“Mordy?” She paused, surprised. “Nothing, he was just sitting there watching it all. After about a minute a garden employee saw what was happening and radioed for help. An EMT came, he asked me if I had an EpiPen and he gave me the injection. After a minute or two I was fine, the swelling went down and I could breathe okay.”

“I can’t believe it!”

“I know. I don’t think I was ever so mortified in my life. They asked me if I wanted to go to the ER but I said no. They made me sign a document stating that I declined to go to the hospital and wouldn’t sue them. I was fine after that. But,” she added, “I felt so bad about the iced coffee. Mordy was really upset.”

“He was upset about the iced coffee?”

“Yeah, it spilled all over him. It was a new suit and it was the first time he was wearing it.”

“How do you know that?”

“What do you mean?” She was confused. “He told me. As soon the EMT guy left, he was like, ‘I can’t believe you knocked over the iced coffee like that, it’s a new suit, I hope it’s not ruined now.’”

For a moment I was speechless. “That’s the first thing he said to you?”

Shoshie was oblivious. “Honestly, until I got stung, it was a pretty good date. Does he want to go out again? I would go out again.”

For a moment, I couldn’t reply.

“Hello, Mrs. Leiman? Are you still there?”

“Shoshie,” I said, “you’re on a date with this guy, you get stung, you’re allergic, you need emergency medical attention, he does nothing to help you, and then, when the whole thing is over all he can say is ‘you ruined my new suit?’”

“Well, he was dripping in iced coffee. What else should he say?”

“What else should he say?” I was beside myself. “How about ‘Are you okay?’ Or ‘That was so scary, I’m so sorry that happened to you.’ Did he say anything like that? Ask how you are, try to help you? Apologize for not helping you?”

“Um, not really, but whatever, it’s not such a big deal.”

It was a very big deal. This is a crucial part of the dating process — to assess the other person’s character. One of the most important factors in being a good spouse is the ability to empathize. To see another person and understand their needs. To care about their needs. To try to fulfill their needs. To think about what the other person is going through and be there with them, to be there for them.

“Shoshie,” I said, “imagine what such a lack of empathy looks like in a marriage. It’s very, very lonely, frustrating, and sad.”

“It wasn’t such a big deal,” Shoshie said again, trying to convince me.

“Shoshie,” I said calmly, “it’s obvious to me that something about Mordy is unhealthy, and he’s not a good candidate for marriage right now. But you know what bothers me even more than his reaction? Your reaction.”

“Me? I didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Shoshie, you just told me you would be willing to go out with him again. Why would you be willing to keep dating someone who makes no attempt to help you when you’re clearly having a medical crisis? Even if he just panicked and froze in the moment, that doesn’t excuse his behavior after you recovered. He never even asked how you were feeling! You’re having an emergency, and he’s thinking about himself.” I was quiet for a minute. “The fact that you’re willing to tolerate this type of treatment, the fact that you were oblivious and didn’t realize something was wrong with the way Mordy reacted, worries me. A lot. Mordy is a good person and I like him, but he clearly has some things he needs to work through if he wants to have a happy marriage.” I paused. “And I think you do, too.”

That bee sting was the best thing that could have happened to Shoshie. An allergic reaction is frightening, but not as frightening as the idea of a marriage between her and Mordy. The incident gave both Shoshie and Mordy the opportunity to see each other — and themselves — more clearly. With that knowledge, they had the opportunity to seek the help and guidance they needed to become stronger, healthier people, who would make good spouses and have successful marriages.

The shidduch may have been over, but it was a new beginning for each of them.

to be continued…

Shani Leiman is a teacher and shadchan in Silver Spring, Maryland.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 701)