| Family Reflections |

Do-Gooders: When helping others isn’t a help

By Sarah Chana Radcliffe | April 17, 2013

What is there to know? More than you can imagine.

Everyone thinks being a psychologist is easy. In fact everyone thinks he or she is a psychologist! After all what does it take besides a little common sense some knowledge of Torah and a bit of natural talent?

In possession of these basics almost anyone should be able to analyze other people grasp the complexity of their life situations and advise them wisely — or so it would seem.

You Can Thank Me

The final essential ingredient is the sincere desire to help others. “I love helping people” Yoni exclaims. “And I’m pretty good at it. It’s because of me that Chaim and Kayla are still married.”

Well maybe Yoni had a positive role in that one but he really shouldn’t take full credit for the outcome. After all we don’t hear him announcing “It’s because of me that Dovy and Freeda got divorced.”

In the latter situation Yoni’s more reasonable humility comes to the surface. He most likely wouldn’t make such a statement because he knows that a couple doesn’t divorce because of what someone else says or doesn’t say. He intuitively understands that the situation is complex and there are many many factors at play.

Why he forgets this when a marriage works out is understandable. Yoni is not a professional. He doesn’t understand his role in the “helping profession.”

I Know What’s Right

Similarly many lay therapists (people-helpers who have no professional training) rely on their intuition and gut feelings rather than on a theoretical framework that informs and guides treatment.

Of course even professionals add intuitive processes to their work as does every person in every field. We can’t drop this side of our brain even if we want to. It is attached to the other side and comes along for the ride! Moreover intuition adds to the quality of one’s work in any endeavor. It’s simply that this faculty must rest on a foundation of true knowledge in certain applications. For instance when a person is feeling very ill he or she would be unlikely to go to an intuitive neighbor for diagnosis and treatment preferring instead to search out an intuitive highly trained professional doctor.

Self-proclaimed psychologists however feel that there is no science involved in this line of work. Yes a doctor requires training because his work is so technical. Any smart human being on the other hand can practice psychology because after all “what is there to know?”

Where I come from psychologists study for 12 to 15 years after graduating high school before they are licensed to practice the profession. What is there to know? More than you can imagine.

I Said What Had to Be Said

“It’s just not right that he doesn’t speak to his mother. She’s a wonderful lady and her heart is broken. I told it to him straight — it’s a mitzvah plain and simple. Like it or not he has to maintain contact.”

Do you mind if I ask how well do you know this family? How much do you know about the mother’s history personality and social functioning? Do you know for an absolute fact that she’s a “wonderful lady”? Do you know what kind of parent she’s been?

Before you gave the young man that advice did you meet with him to discuss the factors that led him to withdraw from this relationship? Do you know anything about his childhood his adult functioning his other relationships?

“I don’t have to know them. I know one thing for sure: a child never cuts a parent off. There are no reasons that could justify such an action.”

Can I ask you how much counseling you’ve done? How would you know whether someone has been abused or is mentally ill? What sorts of mental health disorders contribute to abusive parenting behaviors or to a child’s withdrawal from parental contact? Do you know how to avoid retraumatizing a person? Even if helping is appropriate do you know how one facilitates healing forgiveness and enduring positive change?

“I just know one thing: this is no way for a child to behave toward a parent.”

In general that’s true. Do you know what constitutes an exception to that rule? And are you aware that a preaching attitude often backfires causing a person to avoid both you and your message?

“I tell it like it is.”

I know you do. Please cease and desist before you hurt someone very badly. You may have good intentions but this doesn’t mean you’re qualified to intervene in complex psychological cases. Please refer your “client” to a professional.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 337)

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