Miri had no choice but to grow up quickly. “At age 28, instead of being busy making cakes for my first grader’s siyum, I was occupied with shidduch inquiries and negative responses, and with comforting and supporting my sister, as well as managing financial negotiations,” she says.

Hindy also raised her younger sister and brother from a young age. “Rechie and Hershie came to me when they were 16 and 14,” says Hindy. At the time, she was a 28-year-old mother of four — her oldest was eight, her youngest a toddler.

“The story behind their coming to my house is a painful one — my parents aren’t functioning and are out of the picture for various reasons,” says Hindy, who’s now 35. “In addition to the emotional challenges, we had a substantial financial burden on top of it. Social services were involved, so we got a tiny stipend, but it barely covered expenses.” Despite the challenges, she escorted both of her siblings to the chuppah and helped them build happy, stable homes.

Tzipporah’s story is a little different. Even though her younger sister, Orah, never officially lived with the family, Tzipporah was the one who married her off. The two sisters’ elderly parents are thankfully well, but are religiously very far from the world of their daughters. Tzipporah became committed to Yiddishkeit as a teen and is now a kollel wife, mother of four young children, and a teacher in a small high school; Orah eventually established a kollel home as well. Since the sisters and their parents don’t always see eye-to-eye hashkafically, Tzipporah ended up being the one to marry Orah off, from the first stages of the shidduch process to the wedding day, including all the hurdles in between.

Making a Match

Even parents with many years of experience in shidduchim only get through the parshah by clinging to emunah. The same was true for these “mothers” of siblings. “For me, the whole situation was a reminder that Hashem is with us every second,” reflects Hindy, who had not one, but two siblings to marry off. “It’s impossible to get through this period any other way.”

Hindy’s sister was the first to enter shidduchim. “Because of our family background, Rechie got crazy suggestions. I’d start to make inquiries, hear details, and burst out crying. This is the bochur who they’re suggesting for Rechie, my wonderful sister, the most incredible girl I know? I think that because of my age, I didn’t have the tools to deal with the lack of justice.”

She remembers one shidduch suggestion in particular. “I got a lot of pressure about a boy who, in my opinion, wasn’t suited for Rechie. Everyone told me, ‘Rechie needs to compromise, and this compromise isn’t so terrible.’ But after Rechie met him, I saw the despair on her face. She was afraid of saying ‘no’ even though she didn’t like him at all, because who knows what else she could get. I told the shadchan’te very clearly, without worrying about the future, ‘No, thank you — he’s not for us.’

“I won’t say that I wasn’t afraid that I was ruining my sister’s future. But I knew my job was to fight for her. It wasn’t her fault that her parents aren’t in the picture! In the end, you see how Hashem is calling the shots. Two months after we said ‘no’ to that boy, Rechie got engaged to a wonderful bochur, who today is her devoted husband.”

Miri was trying to finalize her sister’s shidduch while in the middle of her third trimester — Tivka’s vort took place a few short weeks before Miri gave birth. “Whenever I had no more strength, I’d remind myself, ‘whoever raises an orphan in their home, it’s as if he gave birth to him.’

“Still, sometimes, I’d say to myself, ‘That’s it. I can’t anymore.’ But moments like that passed, and we overcame the crises. I felt Hashem supporting me along the way.”

The Pre-Wedding Whirlwind

It took siyata d’Shmaya for these young mothers to find a match for their siblings — and then more siyata d’Shmaya to get them to the chuppah.

Whenever Miri went shopping with the kallah, there was a prayer on her lips: “‘Mommy,’ I’d say to my mother in my heart, ‘I’m going shopping instead of you, please daven that we’ll be successful…’ Baruch Hashem, we had unbelievable siyata d’Shmaya. For example, we found an apartment immediately. When we left the first apartment we looked at, my sister said to me, ‘It’s as if they built that apartment for me.’”

