The Little Mother

Tzivy Reiter, LCSW, Director of Children’s Services at OHEL, encounters parentified children frequently in her work. Often, the very reason children are in foster care is that one or both parents cannot fulfill their physical or emotional needs. Frequently, one child, typically the oldest, will step into the void left by the parent and assume a parental role toward her (or, less frequently, his) siblings.
In the short-term, her peer relationships suffer. Like Esther’s experience, the child may suffer from a lack of boundaries, or else she may be perceived as bossy and overbearing, since she’s used to filling the shoes of the leader in her family.
Her general social skills may also lag, simply because the burden of adult responsibilities prevents her from having fun with kids her age and developing age-appropriate friendships.
However, it’s a mistake to assume that the parentified child is obviously suffering. Often, the child doesn’t know there’s anything wrong with her dynamic and finds a certain level of comfort in maintaining the only status quo she knows. Generally, these kids won’t act out; if anything, they will feel extra pressure to be “good” in order to spare their parents any anguish.
Even when other adults intervene to help out, the parentified child can have a hard time stepping away from her assumed role, says Mrs. Reiter. “Sometimes, if the child is placed in foster care she has a very hard time relinquishing the parental role,” she says. “She may get into power struggles, since that role is all she knows.”
Talia had that experience as a young adult, when it was time for her to leave home. Though she lived at home with both parents, her mother was perpetually unwell, and her father was frequently away for extended periods. As the oldest, Talia felt both a physical and emotional responsibility toward her younger siblings. As an older teen, she shopped with her younger sisters, drove them everywhere, and did all the cooking. Most crushing of all, she was burdened with the perceived need to protect her mother from learning of certain indiscretions her father had committed.
Even when well-meaning acquaintances attempted to persuade her to leave home and allow leadership of the family to revert to her parents, Talia resisted. “I thought this is what oldests do,” she remembers.
With her father’s passing, Talia became still more entrenched in the role of her mother’s caretaker, shooting down any suggestion that the relationship was unhealthy. Even once Talia was married, it was a given that she’d chauffeur her mother, accompany her to appointments, and take care of the bureaucracy that her mother found overwhelming.
Today, Talia still pines for a token acknowledgment of the hard work she pours into caring for her mother, but from the time she made Pesach at 11 through her adulthood, it was taken for granted that she’d cater uncomplainingly to her mother’s every need.
It took several years and multiple therapists before Talia realized that her troubled marriage and her tumultuous relationship with her mother shared a single root — her untimely assumption of parental roles.

Parentification Fallout

The most serious fallout of parentification often doesn’t manifest itself during childhood or adolescence, appearing only in adulthood. The unhealthy patterns learned in childhood can play out in a variety of ways.
Dina became a perfectionist, insisting she doesn’t need or want anyone’s help. She naturally gravitates toward men who are unavailable and will gladly accept her caretaking, such as addicts or workaholics. She lavishes care on self-centered others who do not return her concern. Perri, on the other hand, wants her husband’s help with everything and can’t make an independent decision, because she’s learned that meeting others’ expectations is the sole determinant of her self-worth. Chana is burnt out and uninterested in mothering, having spent too many years doing it prematurely.
Occasionally, notes Mrs. Halle, the parentified child grows into an adult who resents her responsibilities and indulges in the carefree lifestyle she never got to experience at the right developmental stage. Angry over the loss of her childhood, she regresses to that stage.
The child who was so focused on the parent’s needs may never have learned to identify or express her own needs. She may have learned that she wasn’t allowed to have her own feelings, much less share them with the fragile adult in her life.
Talia followed a typical path for parentified children. Unfamiliar with the dynamics of healthy relationships, she married someone who reflected her father’s unavailability: a husband who, years later, was diagnosed with a substance-abuse problem, and the concomitant challenges in maintaining open communication in a relationship.
“We want a close relationship,” she says of parentified children, “but when it’s handed to us on a silver platter, we run, because we don’t know how to deal with it.”

Healing the Hurt

The good news is that healing from the premature loss of childhood is definitely doable.
“If you can reverse course in childhood, that’s the best,” said Mrs. Reiter, who often watches the process play out when parents’ functioning improves or kids enter foster homes. “It’s important to highlight the child’s strength: ‘You’ve been doing wonderfully, now Mommy’s doing better, this is a mommy’s job.’ ” It will take time, she cautions, but if a safe, trustworthy adult takes back responsibility, the child can eventually learn to trust.
Even if the parents are not capable of leading the household, the effects of parentification can be mitigated, says Mrs. Reiter, through the judicious intervention of other adults, such as grandparents or aunts. “To the extent that you can alleviate some of the adult-like burdens, that helps, even if the child is kicking and screaming because they don’t want to give them up.”
Because the hurt of parentification results from the festering lack of a parent figure, regardless of the child’s attitude at the time, having an adult they can rely on can substantially diminish the deleterious effects.
Therapy can help someone unlearn old patterns of relating to herself and others and replace them with new, healthier patterns, says Mrs. Halle, including setting boundaries against undue demands.
Monica Werczberger teaches her clients that their value doesn’t come from others’ accolades or from being the savior. “When you’re giving from a filled-up place, you don’t need the thank you,” she explains. “Your value doesn’t only come from showing up for other people and how much you can give, and vulnerability doesn’t make you weak or broken. Discovering how to speak up for your needs is very healing.”
Learning to become a parent to your inner child takes work, and it starts with the mundane — your needs count, including eating and sleeping enough. Today, Talia is in her late fifties, but still struggles with basic self-care. After years of putting herself last, she still needs to make a concerted effort to eat nourishing meals, keep herself hydrated, and take painkillers when sick. Despite knowing the source of her maladaptive behaviors, she still doesn’t possess the emotional wherewithal to completely overcome them.

