“I have all these plans, but I don’t know where to start — so nothing ever gets done!”

Ripple Effect

Hadassah Eventsur

I

once received a phone call from a woman who began by sharing her struggles as someone with ADHD. She described, in detail, her constant sense of overwhelm. She told me about her challenges with daily care tasks such as laundry, dishes, meal planning, and preparing for Shabbos. She shared how she feels like she’s drowning in piles of laundry and overflowing sinks, always running late and struggling to keep up.

As the conversation went on, she told me about her 14-year-old daughter who also has ADHD and is facing similar struggles. She expressed her desire to support her daughter by scheduling therapy appointments and helping her get organized. Finally, she shared her personal goal of starting a cookie-decorating business.

This woman clearly has big dreams. She wants to learn skills that will help her succeed in her day-to-day life, support her struggling child, and build the foundation for her own business. But her story ended with an exasperated confession: “I have all these plans, but I don’t know where to start — so nothing ever gets done!”

Her experience is deeply relatable to anyone who struggles with executive functioning skills. After inviting her to take a deep breath, I introduced her to the concept of prioritization — an essential executive functioning skill. This skill helps us determine what tasks are most urgent, what can wait, what can be delegated, and what can be deleted altogether.

As I coached her through her overwhelm, I asked: “If you could prioritize supporting your own executive functioning skills or your daughter’s, whose would come first?”

Without hesitation, she replied, “Developing my skills takes priority, because doing that will have a ripple effect and by default, help my daughter as well.”

Next, I asked another question: “If you could prioritize addressing your core executive functioning skills or taking a course to advance your business, what would come first?”

Once again, she answered, “Addressing my executive functioning skills would take priority.” When I asked why, she explained that executive functioning skills are the foundation for everything else. They would ultimately become the catalyst for improvement in managing her home and her business growth. Bottom line: Executive functioning skills are foundational. When we invest time and energy in improving them, all those in our orbit and all the fields we’re involved in will reap the benefits of our investment.

Hadassah Eventsur, MS, OTR/L, is an occupational therapist, certified life coach, and founder of MindfullyYou, a program that supports frum women who struggle with executive functioning.

Character Over Checklists

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

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arents often get very caught up in the technicalities. Exactly how many years will he learn? How much support are they offering? What degree does she have? Where do they daven? Who do they know?

All that can be useful, but it’s ignoring what really matters. Here are some questions that can help you get crucial information:

How flexible is this person?

How do they react when they’re upset?

What are their goals in life?

How much do they truly value Torah?

Are they a good listener? Emotionally intuitive?

Would you describe them as superficial or deep?

What are their material expectations? (This one is particularly important because what’s “normal” can be vastly different for different people.)

It may be that not everyone on the reference list can answer these questions, but find the ones who can. Too often, we gloss over what’s really important in terms of the human being and get stuck on which seminary she went to or whether he’s a lawyer or a salesman.

That all may change. I know a couple who got married planning to have the husband in kollel for ten years. A few months in, the wife was expecting twins and needed to be on full bed rest. The husband had to go out to work in shanah rishonah. He’s still working, but now he’s supporting their married kids in kollel.

The technicalities may change, but values and personality traits don’t. Focus on what lasts.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

With My Own Two Eyes

Shoshana Schwartz

I

was driving with my husband, and we were looking for a place to turn around. We both noticed a little blue traffic sign with a white arrow, but it passed pretty quickly. I was sure the arrow was pointing right, indicating no turns allowed. My husband was sure the arrow was pointing left, offering an opportunity to turn around. We were each equally sure we were correct.

How very human of us. We think that what we see “with our own two eyes” is absolutely, positively factual and not open for interpretation.

But actually, first we humans make a fast, automatic interpretation of what we think something means, and then we see it according to that interpretation. Our perception isn’t only a direct reading of reality; it’s shaped by our assumptions and beliefs.

This is interpretation bias. When things aren’t fully clear, our minds rush to fill in the gaps, usually in a way that fits our expectations, our emotional state, or both. Research on visual perception shows that the brain routinely does this in everyday situations.

When we confuse interpretation with fact, we can end up arguing with a lot more certainty than the situation actually deserves. When we remember that our eyes don’t simply record reality but also shape it, we create a little more room for curiosity, humility, and understanding.

Shoshana Schwartz specializes in overcoming compulsive behaviors, including emotional eating, codependency, and addiction. She’s the founder of The Satisfied Self.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 976)