Scenarios newly thawed bochurim might want to avoid

The Freezer has opened and, as the chilled bochurim begin to thaw, there are a lot of surprises waiting for them. We asked for your input on scenarios they might want to avoid, and you came through. Now let’s get some shidduchim going!

This Time Will Be Different

Be careful with the humor. Never assume that the girl knows Journeys the way you do, and be extra cautious when you’re up against a female Sherlock Holmes. At all costs, avoid a scenario like this:

You: “So, does the sefer on the dashboard look real fine?”

Girl: “Huh?”

You: “I’m saying, the song, you know?”

Girl: “No, what song?”

You: Oh, whatever. Basically, a Journeys song where he says ‘a sefer on the dashboard that will look real fine.’ So I was just shtelling tzu.”

Girl: “Aha, I get it. Just curious, though, I see you got it from Judaica Plaza, and it still has a price tag on it. But you’re not from Lakewood, right? Did you just buy it?”

You: Turning crimson. “Uh, yes.”

Girl: “Ah, so you bought it just to say that joke?

You: Turning a deeper shade of scarlet and remaining silent. Time passes and there’s no talking. Finally…

Girl: “All right, all right. Sorry for being nasty. After all, didn’t the shadchan warn you that this time it would be different….”

Crossed Signals

The Mossad versus Iranian intelligence has got nothing on the level of sophistication of underground shidduch operatives.

“Psst,” comes a whisper from behind the bushes, “do you know Chaim Cohen? From New York, recently moved to Boca?”

“Sure,” you whisper back, while surreptitiously flicking on the auto-transmitter which leads directly to Chaim Cohen’s dirah. You wait to hear the secret code messaging in your hidden earpiece. Chaim wants to know what the father does for a living.

“What does her father do for a living?”

“Nursing home administrator.” You wait for the message to come. It takes a minute to decode. How many beds, he wants to know. And by any chance, does he own an equity share in the nursing home as well?

Suddenly you hear some crackling in your earpiece. “Huh?! What’s going on?!” Your heart sinks and you realize you’ve been duped. You accidentally typed Chaim Kohn with a “K” into your auto-transmitter, allowing Chaim Kohn, who learns in the Mir, to eavesdrop on your conversation.

And sure enough, a few weeks later, you learn that Chaim Kohn is engaged to the daughter of a nursing home administrator, whose nursing home includes an undisclosed number of beds.

Gentleman in a Jalopy

All right. Get the car thing taken care of waayyy in advance. Never assume that borrowing is a given, and expect the worst from the car rental. Assuming that both fall through, there’s only one option. Mom’s 2002 12-seater.

It’s not the seats that are the problem so much, it’s what’s on them — mounds of pretzel crumbs dotted with cheerios, veggie straws and Tam Tams. You do a full-blown Pesach cleaning that doesn’t leave you even a moment to check out hotel lounges.

Finally, the time comes and you find yourself racing over to the given address, the van smelling like Lysol laced with just a tinge of pretzel crumb. If the girl is horrified, she hides it well. Until she opens the passenger door. There’s something on the seat apparently, and you squint in the dark to make it out. Apple core. How did you miss that?

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 949)