Your child is suddenly acting aloof and pulling away physically and emotionally. What can you do to strengthen the ties between you so they don’t snap entirely?

In growing numbers, children in pain are opting to deal with complex relationship issues by minimizing contact with their parents. Current psychology buzzwords are “boundaries” and “space.” “Unfriending” is considered a healthy coping technique, and popular self-help trends empower millennials to divest themselves of toxic relationships. 

In previous generations, when it was less socially acceptable to distance oneself from parents, children were more likely to suffer through volatile relationships than to pull away from their families. Today, when society is more favorably disposed to children who carve out their own space, young people increasingly choose this path as the way to resolve family problems. 

Simultaneously, their parents, who grew up with the concept that family is sacrosanct and irreplaceable, tend to cling tenaciously to the bond. Wise parents and children realize that although there are rare cases, ideally determined by a serious discussion with qualified professionals and daas Torah, where a complete rupture is warranted, the value of a parent-child relationship, even when limited or strained, can hardly be overstated.

While most communication problems have complicated roots involving both parties, the onus of reconciliation is on the parents, says Mrs. Basie (Tress) Rosenblatt LCSW, a social worker in private practice in Brooklyn and Lakewood, as well as a consultant for MASK. With perspective acquired through their additional life experience, parents usually have a greater appreciation for, and dedication to, the centrality of family, which can help them make painful choices for the good of the relationship. Of course, a child who understands the priceless value of family can also be the one to lean in and take initiative for repairing a relationship. 

In one case Mrs. Rosenblatt was acquainted with, a mother joined with her adult daughter in a business partnership. When the daughter began to make unreasonable demands with regard to the partnership, the mother decided to withdraw her claims in order not to rupture the mother-daughter relationship. Mrs. Rosenblatt describes the mother’s thought process: “My daughter is never nice, but at least she comes over. No business in the world is worth having an estranged daughter. Nothing is worth it.” 

This sort of vatranus, says Mrs. Rosenblatt, putting peace ahead of all considerations of fairness or mutual obligation, is key to maintaining relationships with challenging children who might otherwise cut off contact with their parent. 

While parents may need to be the one to make disproportional efforts to salvage a relationship, deep down, children do want to remain part of their families. Parents can take comfort in the fact that even children who minimize contact aren’t truly at piece with their decision and will only truly be whole once they’ve reconciled with the ones who love them most.

Danger Ahead 

With growing numbers of estrangements in the world at large and in our own community as well, parents whose relationships with their children are faltering are understandably worried about becoming a statistic.

The good news is that estrangements are rarely sudden and shocking. “It’s a gradual process,” says Dr. Sue Cornbluth. With a PhD in clinical psychology, Dr. Sue, as she likes to be called, is certified in Breakthrough Parenting, a modality used to reunite alienated parents and children. Through Broken Ties, a support group for parents of alienated children, she became familiar with the plight of parents in our community who are struggling to maintain relationships with children who are pulling away. 

Well-meaning therapists or askanim who aren’t specifically trained in the area of parent-child relationships, alienations, and estrangements, sometimes try to placate distraught clients with pat reassurances: “Give it time, they’ll come around,” they might tell worried parents, but Dr. Sue warns against grabbing onto these glib assurances, tempting as it may be. In her years of experience, she’s never seen a deteriorating parent-child relationship magically heal itself without hard work on the part of both parties, she says.

The longer an emotional drift or estrangement is allowed to continue, the harder it will be to undo, concurs Mrs. Rosenblatt, who advises parents to work to reverse the problem as soon as they can — a charge easier said than done.

According to Dr. Sue, an estrangement that leads to alienation is often preceded by one or more warning signs. For example, the frequency and duration of communication begins to lessen noticeably. Typically, there will be an uptick in bickering, and parents often begin to hear a mantra of, “You’re not listening to me. Don’t you hear what I’m saying?”

For Libby, a clue that she only recognized in hindsight was her children’s increasing use of psychological jargon. While her children were in therapy to deal with their feelings surrounding a sibling’s complex mental health case, their language and ways of thinking about their family’s dynamics became increasingly pathologized, which she now realizes should have warranted more attention.

However, even when the signs are there, no parent wants to be the meddling adult who makes things worse instead of better. If a parent does notice signs of a deteriorating relationship, caution is warranted; reach out for professional guidance as soon as possible.