You’re not just experiencing this event. You’re getting on an express train

Express Train

Shoshana Schwartz

You’re running late to work. In your hurry, your coffee spills just as you hear the crunch of your child’s favorite mentchie underfoot. Then, of course, you hit traffic.

Rationally, you may be able to put this into perspective almost immediately. People are late. Things spill. Toys break. Civilization survives. You may even be able to put the reactions that will happen later — such as your boss’s face or your child’s tantrum — into perspective.

But your emotions clearly don’t get the memo. You know none of these incidents are a big deal, but your nervous system has decided this is a five-alarm fire, and it has already pulled the alarm without consulting you.

And then, on top of being late, anticipating disapproval or criticism, and dealing with a Florida-shaped coffee stain that keeps reminding you where you’d rather be, you face an additional barrage of criticism from yourself, as in, Really, what’s the big deal? Just put it into perspective already!

So what actually is the big deal?

These spikes in emotion, especially when they happen in quick succession, can feel a lot bigger than the situation warrants. Because you’re not just experiencing this event. You’re getting on an express train — one that was set on its tracks a long time ago.

Here’s one simple example of a very familiar train line: Running Late → Everything Going Wrong → Boss Will Hover All Day → No Breathing Room → I’ll Be Irritable → I’ll Yell at My Kids → I’m a Bad Mother → I’m Worthless.

Rather than just living the current experience, you’re reliving the first time this feeling was stirred up, every time afterward that reinforced it, and the fear of ever feeling it again. These are echoes of the past, loudly reverberating in your present.

When you accidentally boarded the “Running Late” train, you didn’t know it was an express train with a final destination of “I’m Worthless,” with all its usual shame and anxiety. And the train moved so quickly, you probably didn’t even notice how many stops there were along the way where you could have hopped off.

We have many train lines that start in Uncomfortable City and end in Catastrophe-ville. If you’re self-aware and good at putting small irritations into perspective, even when emotionally triggered, then you probably won’t find yourself in many five-alarm blazes.

But what if you’re not (yet) skilled in this area?

Try getting into the habit of asking yourself this one question: Have I stepped onto an express train?

If you have, then later, when you have time to reflect on it (perhaps while journaling or tapping), you can try to identify both the final destination and a few of the stations along the way.

Sure, this is a process, not a one-and-done. You do have to pause, ask yourself that question over and over again, and connect some dots. But doing this just a few times a week will help you start visualizing the trains as they pull into the station with very clear labels on them, like New-Blamesville, Forever-Alone-Township, or I-Should-Have-Known-Better-County.

Not only does this help you reframe irritating incidents so you feel better much faster; it also allows you to choose which trains you actually want to be on, and what alternative routes might exist.

Who knows, you might even find yourself pulling into Calmsville instead.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She’s the founder of The Satisfied Self.

Walking Beside You

Abby Delouya LMFT CPTT

Getting married doesn’t mean two people stop being individuals. It means two individuals learn how to connect and support one another through life’s journey. At some point many couples encounter a moment like this: One spouse enters a new stage, adopts a lifestyle choice, or develops an interest or hobby the other doesn’t understand, relate to, or fully agree with. It doesn’t violate halachah. It doesn’t threaten the marriage. And yet, it creates discomfort.

The tension isn’t usually about the activity itself, but rather what it represents: “Will this pull you away from me? Does this mean we’re growing in different directions? Where do I fit now?”

When this discomfort goes unspoken, it often turns into subtle criticism, emotional distance, or silent resentment. Support feels conditional: I’ll tolerate this, but I don’t like it. And the spouse on the other side feels it — the lack of curiosity, the quiet disapproval, the sense of being misunderstood. Supporting something you wouldn’t choose doesn’t require pretending you love it; it requires respecting that your spouse’s inner world doesn’t have to mirror your own.

Yitzy decided he’s passionate about fly-fishing. He invested in the gear, and chooses to spend a lot of quiet time by the water. Temi is happy for Yitzy, but feels like he’s wasting precious downtime that could be better spent around the house, working on projects, or being with the kids. Before passing judgment, Temi, shows healthy support by asking him: “I don’t fully get this, but I want to understand what it gives you.”

Yitzy says it helps to focus and clear his mind, and makes his learning sharper; he feels generally more grounded. Temi now has more insight as to why Yitzy’s new hobby is important for him, and tries to support him.

Healthy support looks like making space without eye-rolling, listening without fixing, and trusting that difference doesn’t equal disconnection. At the same time, boundaries matter. Support doesn’t mean abandoning your own needs or values. It means having honest conversations about time, priorities, and impact, without framing your spouse’s choice as a threat.

Marriage deepens when couples allow room for growth that isn’t identical. When spouses feel emotionally supported even in their differences, they don’t drift apart — they bring more of themselves back into the relationship. The message is: This isn’t my path, but I’m still walking beside you.

Abby Delouya LMFT, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

Smelling Your Way to Success

Friedy and Roizy Guttmann

When we speak to organizations about neuroscience and physiology and introduce the idea of “smelling your way to success,” people often assume we’re talking about intuition or gut instinct. In reality, we mean something far more literal: the sense of smell.

Smell is our most primal sense. It directly influences emotion, memory, and how we process information. We only have five basic taste sensations, but endless flavors — because flavor is driven largely by smell. When food releases chemicals, those chemicals stimulate the olfactory system and are interpreted by the brain as flavor, not just taste.

Smell also has a powerful link to memory and physiology. A familiar scent doesn’t just remind you of an experience — it can shift your body back into that moment.

Neurologically, smell has the shortest pathway to the brain, with only two neural connections, reaching both the limbic system (emotion and memory) and the prefrontal cortex (impulse control and regulation). That “overreactive” child or “inappropriate” employee? It may not be poor behavior or lack of social skill — it may be sensory overload through smell.

The Guttmann sisters are Neurodevelopmental OTs and human behavior specialists, and founders of Hands on Approaches and the H.O.P.E. Foundation.  

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 981)