“She’s a perfectionist type. She can’t forgo her sense of style for the sake of shalom bayis”

Last Week:

Rena comes over. “You left Tatty’s necklace at home? Wow, but that’s stunning, Ma.”

Simpson necklace it is. I take another quick peek into one of the mirrors lining the wall. Not bad for a 33-year-old.

But when I join the photo and Ari says, “What’s that?” in a flat voice, I wonder if it was worth it.

And all I could think was… What should I have done differently?

Ahuva

Jerusalem

Sarala definitely could have handled the situation better. Actively deceiving someone, especially your spouse, isn’t the right thing to do. However, she was sort of perpetuating the cycle that Ari began when he made the choice to buy jewelry behind her back. He knew she didn’t like him to do that, but he pretended that it was no biggie. He should have known that to Sarala, her eldest’s bar mitzvah was a big deal. He should have known that only having painstakingly reviewed every small detail of the simchah she could proclaim it perfect.

Still, instead of purchasing her replacement piece, and instead of purposefully “forgetting” the necklace, Sarala should have been honest with her husband and told him what she thought of the piece he bought her. She’s a perfectionist type. She can’t forgo her sense of style for the sake of shalom bayis. She has to be honest with Ari. With a bit of tact, it’s possible to do so without shattering his pride. Showing appreciation, happily and generously complimenting the gift and his thoughtfulness, while suggesting to go together to look at more options, could actually bring the couple closer. It will give Ari the awareness that consulting with his wife is truly valuable, while it will show Sarala that she doesn’t need to hide behind dishonesty. A tasteless necklace can be a source of greater sensitivity for a couple, or it can create the divide of deception that it did for Sarala and Ari.

Brocha M.

New York

I think Sarala’s main issue is her timing. It’s no secret that she and Ari have different tastes in jewelry, and they seem to have discussed it in the past. Why, when it came to the bar mitzvah, did Sarala feel that she had to swallow her opinion and then sneak the purchase of a second necklace?

It’s understandable that a simchah can be a time of intense emotion. Perhaps it would have been better if Sarala talked to Ari before the event, something like, “Thank you so much for the gift. You know that my taste is very particular, would it be okay if we went back to the store together to pick something out?” Ari was likely more hurt by the deception than the fact that she didn’t like the necklace itself.

Shoshana Esrig

Jerusalem

Wow, this could have so easily been solved with a bit of communication! I think Sarala’s mistake was in not having discussed the jewelery issue with Ari ahead of time. All he wanted was to make her happy; it would have been totally fine to say she wants to choose her necklace together with him. But for Sarala to have avoided the subject, and then to buy another necklace and be deceptive in order to wear it, when Ari put so much love and thought into choosing the blue necklace, is hurtful.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 871)