Hope for the Future

Mrs. Reiter sounds an optimistic note. “The norm is resilience,” she repeats several times throughout our conversation. “People can rise above challenging family situations. Many of those qualities, such as responsibility, can translate into strengths down the line.”
She recalls one child she met years ago, who was cooking herself spaghetti at age five because her parents couldn’t manage supper. “She grew up to be a very loving mother. Her foster parents took back the reins, though it was very hard. She’ll probably always have this tendency to put others’ needs first, but she’s doing very well.”
Even when someone suffers for years from a challenging home situation, she can rise above it, as Esther’s story illustrates. Today, she has a strong and healthy bond with her mother.
“I didn’t blame her,” she explains. “I saw her as a human, doing the best she could. She came with her own wounds from her mother, and it takes healing to break the generational cycle.” As Esther learned to set boundaries and parent herself, her relationship with her mother improved. Today, she says, their relationship is loving and she can turn to her mother when she needs her.
Her recovery from the wounds of her past has impacted her in wide-ranging ways. “The more I heal myself, the more I can give other people,” she relates. “My relationship with my daughter changed drastically. I stopped yelling at her once I learned to take care of myself.” Originally, she over-compensated for her own deficient upbringing by lavishing attention on her daughter, to the point of stifling her. As she healed, she became a more balanced parent.
Whatever hardships they’ve experienced, Ms. Werzcberger has a message for women everywhere: “Though you may have been victimized, you are not a victim.” Despite the circumstances of your youth, she says, the power to heal is in you. Starting today, you can begin a new cycle of love and hope.

When Is it a Problem?

As our community has made amazing strides in raising awareness of mental and emotional health concerns, we’ve also experienced a commensurate rise in over-pathologizing. That neighbor who’s always taking her little brothers to the park — is she a parentified child, or simply a mature and helpful oldest?
As with many questions of emotional health, no specific incident provides the answer. It’s always a matter of the degree and intensity with which the behavior manifests. Frequently, situations arise in a busy household that may not be ideal, but are also not signs of serious dysfunction. Most regular parents will have times when they will need to call on older children for help, even when it’s difficult for the child.
Mrs. Halle provides a clue to identify the responsible child with a healthy sense of self: If given the choice to spend time with peers, even when it conflicts with home responsibilities, she can make the decision to choose friends over home. If a child never feels able to prioritize her own social life, it’s a warning sign that something is off.
“When it comes at the expense of their own developmental needs being met, that’s when it becomes a pathology,” says Mrs. Reiter. “If she can’t safely express her pain, sadness, and anxiety because she’s holding it together for the parent, it’s a problem.”
The bottom line: Does she have an adult to rely upon for her needs? If the child is in the role of the adult in the room, we have a problem, regardless of how she feels about it at the time.

Is My Child Parentified?

It’s sometimes hard to know if a child is being forced to grow up too fast. But if a parent is asking the question, half the battle has been won, says Mrs. Halle. Parentification is usually a pathology of obliviousness, and evaluating your habits is the first major step toward correcting course.
Broadly, parentification can be divided into two categories: emotional, in which the child feels responsibility for others’ emotional well-being, and functional, where the child fills in for a parent in practical ways.
“Mazal tov! Everyone should have such an oldest like Shaindy to help them after a birth.” At times of simchah, or Rachmana litzlan, during illness, it’s tempting to pile responsibilities onto a helpful child. Stop and evaluate whether your expectations of your child are age-appropriate. Are you giving him tasks that enable him to pitch in as part of the family unit and learn important life skills, or are you handing off your own responsibilities because you’re simply overwhelmed? Are her responsibilities interfering with her schoolwork or social life? While certain occasional circumstances require exceptions, pay attention to make sure that parentification doesn’t become a pattern.
“I feel so stuck in my job, I just don’t know what to do.” One of the underrated parts about having a teen is being able to enjoy quasi-adult conversation. However, sharing thoughts and feelings can, under certain circumstances, lead a parent to unload their pain onto the child.
Consider your motivations in discussing weighty topics with your children. Are you sharing your dilemma in order to unburden yourself (parentification), or in order to model healthy decision making, teach your child how to cope with sensitive topics, or allow your child to express her own worries and fears? If your child feels safe to share her own concerns, that’s usually a sign that your roles are still properly assigned. Still, certain topics, like your marriage and how you parent your other children, need to remain no-go zones.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 720)