How can the eishes chayil encourage her husband to accomplish in a respectful way that is both realistic and strengthens their shalom bayis?

נוֹדָע בַּשְּׁעָרִים בַּעְלָהּ

בְּשִׁבְתּוֹ עִם זִקְנֵי אָרֶץ

Her husband is known at the gates,

where he sits with the elders of the land

A Matter of Focus

Mrs. Shira Hochheimer

When many of us were young, we thought we could nag our husbands into becoming talmidei chachamim. (This attitude isn’t limited to encouraging Torah learning. Women often want their spouses to be better fathers, husbands, and employees.) After all, the pasuk clearly associates a husband’s accomplishments with his wife.

But this attitude usually ends with the husband feeling disrespected and the wife burned out. Focusing on where we think someone needs to improve often backfires. Whatever trait or habit we judge, what we most want them to change will often grow, as that is where our focus lies — what you mention, you strengthen.

There are several explanations for why the eishes chayil deserves credit. She ensures that her husband’s clothing commands respect (Rashi). She gives her husband the time to devote himself to learning (Malbim). Finally, other talmidei chachamim recognize that the husband’s wisdom reflects her own chochmah. (Rid)

How can the eishes chayil encourage her husband to accomplish in a respectful way that is both realistic and strengthens their shalom bayis?

The ability for chochmah to grow, whether in oneself or in another person, is linked to the middah of anavah (Rebbetzin Neustadt, Mipninim Michrah, quoting the Gra). Anavah allows us to listen to others so we can learn from them. It allows us to see another person for who they truly are and who they can become, without that perspective being clouded by our ego and judgment.

The opposite of anavah is avon, sin, as a person without anavah will look at others and see sin and fault (Shem MiShmuel, Chanukah).

The choice we make here is dependent on what kind of ayin, eye, we have. With an ayin tovah, we see the good in others, and that goodness grows. When we have an ayin ra’ah, a bad eye, we see avon, sin, and fault, and that, too, will grow.

To enable her husband to grow in chochmah, a woman must approach the relationship with anavah. When she views herself as the judge of the world and tries to fix her husband, it will invariably leave everyone with a poor taste in their mouth. With anavah, a woman views herself as a partner who appreciates her husband’s unique greatness as it exists right now. She will want him to maximize his opportunities by learning with talmidei chachamim, not to make her look better or to earn her a better Olam Haba, but for him.

She can lovingly and selflessly advise him and gives him the space and encouragement to develop his gifts. So that others see him in the same positive light she does, she can ensure that his outward appearance reflects the respect she has for him.

When we set aside judgment and look for the positive attributes in our spouse, and recognize that perhaps we don’t know it all, our husbands, knowing they have a supportive wife in their corner, can then grow into his best self.

Question: Are there any areas where we can shift a judgmental eye from our husband’s actions and be more kind and accepting?

Mrs. Shira Hochheimer is the author of Eishes Chayil: Ancient Wisdom for Women of Today, a presenter for Torat Imecha Nach Yomi, and an administrator for WITS in Baltimore, MD.

With Resolve

Rebbetzin Shira Smiles

T

he Midrash links this verse to Michal, daughter of Shaul Hamelech, who married Dovid Melech Yisrael. Here Michal is credited for enabling her husband’s greatness and nobility. What was her strength and what can we learn from her?

Many chapters of Sefer Shmuel are dedicated to describing how Shaul Hamelech pursued Dovid, attempting to kill him. At one point, Shaul Hamelech sent guards to surround Dovid’s home, hoping to accost and execute him. When Michal became aware of the imminent danger facing her husband, she sprang into action. She lowered him by a rope through a window so he could escape, then stuffed the bed to make it seem that he was lying there sick.

The commentators explain that Michal was trying to buy time to allow Dovid to flee without being chased. In saving Dovid’s life, she essentially saved the entire future dynasty of Malchus Beis Dovid. Her husband became “known in the gates.”

Michal models the woman who takes initiative and does so with decisiveness. She acted with remarkable intrepidity, particularly since it meant betraying her own father. Encouraging him to flee also meant that she was prepared to be alone for a potentially lengthy period of time. Michal understood that Dovid was meant to be the next king, and she was willing to support him against all odds.

There is an additional episode in which the navi describes Michal looking out her window, observing Dovid Hamelech dancing exuberantly in front of the Aron as it was being brought to Yerushalayim, after being in captivity for many years. Michal criticizes her husband’s behavior, feeling that he was acting in a manner disrespectful of his elevated position.

Linking the window imagery in both instances can underscore Michal’s attempt once again to save her husband. Although Dovid Hamelech is quick to chastise her and explain that his behavior specifically will bring honor to Hashem, Michal was expressing her loyalty; in the first incident she saves his life; in the second, she seeks to preserve and defend his prestige and reputation.

Michal exemplifies the eishes chayil, who desires to be a source of strength for her husband, even when it may come with personal sacrifice. With her long-range vision, she sees her husband “sitting among the elders of the land,” and acts with faith and devotion, enabling her husband to thrive.

Rebbetzin Shira Smiles is a lecturer in the Yerushalayim area, and a mechaneches in Darchei Binah Seminary. She is the author of Torah Tapestries, which includes extensive essays on each parshah, and Arise and Aspire, on birchos hashachar.

By Association

Rebbetzin Debbie Greenblatt

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hen we meet another Jewish person from anywhere in the world, we try to figure out who we know in common. Beyond a way of weaving strands of connection to this new acquaintance, it’s a means of understanding, by association, who the person in front of us is. When I hear that your closest friend is the rav’s wife, I make a positive assumption about you and your values.

In this pasuk, the eishes chayil’s husband sits at the gate, which is where the Sanhedrin or the elders meet. The Alshich, as well as others, comment that this pasuk is telling us that her husband is well-known and respected by the elders because of his wife. She isn’t lauded for being married to an important person, rather, he is important because of his connection to her. She made possible his devotion to his studies, she supported him and his household, and therefore he was able to achieve a notable level of wisdom.

Eishes Chayil is a tribute to the Jewish woman. What we see here is a partnership, where her strength and nobility of character extend her influence beyond the walls of her home. While it’s her husband who sits with the elders and is respected by them, those he sits with know he wouldn’t have attained this position without her.

Malbim notes that as the perek progresses, we see that her wisdom and character ultimately have an effect on the important discussions had by the leaders of the community. The Abarbanel notes that the woman’s influence extends and affects the righteousness of the public and impacts the social order.

Over the many years I have interacted with secular Jewish women, the role of the Jewish woman has often been a topic of contention for them, a barrier to entry into a more Torah-based lifestyle. This pasuk stresses the partnership that is necessary to create an elevated society. In the end, when each person fulfills their role, what is created are homes that produce morally upright individuals, and a society that is the envy of the world. Only then can we achieve our mission of being a light onto the nations.

Rebbetzin Debbie Greenblatt is a senior lecturer for the Gateways organization and a teacher of both the observant and the not-yet-observant. She is also director of education at Core.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 976)