You asked for an invention to solve the colored-candle problem. You forget the obvious. Monochromatic boxes. You’re welcome

Last week, we suggested a few novel concepts to transform your Chanukah experience. As we wait for the US Patent Office to get back to us, we’re shepping nachas from your ideas, which far outshine our own. If we could, we’d give you a free Frumba as a reward for your creativity!

Latke Look-Alikes

What’s a Chanukah party without the ubiquitous platter of steaming latkes? Who can resist such a delicacy? Definitely not I… on the first night, the second, and even the third and fourth. But by the time Zos Chanukah comes around, the idea of latkes makes my stomach turn.

But the parties! How can we host those parties without latkes? It’s practically sacrilege! That’s where this great invention comes in… fake latke platters! Complete with rising steam and delicious smell! (Only to be used on the last few days of Chanukah or you might just have a guest try and bite in….)

Party Pooper

Oh, the great Chanukah party scheduling crisis… you know the one where you invited your sister from Baltimore the same day your husband’s bubby is hosting her big bash? Well, no more. With this great invention, your scheduling problems are a thing of the past. Just sync all relatives’ phones and it will pick up anything jotted down in calendars, notes, or even messages, and emit a warning if you forgot something important. So just as you’re texting Cousin Suri that you’re happy to bring a milchig salad on night number 3, your phone vibrates with a loud beep and a message flashes:

URGENT.

3RD NIGHT = MOTHER-IN-LAW.

We haven’t yet figured out how to get you out of that party… but we’ll keep you posted.

Simple as That

You asked for an invention to solve the colored-candle problem. You forget the obvious. Monochromatic boxes. You’re welcome.

Cold Cash

Has your company ever hosted a super-deluxe corporate Chanukah party and you’re thinking, Hey, spare me the bruschetta de carne sourdough crostini. I’d rather take a raise in my paycheck. Now, of course you can’t say that — but what if we say it for you! Here’s a brand-new invention: Corporate Chanukah party vouchers, sponsored by Ballot Box. Just cut it out from this page and surreptitiously place it on your boss’s desk.

Dear Boss,

I’m all into rice capon with creamy Yukon mash and gourmet vegetable stacks, but I had it at last year’s party and I was still hungry afterward. Plus, I have a mortgage to pay off. So I hereby wish to redeem my portion in this year’s Chanukah party and take its cash value instead.

All the best,

Your employee (I hope so, at least.)

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 941)