Your playgroup and babysitting halachic dilemmas, solved

Prepared for print by Faigy Peritzman

I recently hired a 17-year-old babysitter, but when I came home, I found that she’d switched with her 12-year-old sister! I was very perturbed and didn’t want to pay her. It was irresponsible and not what I hired. Am I correct?

You’re correct to be perturbed since this isn’t who you thought you were hiring. But most probably what happened was that the 17-year-old needed to cancel at the last minute and asked (or pressured) her 12-year-old sister — whom she trusted — to bail her out. She likely rationalized that she was acting responsibly and doing you a big favor, and therefore you should pay the 12-year-old the going rate of what a 12-year-old makes in your neighborhood for babysitting.

I’m a morah with a playgroup in my house. There’s one girl who is simply not working out and causing disruption to the other kids in the group. Am I allowed to ask her parents to remove her in the middle of the year?

Certainly, if that girl is disrupting the rest of the kids of the group, you have a right (and a responsibility to the other parents) to inform the girl’s parents that this is just simply not working out for you (and her), and that they’ll have to find another playgroup for her. Obviously, this holds true only if you tried everything possible to make the child as content as possible, and you have run out of ideas as to how to alleviate the situation. You will also need to refund them any money if they prepaid in advance for the entire year.

I had a playgroup morah last year who I didn’t find satisfactory. Crucial elements like punctuality, cleanliness, and discipline all fell below my standards. At the beginning of this year, someone called and asked information about her. Would sharing my experiences be permitted?

Assuming that the person asking for information is doing so because she is interested in sending her child to this playgroup, you’re obligated to tell her of your opinion and share the facts of this playgroup to your best knowledge. But you must stress to her that this is your personal opinion due to the high standards that you expected to see in the playgroup. Other people may have a different level of expectations and might consider other factors as more crucial than the ones you have mentioned, and would be perfectly satisfied with this playgroup.

My baby’s playgroup morah is very relaxed about allowing kids with colds or even mild fever to attend playgroup. (I didn’t know this before signing up.) Shouldn’t it be required of her to ask all the mothers in the group how they feel about this without her deciding on her own? 

This is her playgroup and she sets the policy based on her business model and past experiences. It’s the responsibility of the parents to ask (before registration) any questions that they may have about the playgroup’s policies, and only then to make a decision whether or not they wish to send their child to this type of playgroup.

We’re moving and despite my best efforts, I can’t find someone to take my place in the playgroup midyear. I know I signed a contract saying I was responsible to find a replacement, but I’m stuck. Am I required to pay for two playgroups when my child will be moving to a new one?

Technically, you signed up for the entire year, and it’s your responsibility to find a replacement if you leave in the middle of a contract. This holds true even if there was no signed contract but there was a clear agreement and understanding that you committed for the entire year. Still, the babysitter also needs to do her best to try to find a replacement, and if no one is found, you will need to negotiate with her about how much she expects you to pay.

We live out of town and the practice is to drive babysitters home when they finish after dark. I’ve been perturbed, though, that there’s one particular babysitter who sits in the front seat of the car with my husband. Is that even allowed or is it just a sensitivity?

While not explicitly forbidden, it’s highly inappropriate for her to do so. Most probably, she’s not aware that what she is doing is improper, so it’s your role to gently let her know in advance that she should sit in the back seat while being driven home. (If she’s being driven home late at night in a rural area where there is hardly any other traffic, this may be a yichud issue as well.)

My oldest son just turned nine, and I realize I’d better brush up on the halachos of yichud with babysitters. Can you elaborate?

During the day and early evening hours, if you have at least one more child (boy or girl) at home over the age of six, then yichud is permitted. During nighttime sleeping hours, as long as you have two children (boys or girls) over the age of six at home, even if both are asleep, yichud is permitted. If you have no other children at home, the preferred method is to ask a neighbor (or a family member) to randomly come into the house, which you will leave unlocked, and the babysitter must be told of this arrangement in advance. For this leniency to be valid, the neighbor must actually enter the house randomly.

I do a lot of babysitting and I never know what I’m allowed to touch and what I’m not. Must the woman of the house state specifically that I can take a drink or a snack or are somethings just self-apparent?

It’s not self-apparent that you’re permitted to take anything (including food) from the house just because you’re babysitting there. The parents should advise you what you can take. If they don’t say anything, then ask.

Last week, we came home from a late event to find our front door locked with the inside lock, and the babysitter didn’t answer the door. Turns out she had fallen fast asleep on our couch. We banged on the door, called her phone, called her parents, you name it. It took a very long time until she woke up to unlock the door. I can’t imagine if she was sleeping that deeply she would have heard one of my kids wake up either. Do I have to pay her?

She certainly didn’t do the job as she should have, but baruch Hashem, your kids didn’t wake up and no harm was done. We can also assume that if she fell asleep that deeply, it wasn’t something that she could have controlled or avoided. You do have to pay her for her services, but you may think twice if you’re ready to take her again for a future job!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 970)