When a child’s marriage dissolves, parents instinctively want to step in to help. How can parents be a bulwark of strength for their child when they themselves are reeling from pain? Mothers and experts share their hard-earned wisdom

Looking back, there were hints that something was amiss. Shifra regularly called her newlywed daughter, Chava, who was living across the Atlantic in Israel, and early on, Chava shared some worrying observations about her new husband. But Shifra didn’t dwell on it — after all, it was shanah rishonah and the young couple was starting out on unfamiliar terrain.

As time passed, Shifra figured that “no news was good news.” Still, she was a little disconcerted by the strained silence whenever she spoke to Chava’s siblings about their visits to their sister’s home. “I found out later that they knew what was going on, but Chava made them promise they wouldn’t tell me anything,” says Shifra.

Chava’s second child was due right after Pesach so the plan was that she’d return home before Pesach, stay through the birth and initial recovery, and then return to Israel. But after the baby was born and Chava was safely ensconced in her parents’ home, she decided she wasn’t flying back.

“By then, we’d seen the marriage up close and finally understood how troubled the relationship was,” says Shifra.

Even though Chava didn’t want to return to Israel, she wasn’t ready to end the marriage yet, which left Shifra walking a fine line. “On the one hand, you want to be supportive,” she recalls. “But on the other hand, if it will blow over, you don’t want to say something that will linger.”

Chava ultimately divorced, thrusting Shifra and her husband into roles they never imagined.

Shocks Waves of Pain

According to the Homes and Rahe Stress Scale, divorce is one of the most stressful life events. While the divorcing couple feels the brunt of the stress, other family members — especially the parents of the child — are also subject to intense emotional shock waves.

“There’s nothing more painful for a mother than a child’s suffering,” says Bracha, whose daughter left an abusive marriage. “I had nightmares for months after my daughter’s divorce, reliving in my mind what she had described of her experience.”

Feelings of guilt are common, as well as second-guessing, especially in circles where people marry younger, and parents have more input in shidduchim. “Some parents have a ton of guilt,” says Suri, a LCSW, who counsels women in difficult marriages. “They think, we did this, we pushed her into this shidduch. She told me she didn’t like him, he’s too quiet, and look, he ended up having Asperger’s.”

Embarrassment is another excruciating emotion to contend with. “Divorce is humiliating for a parent,” says Dr. Yael Respler, a psychotherapist in private practice who counsels couples. Parents can blush crimson just imagining the reaction from the outside world: What will people think? What will they say?

If the couple married recently, the shock might take the parent off guard: I thought everything was great or I can’t believe I just spent so much money on the wedding.

Sometimes parents struggle to understand why the adult child wants to divorce; they can’t understand the reasoning. “Parents have a hard time watching their children live out the negative consequences of their decisions,” says Rochel Goldbaum, an international speaker, teacher, dating coach, and relationships mentor. “But if we want to help them, we have to move past it.”