Thus concluded Day One of my Pretend. One phone call, and not much else. It felt disappointing. I was hoping for more

As told to Devorah Grant

If only I could take those words and stuff them back into the furthest corner of my mouth. If only I could be the girl that I used to be — run-of-the-mill, unobtrusive, innocent. If only I’d chosen to be true to myself, this would never, ever have happened.

Ruty was the beginning of my downfall. Which is funny, really, since she was just a classmate, far more popular than I ever was, with a cute blond lob and dancing blue eyes. But when she got sick, that’s when it began.

At first, it was just lots of absences, when Ruty’s seat in the middle row at school was empty for days. Chevi said Ruty had the flu, but when Ruty came back, she looked worse than after a flu. A whole lot worse.

The rumors began.

“Ruty’s sick, I heard my mother speaking to her mother!”

“She has to go for special treatment in Arizona.”

“My cousin had the same illness and she can’t see properly anymore!”

The worst thing was, the rumors were truer than we believed.

Ruty was sick. Very sick. A rare cancer; an unusual case. When Mrs. Rothman walked into our class holding a Tehillim, we knew things were serious.

After that, our class rallied. We split Tehillim; made brachos parties. Wrote cards and baked cookies. Chevi and Malki even went to a studio to record a song for Ruty before she flew to the treatment center in Arizona.

And meanwhile, envy reared its ugly head inside me.

It’s not like I wanted to be sick. I never in a million years wanted to go through the pain Ruty suffered, as she battled her way through countless treatments; one step forward, two steps back. But each time I heard an update on Ruty, or another gift was arranged, it pushed something deep inside me. I was struggling socially, floating between crowds, never quite sure if I belonged or not. I was used to being just ordinary Elisheva, nice-and-nothing-special, with not much talent or sparkle or anything, really. And Ruty’s situation just rubbed it in. I wondered if anyone would miss me if I ended up in hospital. I imagined how maybe, just maybe, people might notice, might care. So I tried it.