“The Torah map of this country would look very different without the quiet influence of out-of-town kollelim”

Feeding into Dangerous Tropes [Cover / Issue 1102]

The recent front page depicting President Trump and Benjamin Netanyahu as puppets struck me as a troubling public display of a lack of hakaras hatov. Presenting someone as a puppet is inherently belittling, especially when referring to the leaders of America and Israel, two people who have taken significant actions specifically intended to benefit and protect the Jewish people, particularly during this time of war.

I understand the message being conveyed, that ultimately our reliance and emunah must be in Hashem and not in human leaders. That is certainly true. But expressing that idea should not come at the expense of degrading people to whom we owe tremendous appreciation. In fact, hakaras hatov toward people strengthens our recognition that they are the conduits through which Hashem’s kindness comes into the world. Belittling those people undermines that perspective.

But beyond the issue of hakaras hatov, there is a more serious concern. For generations, Jews have been accused of secretly controlling governments and world leaders, one of the most dangerous antisemitic tropes. Just this week, Tucker Carlson was pushing that very narrative. When a Jewish publication depicts world leaders as puppets, it plays directly into that accusation and reinforces a trope that has historically put Jews at risk.

I’m not trying to shame whoever chose this cover, and I understand the message they were trying to convey. But this was the wrong way to do it. The message could, and should, have been communicated in a way that preserves dignity and does not reinforce dangerous tropes that have harmed our people for generations.

Name Withheld

Mind over Heart [Guestlines / Issue 1102]

I greatly enjoyed Rav Kerzner’s recent article addressing the current war and found his analysis particularly powerful.

One point in particular stayed with me. He noted that in times of turmoil, the moach must guide the lev — that intellect must direct emotion, and not the reverse. When emotions take the lead during a crisis, decisions can easily become clouded and mistakes are more likely to occur.

Without entering the broader hashkafic or halachic discussion surrounding women in leadership roles, there is a simple practical dimension worth noting. In general, men and women are often wired somewhat differently: Men tend to operate more through seichel, while women tend to experience the world more deeply through emotion. Both qualities are necessary in their proper settings. However, positions of leadership — particularly in times of crisis — demand an especially strong capacity for decisions to be guided primarily by calm intellectual judgment rather than by emotional reaction, which is why men are generally better suited for such positions.

Rabbi Kerzner’s point about the moach directing the lev is therefore not only a profound personal lesson for each of us, but also a powerful insight into what responsible leadership requires.

A.H.

For Love of Torah [His Father’s Echo / Issue 1102]

Reading Yisroel Besser’s tribute to the Pnei Menachem, I am reminded of the most beautiful and evocative haskamah (letter of approbation) I have ever encountered, which was authored by the Pnei Menachem. Rav Pinchas Menachem Alter was writing at the beginning of 5740 (1979), while he was the rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Sfas Emes, regarding the sefer of Professor Yehuda (Leo) Levi, Shaarei Talmud Torah, a compendium of topics and ideas on the mitzvah of talmud Torah.

Professor Levi, with whom I had the privilege of studying in the early 1970s at the Jerusalem College of Technology (Machon Lev), was both an accomplished scientist in the area of electro-optics, and a talmid chacham, having written commentaries on selected portions of the Yerushalmi, among various other seforim and books of Jewish interest.

The final two chapters of Professor Levi’s sefer were titled Torah v’Derech Eretz (Torah and Livelihood) and Torah v’Hachochmos (Torah and [Secular] Wisdom). This is what the Pnei Menachem wrote:

Regarding the final two chapters, understandably the matter requires great care. (I hope that his honor will understand me. I was educated in a different framework — his honor was raised and educated according to the approach of Harav Hagaon Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch z”l, Torah Im Derech Eretz.)  Seeing the titles — I instinctively recoiled (principally in the final chapter) — it was like a son who for the first time sees his stepmother, his father’s wife, as to which it is almost impossible for him not to experience a feeling from the depths of his heart — as much as she is modest and good in the eyes of his father and the eyes of all the world, and as much as he is obligated to respect her according to law as his father’s wife, and also as this is the honor of his father and the need of his father, it is impossible for the love and memory of his mother not to rise in his heart. So, too, our holy Torah, our life and the length of our days, which we have just hugged and kissed in the hakafos of Simchas Torah, and like the parable of Shlomo Hamelech a”h regarding the wisdom of nature as a foreign woman, and the Torah — the Torah of your mother.

Whatever one’s position on Torah and secular studies, the beauty and sensitivity of these words are inescapable.

Abbe (Avi) Dienstag

Lawrence, NY

The Broader Picture [Just Ask the Question / Issue 1102]

I read the recent article discussing the concerns and potential drawbacks of moving to an out-of-town kollel. Certainly, decisions of this magnitude deserve thoughtful consideration. Families must weigh many factors including chinuch, finances, community, and long-term sustainability. Those are important conversations to have. At the same time, I found myself unsettled by the overall tone. When the discussion focuses primarily on the reasons not to go, we risk overlooking an important part of the story.

