The belief that perfection, or even something approaching it, is possible in parenting promotes a tendency to blame

Be a Good Enough Parent  

Abby Delouya

B.A., B.Ed., RMFT-CCC

The kids are finally out the door and you’re full of regret. “I yelled at Baruch because he couldn’t find his shoes. I got annoyed with Shaindy because she forgot she needed 25 mezonos treats for the class party. They’re just little kids… I feel terrible.”

You walk around agitated throughout the day, and perhaps later you even over-compensate for your feelings of guilt in the morning with treats or a permissive attitude (which later backfires when your kids are out of control and you get mad… again).

Striving for perfection as a parent isn’t good. The belief that perfection, or even something approaching it, is possible in parenting promotes a tendency to blame. Parents seeking perfection blame themselves, or their spouse, or their children when things aren’t just right. Blame can have serious emotional consequences, such as low self-esteem in children, a negative atmosphere at home, and the feeling that nothing is ever good enough — a belief that generates feelings of shame and worthlessness.

Psychologists recommend that we try to be a “good enough parent.” Good enough parents strive to do their very best, yet recognize that not everything follows their ideal script, and that challenges arise frequently. They understand that only Hashem is the Perfect Parent — so they can let go and give it over to Him. Good enough parents:

Respect their children and try to understand their unique makeup, striving to give each child what they personally need.

Focus on the childhood experience, giving their children the necessary tools in order to make  independent decisions later in life. They empower and strengthen their children, without taking ownership of their children’s problems or future plans.

Raise children who feel secure in their relationship with them, who feel supported rather than controlled, who feel trusted and therefore trustworthy.

Provide a good enough environment in which to play, explore, and learn — including plenty of opportunities to make friends and interact with others beyond the family. This enables them to chart their own satisfying futures.

Provide the help that their children need and want, but not more than they need or want. They allow their children to make mistakes and to fail, because they know that mistakes and failures are inevitable components of learning.

Use the tools of conscious reflection, maturity, and empathy.

Demonstrate this loving, empathetic way of parenting, not 100 percent  of the time, but at least 60 percent  of the time. (Obviously, if parents are abusive or neglectful the other 40 percent  of the time, these insights don’t apply.)

Good enough parents accept their humanness and forgive themselves for the times they  — or their children — aren’t  perfect. When we minimize our guilt and crushing sense of responsibility, we can approach parenting in a more relaxed, forgiving way. Parents who feel confident about their parenting will be  calmer and more patient. When we understand that our children’s actions are primarily motivated by trying to find their own place in the world, and not to please or hurt us, we can attain an appropriate level of detachment. We don’t take all the credit, nor all the blame, for our children’s actions — we just concentrate on understanding, helping, and supporting our children on their journeys.

Abby Delouya is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice with a specialty in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY, and maintains her practice in Canada.

The Full Picture

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker

Hashem is the true Judge, we’re often told. “Mishpitei Hashem emes, tzadku yachdav.” The Ohr Hachayim on this pasuk explains that a human judge can only take into account what’s in front of him. He can’t factor in all the ramifications of his judgment. For example, a social worker may argue that sending a man to jail will seriously harm his family, but the judge doesn’t factor that in.

Hashem, on the other hand, sees how anything that befalls one person will impact all the people in his orbit, and He takes all that into account when passing judgment.

Women, by nature, see the world from a bird’s-eye perspective. Unlike men, who tend to hone in a particular viewpoint, women can consider and contain several viewpoints at once. This gives us an opportunity to emulate Hashem in a unique way. Before “passing judgment” or making a decision, stop and think: How will this affect my husband? My children? The other people in my life?

Let’s aim for “tzadkah yachdav,” making choices that consider the full picture.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives womens’ vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.

Move to Enjoy 

Shira Savit MA,

MHC, INHC

When it comes to exercise, quality overrides quantity. It’s not about the calories burned, the duration endured, the miles per hour, or the sweat produced. It’s about the experience: the jogging that makes you feel energized and vitalized, the yoga that’s calming, the stretching that makes you feel good in your skin, the dancing that brings you lightness and joy. Make exercise pleasurable and you’ll reap the benefits.

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 784)