Inequality among marriage partners should never be ignored

Children have an instinctive distaste for inequality. “It’s not fair — he has more than me!” “Why do I have to do it when she doesn’t?” “No one has to go to bed this early except for me!”

Unfair treatment feels unloving implicitly implying that others are more deserving. Unfair treatment also feels wrong — like something has fallen out of order in the universe. Perhaps most importantly being treated unfairly can cause significant hurt anger and resentment causing serious harm to relationships.

Unfair Spouses

That being said it’s surprising that so many spouses treat their partners unfairly. Certainly they must realize that unfair treatment feels bad. They themselves would not enjoy being treated unfairly by anyone else. So why do they brazenly treat their significant other this way?

Unfair spouses fail to do marital arithmetic. They divide ten by two and somehow get nine for themselves and one for their spouse. “I need to go to Israel to recharge. Yes I know I’ve been there four times this year and you’ve only been there once in the past five years but this is really important to me. Bye.”

Or “I work hard with the children all day and I’m not doing anymore work in the evening. Yes I realize you’ve been working all day too but that’s different. You’ve been out of the house. Now that you’re home you can make dinner clean the kitchen do the laundry help the kids with their homework and put them to bed. I need a break.”

Or “Yes it’s true I bought myself a $3000 bookcase this month but that has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t want you to spend $20 on pizza this week because we really can’t afford it.”

Or “I have trouble getting up in the morning so it’s going to be your job for the entirety of our marriage to get up make the kids’ lunches feed them breakfast clean up the kitchen and take them to school. And yes I know that the fact that I stay up late may have something to do with it but I’m a night owl — there’s nothing I can do about it. Sorry.”