Still, Miri was out of the house a lot and worried about the impact it was having on her young children. “During the weeks when we were shopping night after night, I once met a lovely neighbor who asked me how I was managing,” remembers Miri. “I told her that everything’s fine, but the children and baby aren’t seeing much of me. She said something that gave me a lot of chizuk: ‘Your kids won’t lose out from it! They’ll only benefit from the chesed their mother is doing.’ Her words gave me strength, and every time I left the baby, I said to myself, ‘He won’t lose out, he’ll only gain.’ And I left feeling much calmer.”

There were also acts of chesed that made the process smoother. “The day before the wedding, I went to the sheitelmacher for some finishing touches on my wig,” remembers Miri. “The lines are always long and I thought to myself, Here’s another day when I won’t be home when the kids walk in the house.

“I got there and there were lots of women ahead of me, as usual, and suddenly the sheitelmacher announced, ‘Everyone out of the way! It’s Miri’s turn now.’ She said to me, ‘Come, sit down. It’s not easy to make a wedding at your age, and the kids are waiting for you at home. You don’t have any older kids to take care of them instead of you, like most mothers who are marrying off kids.’ Fifteen minutes later, I was outside. I quickly flagged down a cab and managed to arrive home at the same time as the children.”

For Tzipporah, the preparations for her sister Orah’s wedding were a balm for her soul because of the contrast to her own chasunah — she married herself off without any backing from her parents, neither financial nor emotional.

“By Orah, everything was different,” she says. “I decided that I’d serve as her mother, and I really did feel like I married off a daughter. I bore the burden and responsibility of all the wedding preparations. We developed an incredible relationship during that period. My younger sister turned into my friend, despite us being ten years apart. It was good for me to be there for her, to give her all I hadn’t had. It was a wonderful, happy time.”

There were, of course, challenges along the way. “Moneywise, we had an abnormal financial burden. We couldn’t ask my parents for money to buy the things you need to set up a home. My parents are used to a reality in which a couple makes their own wedding,” Tzipporah explains. “My husband and I were a young couple with a mortgage to pay, but we committed to buying my sister everything, including a wig, clothing, linen, and basic furniture.

“It doesn’t make any sense, but somehow everything fit into the regular budget. I’m not a ‘sale’ type, and suddenly we found unbelievable bargains. We got through the wedding without going into debt. How did it happen? I can’t explain it. I wrote down all the expenses in a notebook, and it was as if I submitted it to someone who was paying me back. I felt that Hashem was accompanying us with every purchase.”

Hindy’s husband also agreed to shoulder the financial burden of his sister-in-law Rechie’s wedding. “But he was very stressed during that time,” Hindy admits. It was also difficult for her, schlepping from wedding halls to shopping malls to gowns fittings. “My kids went from one babysitter to another.”

Hindy remembers one especially taxing day. “We went to another city to shop for robes, tichels, and linen. It was hot, there was a lot of traffic, and I was exhausted from a day of shopping. All I wanted was to put my head down on my pillow in my air-conditioned room. The whole way home, I planned out what I had to get done before I could go to sleep. But there was roadwork being done the main road, and I realized that yet again, I’d go to sleep in the wee hours of the morning again. I was so tired and frustrated.

“I davened to Hashem, telling Him that I’m expending all the effort for my sister who doesn’t have anyone to marry her off other than me. In that zechus, I’m asking that I have a baby girl, because at that time I had only boys. I remember that moment so clearly, how I had a deep feeling that my prayer was answered.

“A number of months went by, and I had a baby… boy. I’m not comfortable saying this, but I felt bad. I devote my life to two living orphans, and this is my reward?

“I went around with mixed feelings for a long time, until I spoke with a wise woman, and she enlightened me. She helped me understand that we’re not in charge here. Everyone has a Divine plan prepared for their good. The child who was born is the best one for me, even if I don’t understand it. With time, I made peace with it. A number of years have passed since then, and I can tell you that this boy is a particularly special child,” says Hindy. “He truly is a gift from Heaven.”

