me, and I had to know more. The more I spoke with Minky, the more I realized I was struggling with the same feelings and issues she wanted to help women cope with. But I couldn’t have ADHD — I was nothing like my sister. Or could I?”

After a few individual therapy sessions and meeting with a neurologist, Miriam received her diagnosis. She read books, she practiced techniques, she even tried medication, but she felt alone in her journey. She wanted to talk openly to her friends about it, but it didn’t seem socially appropriate to bring it up casually. “And then it occurred to me — why not join Minky’s group?”

Well, she had a lot of reasons why not. She had no problem working on her ADHD individually, but to meet up with a bunch of strangers (who might actually be strange) and tell them about her struggles... she wasn’t sure if she was ready.

“My husband really encouraged me on this path. He knew that in general I like to share, to schmooze, and that this could be so beneficial for me. So I jumped in, and I swam. The group was amazing. A breath of fresh air. I met five other women like myself, and we all just ‘got’ each other. It was like finding out that I was normal for not being normal.

“Minky taught us skills and my new friends taught me how to appreciate myself for who I am while working toward improvement. Even though some of our challenges were really different, the environment was so accepting I felt like I really could express anything.”

You’re Not Alone

“Just as tefillah b’tzibbur is superior to individual prayer, so is eitzah b’tzibbur (group counseling) more effective than individual counseling.” This powerful line from Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski zt”l was said to encourage people to join Yad B’Yad, a Lakewood-based organization that offers free support groups for many challenging situations.

Gavriel joined Yad B’Yad while struggling in a difficult marriage. His personal therapist felt he could gain more from a group setting, but Gavriel was very hesitant. “Sharing one-on-one is one thing, but in front of an entire group?! The idea seemed almost crazy to me. But I decided to give it a chance because I thought, hey, maybe there is something to it.”

The group, which catered specifically to spouses of individuals with mental health issues, provided a unique form of support where the group members are really close, and even the therapist running the group shares his own personal challenges.

“Everyone shares — that’s just the dynamic of the group. And everyone gives feedback too. We go around, and one at a time, each person has a chance to open up about what has happened to them over the past month. We always start with the positive, move on to the difficulties, then do a summary. Hearing from others who are dealing with similar issues gives you more perspective on how to deal with things.”

“In a group setting, people are able to learn from each other in a way that’s much more valuable than what a therapist can provide,” says Dr. Tzachi Fried, clinical director at Machon Dvir in Jerusalem. Advice is truly meaningful when it comes from someone who can say, “Yeah, I’ve been there.”

In Gavriel’s words: “An individual therapist is supposed to give you direction that helps you reach your goals. With a group, the members do the same thing, but it’s more like it’s coming from a friend.”

When a person sees an individual therapist, they can still feel isolated in their pain. And no matter how much their therapist may try to validate and normalize, it can be hard to convince a client that their feelings aren’t strange or unusual. Being part of a group dispels feelings of isolation. It gives an outlet to discuss problems that aren’t “park-bench-appropriate” conversations. Support groups are full of a positive, encouraging energy. Most of all, they give the members the feeling that they’re not alone in their struggle.

Sarah was divorced for a year when she was introduced to the Israeli organization “Eim Habanim,” which provides a host of services like trips, activities for the kids, and financial assistance. She met a group of women like herself and they formed a WhatsApp group where they regularly give each other chizuk, and practical help, too. “If you need someone to watch your kids because you have an emergency to take care of, or if you’re going to be alone for Shabbos — your group members are there for you,” says Sarah.