For decades, out-of-town kollelim have been among the quiet engines of Torah growth across America. In cities that once had very little infrastructure for serious learning, small groups of young families arrived simply to learn Torah. Over time those seeds strengthened shuls, helped build schools, created learning opportunities, and slowly transformed entire communities.

Equally important is what happens to the individuals themselves. In out-of-town communities, people are naturally asked to stretch. A young kollel member may arrive planning to simply spend a few years learning, but quickly finds himself giving shiurim, learning with balabatim, helping build programs, and becoming deeply involved in community life. In the process, talents emerge that might never have been discovered in a larger and more established setting.

I know this firsthand. My own journey began learning in an out-of-town kollel in Chicago. Those years provided an environment to grow, to discover strengths I did not yet know I had, and to begin developing the skills needed to contribute to a community. From there I later had the privilege of serving as a rav and rebbi in Chicago, and eventually as a rav in Cincinnati.

I share this not as a personal story, but because it reflects a broader reality. Many rabbanim and mechanchim serving communities today first found their footing in exactly this way. What begins as a few years of learning in a smaller city often becomes the foundation for a lifetime of Torah leadership and communal building.

Of course, no system is perfect and not every situation is right for every family. But when an entire model that has contributed so much to the spread of Torah life in America is framed primarily through its potential pitfalls, we risk overlooking the extraordinary good that has come from it.

The Torah map of this country would look very different without the quiet influence of out-of-town kollelim. That part of the story deserves to be part of the conversation as well.

Rabbi Avrohom Weinrib

Cincinnati, OH

Set Up for Growth [Just Ask the Question / Issue 1102]

Reading the article “Just Ask the Question,” it seemed to me that some of the fundamental aspects of what an out-of-town kollel has to offer were only minimally touched upon.

For context, I am a yungerman in an out-of-town kollel who plans on coming back to continue learning in kollel in the tri-state area. I had been learning in a top chaburah in BMG, and going out of town was definitely not on my radar. Hashgachah guided me to discuss with a rebbi of mine whether I would do better continuing in BMG or looking for a smaller kollel. In the course of the conversation, he advised that I consider going out of town for a few years. After much back and forth, my wife and I decided to take the plunge and follow my rebbi’s eitzah. All I can say is that it has been an incredible experience for both of us.

Being in an out-of-town kollel offers a unique opportunity to further understand yourself through your limud haTorah. You have the opportunity to build and transform a city through your limud haTorah. You get to experience firsthand how just sitting and learning shtark in a beis medrash, day in and day out, can cause significant spiritual change in an entire community. You are responsible for yourself and if you slack off, even slightly, then the community will suffer as a result.

Aside from your learning, even your everyday actions and interactions outside of the beis medrash leave lasting impressions on people. People are so impressed by the tzurah of a kollel mishpachah that they want to emulate it as well. It causes families to become more frum and kids to be sent to yeshivos and Bais Yaakovs.

Every single person needs to ask himself the question: Am I on the path to becoming the greatest ben Torah that I can become? If the answer is yes, that’s fantastic, but if not then he must make a change. This is a question that he must ask himself as well as his rebbeim. Questions such as where can I best set myself up for a shtelle or where will my wife be able to buy clothing for Yom Tov, etc., are only of secondary importance, at best.

I’m not saying that going out of town is right for everyone nor am I saying that it is without challenges. What I am saying is that every environment has its pros and cons and that a person must look deep inside themselves in order to understand which setting will set them on course to becoming the greatest oveid Hashem that they can possibly become. That is the question.

A Shteiging Yungerman

Impactful but Complicated [Just Ask the Question / Issue 1102]

My wife and I joined one of the first out-of-town kollelim in the ’70s, so I speak from experience. Besides learning with community balabatim at night and on Sunday mornings, we established a new shechitah, brought in chalav Yisrael, set up a new yeshivah elementary school, and sent many boys and girls to yeshivah gedolah and seminary in New York and Israel. By any definition, our efforts were, and continue to be, a resounding success.

But while the article touches on some transient issues, like potential kollel wives asking, “Where will I buy normal clothes for my kids,” the article left out some 800-pound gorillas that make a real difference.

We were the children of Holocaust survivors. We didn’t enjoy large extended families that played major roles in our lives. Today’s couples, though, have parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and siblings who are constant sources of support and engagement, which naturally make it harder to leave all that behind.

But I think an even bigger role in the decision-making process is chinuch of the children. Face it: Out-of-town schools can’t compare to Lakewood or other in-town yeshivahs. There was a lot of talk about the kollel guy serving as a role model in the out-of-town community, but his kids will usually go the way of their friends and that’s perhaps not where a yeshivah man wants them to travel.

An esteemed member of Torah Umesorah asked me, some 35 years ago, how my children were handling a scandal having to do with a famous basketball player. He refused to believe me when I told him my children didn’t even know the name of this athlete. If it was important to shelter children from secular society then, how much more so is it true today?

Finally, look at it from your standard Lakewood BMG student’s perspective. It’s all he can do to get his kids accepted into yeshivos, put together enough money to buy a house, and establish a working system for parnassah right now. Why should he put himself into a position where all of those issues will be so much more complicated if he kicks the can five years down the road by going to an out-of-town kollel?