At her lowest moments, Miri would see Hashem’s guiding Hand. Her eyes fill with tears as she remembers one such incident, which occurred around a month before Tivka’s wedding. “It was important to my husband and me to marry my sister off respectably — she went through so much and we wanted to cushion the way for her financially. For that, we obviously needed a lot of money. The burden on my husband’s shoulders was tremendous, and he tried to raise money from whomever he could.

“One time, he asked me to speak to a woman who was a well-known philanthropist. The phone call was scheduled for four. I planned on having the conversation while preparing supper for my children — something I was unable to do during that period because of all the running around. That morning, each child had told me what he wanted, and I promised them that today they’d have a very delicious and special supper.

“When I phoned the wealthy woman on my cell, I remembered I didn’t have reception in the kitchen. I waved goodbye to the peeler and potatoes and went to the edge of the living room, where there’s better reception. I stood there talking for an entire hour. When I hung up, I glanced at my watch — it was 5 p.m. Today, yet again, there wouldn’t be a special supper for my children.

“It sounds like something trivial, so the kids won’t have something special… but for me, it was a difficult experience. Why is it their fault that their mother’s busy marrying off her sister? Maybe I shouldn’t have had the conversation at their expense? I burst out crying, frustrated from the entire situation. I davened to Hashem and said, ‘I want to be a good mother to my little ones, and I want to marry off my orphan sister respectably without anyone losing out. Please help me.’

“Suddenly, I heard knocking. On the other side of the door was a delicious aroma and bags of food with a large note attached: ‘Dear Miri. Two months have passed since you gave birth, and I only got around to making you a meal now. Better late than never. Mazel tov!’ My sweet friend sent us supper in honor of the birth of my two-month-old daughter. Inside the bags were my kids’ favorite foods. That meal,” says Miri, “was a loving statement from Hashem: ‘My daughter, I’m with you all the way.’”

A Mitzvah Done Right

Thankfully, these situations are unusual. But if Hashem hands you the task of marrying off a sibling — or any other motherless girl — aim to do it the best way possible:

-Don’t forget that Hashem is the One taking care of the kallah’s needs. Hashem made you a partner in the mitzvah, not the sole activist. Turn to Him with any problems that arise, and He’ll help. And don’t slip into thinking that if the kallah were living in her original house or if her mother were marrying her off, things would be much better. Hashem created this reality, and He’s supporting you and her.

-Be careful with the kallah’s dignity. When you want to ask for a discount, never do so in front of the kallah. It’s mortifying for her. You can call before you go, make arrangements in advance, or arrange for the kallah to walk out of the store/business, and then ask. Better to pay full price than to embarrass an orphan or needy kallah. Remember, too, that the money the kallah needs is being channeled through you, and it will come! Try to give her whatever you can.

-Make sure your own children don’t pay too high a price because their mother is doing chesed. “Get yourself as much help as you can — the help is part of the expenses,” says Devora Rosengarten, a life coach and parenting teacher. You don’t always have to pay for help: See if your local hachnasas kallah organization will provide babysitting or meals. If possible, “Try to include your kids in what’s going on,” suggests Mrs. Rosengarten. “‘Today we’ll go find shoes for Rivky.’ ‘Today we’re going to buy the young couple towels.’ Including them leads to cooperation. The children will be excited to be part of things.”

-When you face challenges, remind yourself that ‘this too will pass.’ Strengthen yourself that, im yirtzeh Hashem, the day will come when He’ll pay you back for everything, with interest. “Don’t forget what you’re gaining,” says Mrs. Rosengarten. “And I’m not talking about the heavenly reward that you’ll get; I’m referring to the experience that you’re acquiring. This merit will stand by you in the form of life experience that will help you when you marry off your own children. Do this noble mitzvah with joy, and you upgrade the chesed.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 578)