“The joy and satisfaction of giving tzedakah is being taken away”

Mandatory Reading [Outlook / Issue 1101]

Yonoson Rosenblum’s outstanding column, “The Art of Listening,” should be made mandatory reading at any graduate clinical training program in marital therapy.

In my half-century-plus working with couples, I have found nothing more successful in helping couples improve their marriages than teaching them to communicate more effectively by showing them how to really listen to each other.

Meir Wikler, D.S.W.

Brooklyn, NY

Full Circle [The Moment / Issue 1100]

I am writing to clarify the blurb titled “A Sign of the Times” accompanying a photo of Rav Simcha Cook and me in a recent edition of Mishpacha. I am the unnamed talmid in the orange jacket. I appreciate greatly the delicate expression in which you were dan l’chaf zechus, that the sign in the photo “was removed” from the yeshivah dining room and that “perhaps” I intended to return it. Es chata’ai ani mazkir hayom.

I was a senior in the Ner Yisroel mechinah in 1987. The Sindler Dining Hall, where we took our meals (and where floor hockey was played surreptitiously on late Thursday nights), was scheduled for expansion the following summer. The fire marshal’s sign was a fixture, and I expected that someone from the yeshivah would save it as a memento. But the wall on which the sign hung was scheduled for demolition a day or two after the last of our final exams, and the evening after our last exam, the sign was still there. It would surely be buried in the rubble and lost forever. So I climbed on a chair and removed it.

To clear the air, I never forgot about it. It hung in my apartment in New York when I was in law school, then in my apartment in D.C. when I was first starting my career, and for the past 20 years in my basement in Silver Spring, MD, opposite my diplomas and bar admission certificates. At some point in the past quarter century, I offered the sign to an administrator in the Ner Yisroel system. He smiled, and in the kind manner we compliment a child on his collection of bottle caps and soda can tabs, said, “That’s okay, you can keep it.” And so I did.

But when I heard that my favorite high school rebbi, now the menahel of the mechinah, was celebrating a special birthday, I could think of no better way to send that sign home. And then that photo appeared in the magazine. My family saw it, my shul rav saw it, my mechinah classmates saw it. You managed to bring back a lot of good memories and laughter.

Josh Seidemann

Silver Spring, MD

She Learned It in Seminary [Open Mic / Issue 1100]

When my daughter started arranging shiurim for her high school grade a few months after she got back from seminary, I looked at her strangely. She has many incredible maalos, but I never knew her as the arranger type. When I brought it up, she said it’s a strong lesson she acquired in seminary: achrayus, taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done.

Naysayers want to know what can a seminary year add? I say I’m eternally grateful that my daughter was able to tap into this piece of herself and learn how powerful and impactful she can be.

Name Witheld  

All in His Hands [The Current / Issue 1100]

In the article about the upcoming Democratic primary in the 9th Congressional District of Chicago, Rabbi Shlomo Soroka from Agudath Israel of Illinois points out that the frum community can play a real role in deciding the election. That is all good and well. The Agudah has always been guided by gedolei Yisrael, who strongly encourage frum Yidden to vote.

But — and admittedly, perhaps I am a being too sensitive here — the closing line gave me pause: “This race could say a lot about the makeup of the next Congress, and we could actually shape this election — as opposed to it shaping us.” This line conveys a feeling of “the outcome is in our hands, and if we don’t act, we’re at the mercy of whichever radical progressive emerges.” Yes, hishtadlus is necessary. But outcomes are fully in Hashem’s Hands. So let’s all vote! But let’s do it because our gedolim tell us to, not to flex our political muscles. And more importantly, let’s all work on bitachon, tefillah, and commitment to Torah and mitzvos.

Yissachar Dov

Chicago, IL

Unnecessary Pressure [Double Take —  For a Good Cause / Issue 1100]

The Double Take and Kichels about crowdfunding really resonated with me. Just like so many other areas of society, fundraising has turned into social pressure and competition.

I want to be able to give tzedakah to the organizations I choose based on my values, my hakaras hatov, and the halachos of tzedakah, not based on guilt or fear of offending someone. Crowdfunding has created unreasonable pressure on relationships that is so unnecessary.

Fundraisers, do your job. There’s a reason that it’s your job and not anyone else’s. Don’t delegate it to your parent body and turn it into a competition. As the Double Take pointed out, giving is no longer about the mitzvah of tzedakah or what you can afford. Today, it’s about avoiding fights and hurt feelings.

