Four steps couples can take to free themselves from the argument cycle

Have you and your spouse been having a particular argument for years? Do you find yourself getting upset at the same things over and over? There’s a way out — four straightforward steps that can break the negative cycle and jumpstart real change

"My parents have been married for over 30 years and they’re still fighting about the same things! I can tell you how an argument is going to start, how it will play out, and how it’s going to end. If I can do that, then why can’t they see it coming? Why can’t they just stop already?

This 22-year-old, who isn’t yet married, is truly baffled. But one day, she may find herself in her parents’ predicament. Although it’s easy for others to see how husbands and wives get “hooked” by each other, the spouses themselves are too deeply immersed in their own emotional cellars to be able to have cognitive clarity. They can’t see what’s going on, because they’re too busy feeling it.

Round the Unmerry Go-round

When two people build a life together, they can choose from an infinite menu of differences to debate. Why is it so difficult for people to make their way through a topic to a happy resolution? Why do couples get stuck in an endless circle of unresolved, repetitive, and painful conversations?

Let’s look at the most common reason couples get stuck in repetitive fights. This man’s description of his marital cycle is a good example:

“I can tell you exactly how it happens. My wife never lets me raise an issue. For example, last night I told her that the mess in the front hall is really bothering me. Before I got any further, she burst into tears and went on a rant about how hard her life is, how she’s doing the best she can, how I don’t appreciate anything she does, how I’m so critical all the time, and on and on. So of course, I got upset. She didn’t address my issue at all. I wanted to talk about the mess! But it always becomes all about her!

“And I told her so. She got all defensive and cried even more, saying stuff like, ‘I don’t deserve this. I’m a very good wife and mother. You’ll just never be happy.’ Whenever we fight, we’ll do a few rounds like that and then usually I’ll stomp out of the room and slam the door and then we won’t talk to each other for a few days.”

Once we dissect the components of this interaction, it’s easy to see how a fight like this could go on for a lifetime. In a negotiation, A wants something from B. The most common reason for repetitive fights is the failure to successfully complete all the steps of a negotiation.

A successful negotiation should go through the following four steps:

Step One: A (the person who wants something) raises the issue with B.

Step Two: B attempts to understand the issue through asking questions that B answers.

Step Three: A and B explore suggestions for resolution, each contributing to the problem-solving process.

Step Four: A and B agree to a specific resolution and monitor its execution.