A carousel of meals, family time, Chol Hamoed excitement, differently paced schedules, late bedtimes, and traveling

A Plan for Chol Hamoed

Abby Delouya

Succos brings a new rhythm — a carousel of meals, family time, Chol Hamoed excitement, differently paced schedules, late bedtimes, and traveling. It would be beautiful if everyone had an easy and seamless time during these days, but I’d guess that most people may encounter some of these challenges.

1. Family you don’t always see eye to eye with:

I’m not talking about major family conflict or rifts here. There may be some people in the extended family with whom on any given Sunday BBQ or family simchah, the connection is casual and easy. Yet when in the same close sleeping and eating quarters for three days, there is tension and unpleasantness. How do we manage to keep a friendly relationship and enjoy the Yom Tov together when the chemistry just isn’t there?

1. Prepare before. Practice thinking good things about the person. Try to go into it with a positive attitude. Try to find out what the sleeping arrangements will be so you can be prepared or make changes.
2. Be intentional with both time spent together and apart. Just because the whole family is under one roof doesn’t mean you have to spend endless hours schmoozing and hanging out together.
3. Think about and accept your part in the sticky dynamics. What character defects or personality quirks do you have that might be challenging to this person? Rarely is a difficult dynamic one-sided.

2. Different time with your spouse

We all have expectations and ideas of how Yom Tov might play out. As Brené Brown says, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Share your vision for what Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed might look like clearly, and ask your spouse what he expects as well. Have prior discussions about childcare sharing, bedtimes for kids, Chol Hamoed budget and experiences, adult rest time, and learning time. Make space for your relationship even if it’s just a 20-minute walk after the meal every day. Try to make intentional time with your children as a separate family unit.

3. Time with others, in different homes, and on different schedules

Things can be generally beautiful and still feel challenging. You may have a different style of cleanliness, organization, time management, parenting, or relationships from your family that you’re around. Remember, your way works for you, but wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Steer away from judgment and critical thinking. This applies to ourselves as well. Be gentle with yourself. Plan two or three things that will support your well-being — maybe it’s a new novel or a walk with a friend. Be mindful of sleeping, drinking, eating, and exercising over these incredibly blessed days so that we emerge with our spiritual, emotional, and physical tanks full.

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

How to Undo Undue Influence

Shoshana Schwartz

E

motional manipulation means influencing someone’s feelings to elicit a particular response or action.

Five-year-old Sarah desperately wants her mom to buy her ice cream. She might start with a straightforward request, but if she senses her plea will likely be denied (either from past experiences or intuition), she might switch tactics, such as:

Whining: “But Mommy, I reeeaaaally waaaant iiiiiice creeeeeaaaam....”

Flattery: “You’re the best mommy!”

Bribery: “If you buy me ice cream now, I’ll eat all my broccoli later.”

Guilt: “You got Yitzi ice cream yesterday.”

Although Sarah’s tactics are transparent, they’re all forms of emotional manipulation. Children instinctively use emotional manipulation, without having malicious intent or conscious understanding of what they’re doing.

It’s not just children who engage in emotional manipulation — adults do it, too, usually without realizing it. Imagine Avigail wants her husband, Chaim, to agree to spend Shabbos at her parents’ house. If she anticipates that Chaim will resist, she might resort to similar tactics:

Whining: “But you always say no!”

Flattery: “You’re the best husband!”

Bribery: “If we go to my parents this week, I’ll happily go to yours next week.”

Guilt: “You never want me to spend time with my family.”

If Avigail frequently resorts to these tactics, Chaim might start feeling manipulated or resentful. Over time, this could lead to a breakdown in communication and trust. Chaim might start avoiding discussions about plans altogether, feeling that his opinions don’t truly matter; he might adopt her manipulative style, trying to stay ahead of the game; or he might develop a quick-trigger “no” response to any request she makes, no matter how reasonable.

On the other hand, Avigail might become frustrated, feeling she needs to manipulate to get what she wants because direct communication doesn’t seem to work. This creates a vicious cycle where both partners feel misunderstood and disconnected.

To break this cycle, Avigail could choose a different approach. Instead of using manipulation, she could express her desires honestly: “Chaim, it’s important to me that we spend time with my family this Shabbos. Can we talk about how we can make that work for both of us?” This approach respects both her needs and Chaim’s autonomy, paving the way for a more collaborative discussion.

When we catch ourselves trying to steer a situation in a particular direction, it’s helpful to pause and reflect:

What am I trying to achieve?

How am I going about it?

Why this specific approach?

Am I attempting to evoke certain emotions in the other person? Which?

Becoming more self-aware and honest with ourselves is a continuous journey. It’s nearly impossible to avoid all forms of emotional manipulation entirely. But we have countless opportunities to recognize these behaviors, understand them, and strive to improve our interactions.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in compulsive eating, codependency, and addictive behaviors. She is the founder of SlimHappyMama.

Healing Laughter

Sara Eisemann

“Laughter is like a windshield wiper. It doesn’t stop the rain, but it allows us to keep going.”

—Anonymous

The collective pain of Klal Yisrael this year has felt crushing at times, serving as a constant backdrop against whatever personal challenges were experienced as well by individuals. Many have expressed confusion about whether it is okay to avert their thoughts or to engage in distraction by laughing, by living, and by enjoying life.

Rest assured, the rain continues to beat down, at least for the time being. Sometimes we need to rest, and clear the rain, so we can see again and keep going.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 915)