Kol hakavod to anyone who makes the move. It changed our lives forever and we were able to change the lives of hundreds of good Jews. I can count rabbanim, dayanim, roshei kollel, community leaders, and generations of Torah Jews whose lives were turned around during my time as an out-of-town kollel guy. There is plenty of gratification in that role. It’s just a little more complicated than the picture painted by the article.

Dovid Green

People Want In [Just Ask the Question / Issue 1102]

I read with interest your article about BMG trying to sell the idea of yungeleit moving to smaller communities to build Torah learning. What struck me was the way that the smaller communities were described. One sign read “Out-of-Town Kollelim Event.”

If you ask most people whether they want to be in or out, they always want to be in. People want to be in, not out. When I travel to Lakewood, I’m going out of town, and when I leave, I’m going back home to Chicago. If you want to attract people, don’t tell them they will be out. It would be a simple thing to call it an “American communities kollelim event.” If everyone else is “out,” then people are always going to want to remain where they are, which is “in.”

David Brand

Chicago, IL 

Where Friends Are Family [Just Ask the Question / Issue 1102]

Thank you so much for your article on the recent awareness campaign in Lakewood about moving out of town. I agreed with all of the points made and just wanted to add one more. I think a primary reason that young couples don’t leave Lakewood for out of town has to do with family support. So many young couples have one set or both sets of parents living in Lakewood. That means that Shabbos is rarely spent at home and babysitting is never an issue. Young women visit their childhood homes multiple times a week and have mothers and sisters ready to help at a moment’s notice. This is indeed very hard to give up.

Keep in mind, though, that out of town, your friends and neighbors become your family and we are always here for each other. The pace is slower, and women don’t have to work as many hours because their husbands are bringing in a nice salary from their kollel. Every person counts, and we’d love to have you!

An Out-of-Town Kollel Family 

Too Much Information [Great Expectations / Issue 1102]

The new column at the end of the magazine, Great Expectations, has bothered me since its inception, but after this week’s poll I felt compelled to write in.

While certainly well-intentioned, this column is bringing to light trends that I never knew existed. Ironically, although it was likely designed to lessen pressure around spending, it may just be upping the bar and creating pressure to spend. The column this week struck close to home. Upon reading that close to half of readers polled (43.5%) buy their wives real diamond jewelry after each baby, I was shocked. I strive to appreciate gifts I receive but not expect them, which cheapens the gift and often leads to disappointment. However, now that I know that almost half of Mishpacha readership gets real jewelry, something shifts in my mind — now it becomes, of course I get a gift, and okay, maybe not at a cost of thousands, but maybe a few hundred? And that bar was just raised.

Being that the number of readers polled is not provided, the representation of Mishpacha readership may not even be realistic, creating pressure based on a skewed picture.

Each instance of exposure affects us in a very real way. Please, stop exposing us to extravagances. Let people who can afford it continue to spend however they please — but don’t publish it in a magazine for everyone to read and absorb.

Devorah Frieman

Lakewood, NJ

What Keeps Us Up at Night [The Kichels / Issue 1102]

I live in Givatayim and I’ve been receiving your magazine for years. I have to express my disappointment at last week’s Kichels. I found the strip depicting the reasons the character couldn’t sleep to be in bad taste. Here in Israel, we aren’t sleeping because of missile attacks. The strip would have been fine at any other time, but not now, in context of what’s going on.

I also had mixed feelings about the article about navigating the joy of Purim with the worries of the time. It would have resonated more if the writer would be living here, not in Montreal. Whoever lives outside Israel can sympathize, but it’s not the same.

Dr. Jacqueline Perle

Singing His Way to Rehab [Stroke of Inspiration / Issue 1101]

Thank you so much for the beautiful article about my father, Rabbi Paysach Krohn, and his journey over the last year. I’d like to add one more inspiring anecdote.

On Thursday, my father was slated to be transferred from Stamford Medical Center to Kessler Rehab, and I came in from Baltimore to join my parents. My mother was going to follow in her own car and asked me to join my father in the ambulance.

As we approached the elevator, my father asked the Hatzolah of Queens members accompanying him to stop. “Can you sing while we are leaving here? I’d like to sing ‘Ki B’simchah Seitzeiu.’ ”

The Hatzolah men looked at me. “Is your father serious?”

“Absolutely.” I said. “My father wants to thank Hashem. He is grateful to be leaving and loves music and singing. Of course he wants to sing and thank Hashem that he is leaving the hospital.”

They started to sing and my father and I held hands, tears streaming down our faces. He was so grateful. All I could think of was how inspiring my father is, even in the state he was in. I will never forget that moment.

Thank you again for the beautiful article.

Faige (Krohn) Kramer

Mazel Tov to the Marine! [A Million Miles from Nowhere / Issue 1099]

Thank you for spotlighting Ben Craig. My family and I met him post-October 7 on an emergency flight out to Paris. Ben kept my family calm and informed on a flight that was only French-speaking. He told us his story; he’s truly lived a fascinating life. We wanted to reach out to thank him, and wish him mazel tov on his recent engagement and marriage.

The Stern Family 

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1103)