Mothers get too much blame for their children’s issues

M

odern mothers are all too aware of their human limitations. They tend to blame themselves for their children’s problems. Perhaps they didn’t listen well enough, say “I love you” often enough, give enough or take away enough. Perhaps they were too distracted, too busy, or too bossy. They know that they must have failed in a million ways because they know they’re imperfect. What they erroneously think, however, is that this imperfection has ruined or will ruin their children.

I recently read a disturbing book that documents the experiences of a family with 12 children, six of whom suffered from schizophrenia. The story was disturbing for many reasons, but what stood out most strongly was how much blame those in the story placed on the mother for her children’s condition.

What’s interesting, though, is that the mother wasn’t having any of that. She didn’t see it as her fault. There’s a lot we modern mothers can learn from her confidence.

False Attribution

The protagonist, Mimi, was a woman who did her best to raise ten sons and two daughters while her husband was mostly absent (first due to work and then due to illness). Six of her sons were extremely ill. Their story involves violence, murder, suicide, and abuse — the extreme consequences of extreme mental illness. Mimi ran her own “hospital ward” in her home, looking after these dangerous young men until her own death in 2017.

The boys were studied by the National Institute of Mental Health as part of ongoing research hoping to discover the cause and appropriate treatment of schizophrenia. However, the first explanation given to the parents was the one that was in vogue in the mental health profession in the years spanning 1940 to 1970: It was all Mimi’s fault. Mimi was declared to be a “schizophrenogenic mother” — the cause of her boys’ severe illness.

A schizophrenogenic mother was described as a parent who was simultaneously overprotective and rejecting, both cold and too involved or controlling. I believe that this description can apply to any mother at different times of any parenting day! According to the professionals, the competing traits were thought to create a “double-bind” that produced confusion so intense as to cause psychosis in young people.

Fortunately, both Mimi (and her husband) rejected the explanation and went on to search for medical treatment for their sons.

It took 30 years for the mental health profession to discard its “bad-mothering” theory of schizophrenia in favor of a biological model. Schizophrenia is currently viewed as a neurodevelopmental disorder rooted in a complex interaction between genetic material, brain structure, and environmental stressors including substance abuse. But during those years when the cause was attributed to confused parenting, innumerable parents, already suffering from the excruciating mental health conditions of their children, suffered even more anguish because of the blame heaped upon them by the mental health professionals they turned to for help.

Mimi knew how much love she gave and how hard she worked to take good care of her sons but one of her daughters, Lindsay, found fault with her. She thought that Mimi was too focused on the boys and didn’t pay enough attention to the two girls or the four other healthy siblings. All the attention, it seems, went to the sick brothers.

My thought about this was — “No kidding!” There were 12 children, one ill father, and one mother. Of the 12 children, six were very unwell. Should Mom have paid more attention to young Lindsay and the others? Of course! But realistically speaking — could she have done so? I don’t think so.

Hashem Had Wanted It That Way

Mothers are limited human beings with limited energy and resources. But if Hashem had wanted one mother to be able to perfectly meet the needs and fulfill the wishes of each of her children, He would have made her without human limitations. If her perfection was the requirement for the production of a healthy child, then her perfection would have been part of creation.

It wasn’t.

From this, we can see that the natural imperfection and lacking that a mother necessarily brings to the task of raising children is actually good for her children (why else would Hashem create it?). Not getting what they want when and how they want it doesn’t make children ill or dysfunctional. If they become that way, it’s for many complex reasons. The mother who does what she can humanly do is doing enough. Mimi knew this and we should know it, too.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 982)