Strategies for intentional living from experts who get it

Be True to You

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

“SO

I was dating this guy who came in from Lakewood to meet me. He picked me up and said that he was taking me to restaurant X. I didn’t know what to do because everyone in town knows that this restaurant is under a very shaky hashgachah that almost no one uses.”

It was my first meeting with Layli, who lived in a large out-of-town community, and she was sharing her most recent dating saga.

“I told him, ‘Oh, I realize it’s probably tricky when you don’t live here, but as a local I just want to mention that last I heard, restaurant X wasn’t under a good hashgachah.’

“He looked a little irritated and said, ‘I did my research, and it’s under the Vaad of ABC.’

“This was getting worse and worse. I told him the truth: The Vaad of ABC disbanded a year ago. ‘We can drive over there and check who they’re under now,’ I said as sweetly as I could, ‘but I’m pretty sure it’s not a trustworthy hashgachah. There are a few other nice places I can recommend.’

“He rolled his eyes, but grudgingly agreed, and we went to a different restaurant. Then, after the date, I hear back from the shadchan that he found me controlling!

“WHAT???” Layli’s voice sounded like it was crossing from rage to tears. “What should I have done? Eaten in a place with a very dubious hashgachah just to avoid ruffling his feathers?”

“Of course not,” I said. “You did everything right, and this guy showed you very quickly that he’s not for you. If halachah is important to you, you want to marry someone who’d be grateful for such a heads-up, not resentful. By showing you his true colors early on, it saved you a bunch of pointless dates.”

No one should have to kill off parts of themselves to get married. Recently, a mother told me, “You need to speak to my daughter. My husband is afraid she’ll share her real opinions, and the guy will run away.”

And I wondered: If he can’t appreciate her opinions and personality, then wouldn’t you want him to run away?

Obviously, there are ways and times to open up; it should be done carefully and gradually. However, you should never dumb yourself down on dates or squelch significant aspects of yourself.

You’ll only be able to keep up the show for so long. At some point, you’ll be your true self. And then what? Will your spouse get threatened? Will you end up feeling that you have to bury some core part of yourself — your intelligence, creativity, curiosity, or whatever it is — for the sake of shalom bayis?

There’s no person who will understand, love, and appreciate every aspect of you. Expecting that is unrealistic. However, the ideal spouse will be interested by the things you enjoy and respectful of the things you’re good at. They’ll be curious about who you are, want to learn more about you, and celebrate the things that make you unique.

The right person won’t need you to shrink; they’ll make space for you to grow.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

Appendicitis

Dr. Jennie Berkovich

T

ummy pain in kids is one of those complaints you can’t work a day in the pediatric office without seeing. It can be caused by anything from indigestion to a stomach bug to an infection to something less common but concerning. Often, the cause isn’t clear immediately, and as the illness progresses we gather more clues to make an accurate diagnosis. But what if we don’t have the time to let things unfold? Appendicitis is an important and time-sensitive diagnosis to rule out.

The early signs can be subtle. Kids often start with vague pain around the belly button, maybe a low-grade fever. Eventually, the pain usually moves to the lower right side and gets sharper and more intense. The pain may worsen and be accompanied by nausea, vomiting, poor appetite, and general weakness. If the organs and space around the appendix start to get irritated, it may be painful to walk, move, or cough.

Appendicitis needs imaging to diagnose. Typically, ultrasound of the area is done first. If the appendix is poorly visualized, sometimes an abdominal CT will be offered. Since CT carries radiation, it’s not used as the first line in kids. Abdominal exams and bloodwork are also important and can be helpful in tracking the progress of a suspected appendicitis.

Once diagnosed, treatment typically involves hospitalization. There are two main approaches:

Antibiotics only — in some very mild cases, IV antibiotics can treat appendicitis without surgery.

Surgery (appendectomy) — Most children will need surgery to remove the appendix. Today, this is often done laparoscopically (tiny incisions, faster healing). It’s the safest and most effective approach, especially if the appendix is inflamed or at risk of bursting.

When appendicitis goes unrecognized, the appendix can burst, leading to the infection spreading throughout the abdomen. This can be very serious. So while not every tummy ache is appendicitis, it’s something we always keep on our radar.

Dr. Jennie Berkovich is a board-certified pediatrician in Chicago and serves as the Director of Education for the Jewish Orthodox Women's Medical Association (JOWMA)

The Secret to Stress-Free Big Expenses

Rivky Rothenberg and Tsippi Gross

E

ver feel shocked when Yom Tov rolls around and suddenly you ask… why don’t I have enough to cover it?

It’s not that we didn’t know Yom Tov was coming. It’s just that annual expenses — like camp, sheitels, insurance — don’t fit neatly into a monthly budget. So we don’t plan for them. And then it feels like a crisis.

Here’s a simple fix: Treat annual expenses like monthly ones. Estimate the yearly cost, divide it by 12, and “pay yourself” that amount each month into a separate account.

Even better? Put it in a high-yield savings account and let it grow quietly in the background. When the time comes, you’ll be calm and ready instead of scrambling to make it work.

It’s not magic — it’s just planning ahead.

Tsippi Gross is a business consultant and Rivky Rothenberg is a CPA. Together they started Ashir, a nonprofit that provides financial training for communities and families.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 961)