“This isn’t a random comment. It’s a pattern. And, though I hate to admit it, it’s getting worse”

Not That Funny

Rachel Burnham with Bassi Gruen

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evi was outgoing, a great conversationalist, and lots of fun. Shiffy really liked him; their dates were full of intelligent conversation and witty banter.

But then there was the other side of Zevi… his humor often involved making fun of people and institutions, snide comments that bordered on nasty and hurtful.  First, it was about his friends, family, and community institutions. Over time, he turned his sharp tongue on her.

“Why do you wear those shoes?” he asked her on one date. “They’re weird.”

“I like them,” Shiffy replied.

“Trying to fit in with the crowd, aren’t you? Be another one of the mindless Lakewood masses?”

Shiffy said nothing, but it stung.

Another evening, they went out to eat, and she ordered trout. “You like fish?” he said incredulously. “I seriously cannot believe I’m on a date with someone who likes fish!” Shiffy felt her face burn, and she wanted to get up and walk out.

But then Zevi launched into a story about a camp escapade that had her laughing so hard she nearly choked on her drink. A little later, she caught sight of the two of them in a mirror and realized with a jolt that they looked so good together. Plus, there was the constant stream of fascinating conversations, so different from the stilted experiences she had with other dates.

Shiffy discussed her conflicted feelings with me. “This isn’t a random comment. It’s a pattern. And, though I hate to admit it, it’s getting worse. But he’s so much fun…”

“This is a real issue,” I told her gently, “particularly if it’s worsening. It can be very challenging to be married to someone who makes sarcastic, hurtful comments all the time. I suggest you call him out on it and see how he responds.

“There are a lot of questions here. First, is he even fully aware of what he’s doing? Is this something he’s trying to work on and curb but it’s still a struggle, or does he have no problem with it? Is he mirroring a style he heard at home, or did he develop this pattern at a later point?

“Bottom line, you want to figure out how entrenched this is and what the chances are of it changing.”

Shiffy gulped. “Ugh, I hate having these conversations, but you’re right, I don’t want to keep ignoring it.”

She brought it up on their next date. She waited until he made another snarky comment — which happened ten minutes into their drive — and said, “When you make fun of other people, even though your comments are often hilarious, it leaves me uncomfortable. How do you feel about it?”

She hoped that Zevi would admit to being disturbed by it as well. She dreamed that he’d share the ways he was working on this destructive habit. She even fantasized that maybe he’d ask her to point out when it was happening, so he could stop earlier.

None of those things happened.

Instead, Zevi threw her a sharp look. “Hey, this is who I am.” He banged on the steering wheel. “It’s my personality. Like it or leave it, girl.”

She left it.

Rachel Burnham is a dating coach and speaker. After marrying at 34, she dedicated herself to helping singles date from their most authentic selves, navigate singlehood with dignity, and make it proudly to the chuppah.

See Them

Sara Eisemann

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ature and nurture conspire to cast each of us into roles. Position in the family, personality traits, and cultural norms all play a part in shaping who we become, but often family dynamics can cement those roles, because they serve the system, sometimes at the expense of the child.

Once a child takes on the responsibility of managing the emotions and needs of the family, it will be difficult to shed that identity. They may forget, and others may benefit from forgetting as well, that they, too, have needs. They may even be praised for their sacrificial nature and get a lot of positive reinforcement for being caring and selfless. But this will not fill the void that is created when ignoring one’s basic needs and wants. There’s a hole that is created where the self belongs. And often this child will extend this behavior to friendships and to the workplace, so that there is no place where they’re truly seen.

It’s an act of love for those who love this child to see them — even when they’re fully grown. Order the birthday cake for the coworker who orders the cake for everyone else’s birthday. Ask the one who listens to everyone else how she is doing. Pull up a chair at the table for the one who says it’s okay, she can stand. Even if it’s you.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Tech Detox

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

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we head into winter and night comes earlier, many of us find ourselves drawn to our devices for longer periods of time. If this isn’t a problem for you, count yourself among the lucky ones not sucked into this whirlpool.

For those for whom it’s a challenge, a recent idea I heard is touted to be helpful in lowering time spent online. Each month, examine all your apps. See what you haven’t used in the last month. Put those apps in a hidden folder on your phone and shut notifications. Every two to three months, check that folder, and if you haven’t needed the app at all, consider deleting it. Do the same with accounts you follow on any social media platform (including WhatsApp status). Research has shown that the fewer notifications and apps you have, the less time you spend on your device.

Another idea is to invest in a time-limiting device like Brick or to invest in a time limiting app and split the passcode with a spouse so you can’t override it easily. However, do this only once you make a list of what you will do instead. Just as no alcoholic can detox without a plan of how they will fill their void without alcohol, so, too, no successful tech detox works unless you come up with an alternate way to use that time or fill that void.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 970)