A choose-your-own-adventure tale

Illustrated by Dov-Ber Cohen

1. As you disembark from El Al flight 07A42, non-stop from Tel Aviv, you are no closer to a decision than to Sheboygan, Wisconsin, which is, in fact, 960 miles away.

On the one hand, your stint in the rarefied atmosphere of Bais Yaakov L’Meidelach has impressed upon you the importance of your role as an akeres habayis, which inclines you to immediately set about the pursuit of building your very own bayis ne’eman.

On the other hand, the residual taint of your American upbringing whispers deep in your heart that marriage should wait at least until you have developed 14 gigabytes worth of photos and had a chance to finish your stash of gummy worms and Doritos or else you might have to share.

Already 17 by Pesach of your seminary year, you are conscious of your eligibility clock rapidly ticking towards its dismal end, and the thought fills you with as much foreboding as you can muster without knowing what the word means.

On yet a third hand, not having slept for about a year, you are hoping for a couple of weeks off before intrepidly encountering the cream of Brisk’s crop that populates your mother’s multi-page, color-coded List.

If you opt to begin shidduchim immediately, turn to (2)

If you choose to wait until you’ve at least had the chance to shower and blow dry your hair, turn to (3)

2. Since you don’t plan to be single for more than the few months it will take to purchase your trousseau, it’s of paramount importance that you make every moment count. Between shoe-shopping, hair appointments, and meeting shadchanim, you decide to further your career so that you can support your husband’s learning, and also to upgrade your marketability to said hypothetical husband.

Together with your mother, sister, four favorite teachers from seminary, and 14 best friends from high school, you develop a list of criteria and narrow down your options. Your chosen occupation needs to be lucrative, not require your parents to mortgage their first-born child to pay for the training, have flexible hours, and have the potential to continually demand raises over time. A unicorn hitching post outside the office would be a nice plus, but not a deal-breaker, because you’re flexible that way.

If you choose to become a pirate, turn to (4)

If you choose to become a cleaning lady, turn to (5)

3. All the good boys are taken. Haven’t you read the Nasi ads?

THE END