How is this fair?

The campaigns never stop. It’s simply not feasible to give to all of them. And yet, how many people feel offended when someone doesn’t contribute? The joy and satisfaction of giving tzedakah is being taken away. Instead of giving b’lev shalem, we give begrudgingly, just to keep the peace.

S.Y.

Unnecessary Confusion [Heart of Love, Spine of Steel / Issue 1099]

The articles about the recently departed rosh yeshivah and gadol b’Yisrael, Rav Elyakim Schlesinger ztz”l, were informative, enlightening, and inspirational.

Personally, I had never had the opportunity to either meet him or hear anything from him, and I very much appreciated the Mishpacha piece that allowed us to learn about him and provided readers with a deeper perspective of the very trying times of Eretz Yisrael in its infancy.

However, there was one small part of the article that gave me pause, leaving me wondering why it was included. The writer included an interview with the Rosh Yeshivah in which he related many stories about his deep connection with the Chazon Ish. One of those anecdotes centered around the Chazon Ish’s position on voting for the frum parties involved in the formation of the state. The Rosh Yeshivah recalled how when he showed the Chazon Ish a copy of a kol korei with his name encouraging people to vote, the Chazon Ish said his name had been used for a position he did not maintain.

I was not troubled by the story itself. As this was the Rosh Yeshivah’s personal recollection, there is no doubt it is totally accurate.

However, decades upon decades of the gedolei hador who instructed every chareidi to vote for the chareidi parties did so by quoting that this was the position of the Chazon Ish. Rav Shach proclaimed this numerous times. The legendary Rav Shlomo Lorencz wrote an entire sefer documenting the personal instructions and guidance he heard from the Chazon Ish vis-à-vis his participation in the government as a representative of the chareidi parties.

In the hundreds of conversations that I was zocheh to have with Rav Chaim Kanievsky over 50 years, I never dared to bring up anything to do with politics. However, I once asked him if his father, the Steipler Gaon, ever publicly said anything his brother-in-law, the Chazon Ish, did not agree with. Rav Chaim asked me, “Like what?”

I answered that the Steipler wrote many times about the obligation to vote in the elections, and Rav Chaim responded, “He did everything like the Chazon Ish.”

Again, I am not disputing what the Rosh Yeshivah heard from the Chazon Ish.  However, as this is clearly the opinion of a yachid, while the overwhelming opinion of the rabim is that the Chazon Ish maintained the opposite position, I can’t understand why this story was included in the article. What was the purpose? To create more confusion? To question the credibility of our gedolim of past generations who were maybe mistaken in their understanding of the Chazon Ish’s opinion? How did this story add to our required reverence of gedolim and their daas Torah?

I think that Rav Yisroel Salanter’s oft-quoted quip, that not everything thought should be said, and not everything said should be repeated, and not everything repeated should be printed, is very much in order here.

That being said, we are all grateful to Mishpacha and its talented writers for having shared with us the story of this great gadol, which has so much for us all to learn from.

Rabbi Chaim Aryeh Zev Ginzberg

Cedarhurst, NY

Split them Up [Double Take —  Sink or Swim / Issue 1097]

There have been a lot of letters about the Double Take in which one student could not participate in the trip to the water park, but I haven’t seen my solution.

I don’t see why the school couldn’t offer a choice of two trips. Not all girls can swim, so surely it would benefit other girls as well. When I was in high school, the school took us roller skating, but as many girls weren’t allowed to skate, they offered a second trip doing apple picking as an alternative. No one felt excluded, and we all had a great time. I think this should be standard practice for schools with dilemmas such as these.

Mrs. Y. E. Baron

Manchester, UK

He Draws Me In [People Like Us]

I’ve been following and reading Dov Haller for many years now. I’m amazed how I get immersed into his story each week. For the few years that he was on vacation, he was dearly missed.

As a simple Yid from Kensington, I never would have thought I’d be able to relate to the Capler family in any way. Now, after reading about them for a few months, I can almost picture myself being wealthy. Going out to eat is not a thing in my circles, but I feel like I’m missing out by not dining out at Shmelka’s place. Haller has a keen understanding of both our culture and the various personalities that comprise it, that allows him to use his pen to bring any story to life.

I think Haller would be a wonderful content editor for your magazine. He’d do a great job knowing what the average reader can relate to and would enjoy reading.

N.K.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1102)